


And Now When I See You...

by TonySawicki



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Alcohol, Anal Sex, Cheesy, Confessions, Cuddling & Snuggling, Discussion of past rape/sexual assault, Eventual Romance, F/M, Friendship, Frustration, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kissing, M/M, No smut until last chapter, Past Abuse, Pining, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Trust, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-09-24 01:35:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 77,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9694076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki
Summary: Die never talked about the girls he dated. Really, Kyo didn’t know pretty much anything about this one except that she was blonde (American maybe?) and named something with an H. Harriet? Heather?Then again Die and Kyo really didn’t talk that much about anything. They were friendly enough, but with how much Kyo hated trying to make small talk and didn’t trust people enough to discuss deeper things, his chats with Die were somewhat few and far-between. Which is why it was such a noticeable change when they started talking at length just about every day...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Dir en grey! This is just nonsense!  
> Here it is you guys, the most awfully self-indulgent fic I ever really plan on writing! It's gonna be long. It's gonna be the slowest of burns. I'll change the rating if/when it ever ends up having smut enter into it. Bear with me if you will and understand that writing this has been sort of cathartic for me.  
> Love to you all as always, and I'll try to keep on top of updates for this, but I'm working on other things that are more fun/interesting (probably) at the same time, so no worries. Xoxoxo

Die had had lots of girlfriends. Not in a slut-shaming kind of way—it was just a fact. Over the years he had dated a number of women, whether for short or long periods of time. It wasn’t any kind of particularly big deal, just a fact that Kyo and his other bandmates were perfectly aware of, and had never had any problem with. Why would they? Everyone in the group had done their fair share of playing the field after all.

The girl he was with now he had been seeing for over a year, actually, though none of the band had ever met her. The thing was that he tended to keep his private life reasonably private. He never talked about the girls he dated. Really, Kyo didn’t know pretty much anything about this one except that she was blonde (American maybe?) and named something with an H. Harriet? Heather?

Then again Die and Kyo really didn’t talk that much about anything. They were friendly enough, but with how much Kyo hated trying to make small talk and didn’t trust people enough to discuss deeper things, his chats with Die were somewhat few and far-between. Which is why it was such a noticeable change when they started talking at length just about every day.

It was Kaoru’s fault, in a way. Some momentary lapse in his regularly responsible regiment resulted in a scheduling mix-up that left the band without access to their usual rehearsal space unless they were willing to meet significantly later in the day. Kaoru and Inoue were on the phone with a dozen people trying to get their time slot back, but in the end it had worked out that, at least for now, they were stuck getting out of rehearsal late in the evening.

No one was really happy about it, but they accepted it was a temporary situation, and none of them minded being up a little late so much that they would really make a fuss over it. They were willing to make do, especially since they had new songs to work on and a tour to rehearse for peeking over the horizon.

The fact of the matter was Kyo and Die started hanging out after sessions. Kyo didn’t drive, and as they were walking out one night, Kyo looked at his phone and cursed loudly, realizing he’d missed his bus and the next one wasn’t for an hour. Die offered to hang around and wait with him, and although Kyo tried at first to gracefully decline, he realized that Die wasn’t offering so much as stating what he was going to do.

Die meanwhile discovered that Kyo was much more opened up to long and meaningful conversations when it was later in the evening, something about the exhaustion weakening a few of his defenses.

Their talk started, naturally, on the subject of music. Kyo had been on a bit of a jazz kick lately, and when he checked his email on his phone, he found out an artist he particularly liked was going to be playing a gig just outside of Tokyo in the next couple of weeks. When he casually mentioned it to Die, he was more than a little surprised to find the guitarist actually knew what he was talking about.

“Wait, Die, you like jazz?”

“Yeah.” Die shrugged. “I’m more into the kind of modern fusion type of stuff.”

“No, me too,” Kyo said. “I’ve been trying to bring elements of it into sukekiyo here and there. As a vocalist, it’s so freeing, so different from just about any other style.” He rubbed the back of his head awkwardly, feeling like he’d gone in a pretentious direction, though maybe that was inevitable with any discussion of jazz.

Die didn’t seem to notice Kyo’s embarrassment as he said, “Yeah, that makes sense. I know how you’re into a lot of vocal improvisation and everything. Maybe I’m not there yet with my voice, but I can apply it to guitar.”

Kyo smiled. “You know Kiki Morrison? I’ve been getting pretty into her lately.”

“She’s literally one of my favorites. But I can never decide if I like her solo work better or the things she was doing with Mitsuuchi Hayate. That was good shit.”

“Mitsuuchi Hayate?” Kyo repeated.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t heard their collaborations.”

“I only just got into her recently,” Kyo said defensively.

“Oh man,” Die said. “I will have to lend you one of their albums. It’s weird and atonal and I love it.”

Kyo laughed. “I didn’t think you were into that as much. You always seem to like your pretty melodies.”  
“I appreciate a pretty melody, too, sure,” Die said. “But I love music that pushes boundaries and makes you think about it differently.”

“I agree. We should work on something musical together sometime!” Kyo joked.

Die laughed. “Maybe form a band?”

“If I have time,” Kyo said. “I was thinking about starting a new project.”

Die shook his head. “I seriously don’t know how you have the energy for everything you’re doing already.”

Kyo gave Die a surprised look just as he saw the bus approaching. “Energy? I don’t! Haven’t you seen me falling asleep when I really shouldn’t?”

Die shifted his bag on his shoulder. “That’s not what I’m talking about really, I mean, like, creative energy.”

The bus pulled up to the curb and Kyo didn’t have time for a full response, so he said, “We can talk about it next time. See you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Of course. I need to get home and feed my cat anyway.”

Kyo hadn’t known Die had a cat and opened his mouth to ask more about it before he realized he had one foot on the bus already and just waved instead, giving a nod of his head.

Die swaggered off to his car with a wave of his own.

Kyo rode back towards his apartment feeling surprisingly relaxed. He was not usually one to enjoy talking casually, even with his bandmates, but something about talking with Die was so comfortable, so easy. He had gotten so into the flow of it that he was already thinking about what he’d want to mention next time they talked. It was exciting to think Die might be a real _friend_ , not just a colleague.

That was the beginning of it. Soon they were staying to talk pretty much every night. They got so caught up in a discussion a few days later that Kyo ended up missing even the second bus, and Die insisted on driving him home.

Kyo was reluctant. He didn’t usually tell anyone where he lived. There had been a time in his life when he’d had guests over, but those people were all gone now. These days, he wasn’t one to invite buddies over for a game night, and somehow felt like he was giving something up by revealing his address even to someone he considered a friend.

Die wouldn’t take no for an answer, saying this was his opportunity to play the album he’d recommended for Kyo as they drove.

Kyo slid just barely uncomfortably into the passenger seat, waiting for Die to finish dropping stuff in the trunk, his own bag hugged tightly in his lap. It was rather strange, but he wasn’t angry that he’d missed his bus. Normally he would have been kicking himself, feeling incredibly stupid for setting his whole schedule back like this, just because he wasn’t paying attention. But Die had been talking about his father and they’d laughed at the dirtiness of old men, and he couldn’t find it in himself to regret staying for that.

Die buckled into the driver’s seat beside him and got out his phone. “Okay… GPS says it’s only about twenty minutes to your place, which means,” he placed a hand on the back of Kyo’s seat as he looked over his shoulder to back out of the parking space. “I’d better skip to some of my favorite tracks on the album or we’ll never get to them.”

Kyo found he didn’t really mind the slight invasion of his usually sacred personal space and smiled to himself. It was so hard for him to make friends; it always had been. Finally, after knowing Die for so long, he was getting to have a friendship with him. As they drove, Kyo made note in his phone about the specs of the album Die was playing so he could look it up and buy a copy for himself. Die meanwhile pointed out things he liked, getting occasionally over-excited, gesticulating with both hands even as he drove.

They were soon getting close to Kyo’s neighborhood and Kyo shifted his focus to direct Die more effectively than the GPS would. “I hope driving me didn’t bring you too far out of your way,” he said. He always hated inconveniencing people.

“No, it’s fine!” Die said quickly. “I mean, yes, I live in totally the opposite direction, but I don’t mind.”

“What?!” Kyo looked at Die, horrified. “Why did you offer?? I’m so sorry!”

“No, stop that. I just said I don’t mind,” Die said. “You know, Toshiya does live over here though; you should get a ride from him sometime.” 

“Does he?” Kyo said, still embarrassed to have dragged Die out of his way like this. “How do you know?”

“We’re friends?” Die shrugged. “You’re the only one out of the band whose place I’ve never been to, actually, although in the past few days I feel like I’ve talked to you more than I’ve ever _talked_ to any of them. So I’m glad to drive you and finally see where you live after all this time.”

“I guess so,” Kyo said. “Sorry if I’ve been talking too much.”

“When did I say that?”

“You’re a good conversationalist,” Kyo said awkwardly.

“Is that a word?” Die laughed.

“It is!” Kyo said. As they approached his building he pointed it down. “You can drop me here if you want. Or do you want to come up and see it?”

“See the elusive Kyo’s living quarters? Tempting!” Die said with a grin. Just then he got a text, and once he put the car in park he pulled out his phone.

Kyo busied himself with getting out of the car, trying not to be nosy, but still lingering in case Die wanted to come up with him.

After a moment, Die glanced up at Kyo hovering. “Sorry! You can go; I have to get home actually.”

“Ah,” Kyo said. “Your cat’s texting you?”

Die laughed. “Not the cat this time, but I am apparently needed. Have a good night!”

Kyo nodded. “You too. Thanks for the ride. I owe you one.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Die said. He waved once more before driving off, and Kyo headed up to his apartment, just the slightest bit disappointed that Die wasn’t joining him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Toshiya notices just how much Kyo and Die have been hanging out and is more than a little curious about it. Kyo isn't fully prepared to learn anything real about his bandmates and their tragic backstories.

Their tour was just two weeks away and rehearsals were starting in earnest for it, but Kaoru still hadn’t had any luck getting them the space earlier in the day. However, the band was coming to find they didn’t mind the evening shifts overmuch. Kyo was a night owl anyway, and Toshiya and Die were very adaptable. Shinya might have had an issue with it, but it was hard to say for sure since he never really complained one way or another.

They had a band meeting after they were done rehearsing one night, mostly checking in, talking about a few venues that might change in the upcoming tour.

Kyo was more than okay with them switching a couple of the venues as he remembered the staff at one of them including some people he absolutely could not stand. That happened to him a lot though. Even when he tried to remain neutral and professional (and certainly he did his best to not let it show outwardly), he couldn’t seem to rid himself of the fact that he was someone who both loved and hated particularly hard.

As Kaoru wrapped up the meeting and everyone started gathering their things to leave, Kyo let his gaze fall on Die. Throughout the venue discussion, Die had remained so positive and open, clearly not harboring any of the ill will that Kyo was unable to shake. In face, the more he thought about it, the more he couldn’t remember Die expressing any strong dislike for _anyone_ , even the most undeniably unpleasant of those with whom they had worked.

Having finished packing things into his small backpack, he came over to where Die was still organizing papers, tucking them into his day planner. He leaned against the table next to him and said, “Die, isn’t there anyone you hate?”

Die looked up, surprised. “What, me?”

Kyo nodded. “I’ve never seen you hate anyone.”

“But of course I’ve hated people,” Die said, giving Kyo a puzzled look. “What makes you ask?”

“Everyone expects me to hate people,” Kyo said with a shrug. “But you’re just always so nice to everyone.”

“I’m really not,” Die said, zipping his planner into his messenger bag. 

Kyo then noticed Toshiya was watching them, a curious little look on his face. He remembered what Die had said about Toshiya living near him and wondered if this would somehow be an awkward time to ask for a ride home.

“Are you guys gonna hang around and talk?” Toshiya asked, before Kyo could say anything.

Kyo checked the time on his phone and glanced at Die. “Maybe for a bit?”

“You’ve been doing that a lot, huh?”

“Well, I’m a great conversationalist,” Die said, grinning at Kyo.

“Uh-huh.” Toshiya looked like he wanted to say more, but changed his mind. “Can I join you?”

“Of course!” Die said. “In fact, you know, Kyo lives really near you—you should give him a lift home.”

“Only if it’s convenient!” Kyo said hurriedly.

“Yeah, no problem,” Toshiya said. Everyone else had already left so he led the way out from the building towards the lot he’d parked in a block away.

Kyo and Die talked while they walked, mostly about some foreign TV show (American? Canadian?) Die liked that he was trying to get Kyo into. Kyo felt kind of bad about so blatantly leaving Toshiya out of the conversation and after a minute he waved his hand to get Die to stop talking and said, “Just text me abut it later.”

Die’s eyebrows shot up and Kyo knew why. He had never told any of the others to text him before. He exchanged the occasional friendly message with Shinya, but on the whole, his contact information was purely for business and none of the band had tried to push that kind of social interaction on him.

They got to Toshiya’s car and stood there for a moment. Most of the rest of the lot was cleared out already, but there wasn’t any good location for them to chat comfortably or anything. Kyo settled into a crouch and Toshiya dropped his bag in the trunk of his car before leaning against the vehicle, looking brightly from Die to Kyo. “So then! What do we talk about? Some kind of deep, life-changing conversations?”

Die snorted. “Depends on whether you consider comparing allergies and arguing over jazz solos to be life-changing.”

The streetlight in the lot abruptly clicked off then, leaving them in relative darkness.

“That must be ten thirty,” Die said, pulling out his phone to confirm the time.

“Darkness is the perfect chance to turn on the spontaneous deep talks,” Toshiya said, a playful lilt in his voice.

“All right, fine,” Kyo said. “If you could make anyone in the world from your life just disappear off the face of the earth—I’m not saying violently kill them necessarily—but they blip out of existence—Who would it be?” He knew who his was, but he waited for the others to answer first, still mostly interested in finding out who Die hated, baiting him.

“Christ, Kyo,” Toshiya said. “Lights go out and it’s straight to that, huh?” He shook his head and then said, “Okay, I’ve got mine. I had this one teacher in junior high who was a real asshole. For a while, I was getting bullied pretty badly by other kids. He caught me hiding from them in a classroom one time, and even though I told him the situation, he basically said 'that's what you get for acting like such a fag.’” He gave a bitter smile. “Also big on corporal punishment, that guy. Hope he burns in hell.”

“Geez, so do I,” Die said. “That’s awful.”

Toshiya shrugged. “I’m pretty much over it now. One time he got carried away though, almost ended up breaking my wrist really badly. If another teacher hadn’t come in when she did, I might not be able to play bass now.”

“That’s fucked up,” Kyo said. The slow burn of anger had him feeling almost sick to his stomach. “Tell me this guy’s not still teaching.”

“He was last time I checked.”

They were all quiet for a minute after that. Finally Kyo was about to offer up his story (petty as it seemed after Toshiya’s) about his girlfriend-stealing ex-bandmate, but Die’s soft voice stopped him.

“I actually have two.”

Kyo wanted to crack a joke, say something gloating about how Die was a person with horrible thoughts and feelings just like him after all, but something in Die’s tone kept him quiet.

“One of them is my girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend,” Die said, looking at the ground in front of him.

Kyo’s stomach tightened. Die never talked about his girlfriend.

“He was, to put it plainly, abusive. He’d hit her, slap her,” Die clenched his jaw. “If I ever met the guy, I’m not honestly sure what I’d do to him.”

Kyo suddenly felt way too cold, crouching on the pavement, the intensity in Die’s eyes scaring him somewhat. He pushed himself back to standing.

“The other…” Die paused. “She… is not a good person. Let’s leave it at that. I can’t say more about that right now.”

Curiosity pulled desperately at the seams holding Kyo together, but he kept his lips pressed in afirm line, determined not to pry. What was wrong with him? Why had he even brought up this subject that clearly was making his friends relive painful memories? Maybe, he thought, this was why his friendships didn’t even usually get this far.

“I’m sorry,” Kyo said after another tense silence. “I’m a piece of shit for bringing this up, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I guess…” He bit his lip, unsure if the next thing he was thinking would come out wrong. He knew why he’d brought it up. He’d wanted to see if there was a part of Die that was hidden away, some anger and hurt like what he had inside himself. He’d done it to feel better about himself, and to _know_ Die, to feel like he got to know him _more_ than others did. It was selfish. He’d gotten what he wanted but he’d hurt Die _and_ Toshiya in the process and nothing about that was worth it. Still, he couldn’t put any of that into words. “Just sorry for dredging stuff up.”

“It’s all right,” Toshiya said. “Honestly, it’s stuff I never talk about, or think about really, but it still happened. Sometimes it’s good to get things out.”

Kyo was surprised but touched. Even back when he and Toshiya had been roommates, they hadn’t talked much about anything heavy. Maybe this could end up bringing them closer together as well.

“I get why you asked,” Die said, peering at Kyo with his head tilted. “You’re still stuck on me being so ‘nice,’ aren’t you?”

“I know you say you aren’t, but Die—” Kyo began.

Die smiled then, his perfect, pure-joy, train-stopping smile, and it was so sudden that Kyo gasped, startled. Die waved a hand in front of his own face and the smile was gone again just as quickly.

Kyo’s heart cracked right in his chest at the wordless explanation. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything and started sinking into his own mind, wracked with guilt and self-loathing. Was he so self-absorbed that he honestly couldn’t tell when someone he’d known as long as Die was in pain? That he assumed his easy smile and positive attitude meant he was never hurting? He looked at Die, trying to push questions and apologies towards him with his eyes, so they were without any pressure to answer.

Die seemed to read his look, shrugged one shoulder. “You learn how.”

Even as he slipped easily back into his seemingly-carefree self, Kyo could see something in the twitch of his cheek and the shift of his eyes that he hadn’t noticed before. He could tell Die was still uncomfortable from just _thinking_ about whoever that second person was, though it was clear he wasn’t going to elaborate any on that tonight.

“Who is calling me right now, seriously?” Toshiya said, pulling his phone out, all of a sudden.

Kyo hadn’t heard the phone ringing and honestly he’d half-forgotten Toshiya was even there.

“Sorry guys, I’ll be right back.” Toshiya put his phone to his ear and pushed away from his car, moving to stand across the parking lot.

Kyo nodded and then looked back at Die. Moving to lean against Toshiya’s car, he let out a sigh, feeling like he’d made everything awkward. “I’m sorry,” he said again.

“Nothing to be sorry for,” Die said, shaking his head. “I mean, I don’t talk about my personal stuff like that often, but it’s not like I mind. I just don’t usually have a reason to.”

“Still.”

“I didn’t know that about Toshiya though,” Die said. “I guess some things you just don’t share most of the time. Some of what he said… Too familiar.”

“From your own life?” Kyo clarified.

“Not like I was bullied in school or anything,” Die said. “I tend to be able to get along with anyone.”

Kyo nodded. His school experience had been similar. He wasn’t close with any group of people, but he didn’t seem to especially piss anyone off either.

“But back maybe… almost fifteen years ago now, geez, I had this… disagreement with my landlord at the time.”

“Oh?” Kyo said, trying to remember what they’d all had going on fifteen years ago.

“We’d never had an issue. I’d been living in that apartment for years, never even had a noise complaint.” Die pushed a hand through his hair, catching the ends and playing idly with them as he spoke. “I eventually had _one_ party, and all things considered, for _me_ , it was pretty tame. I’d even warned the landlord in advance that it was happening and he’d been fine.”

“I’m guessing after the fact he was less fine?”

“After the fact, he basically ‘asked’ me to move out because he was no longer going to tolerate my ‘homosexual lifestyle,’ if you can believe that.” Die scoffed. “Nothing even _happened_ at that party. I could have fought him on it, but in the end, his words really kind of fucked me up, you know?” He rubbed absently at his collarbone. “Like, I didn’t know if I liked guys or girls, we were pretty much out of that hardcore visual kei era and back in men’s clothing, but Shinya still looked pretty good to me, and I didn’t know what I wanted back then.”

Kyo just listened, trying not to show on his face how surprised he was by the turn this story had taken, his attention on Die’s constantly fidgeting hands.

“I moved out and I moved on and figured a lot of stuff out, but people like that who make these judgments based on unfounded assumptions…” he shook his head. “I mean lord knows _Toshiya’s_ not gay, can you imagine?” Die laughed.

Kyo laughed too, but only because he realized he was supposed to. What had just happened? Did Die just come out? His mouth was opening to ask—though he still wasn’t sure what question was going to come out—when Toshiya walked back over, his arms hugging across his middle for warmth.

“Hey!” he said, getting their attention. “Sorry, Kyo, are you ready to go? I just paid at the machine, so we kind of need to leave, like, now.”

“Yeah! Of course!” Kyo said quickly. He started towards the passenger side of Toshiya’s car. 

“What, Kyo!” Die said, spreading his arms indignantly. “We never unlocked _your_ tragic backstory!”

Kyo blinked at him, his hand on the door handle. “Don’t you think you get enough of it with my lyrics?” he said with a wry smile.

Die clucked his tongue and gave Toshiya a quick hug before saying, “We could never get ‘enough’ of your poetry.” And with two steps he was right in Kyo’s space, hugging him tight for a brief moment.

Kyo’s eyes went wide and he barely reacted in time to awkwardly pat Die’s back before he moved away. But it was weirdly… _not_ uncomfortable?

Die waved as he walked away from Toshiya’s car. “Goodnight, guys. Drive safe!”

“You too!” Toshiya called before buckling himself into the driver’s side.

Kyo got in the car as well and told Toshiya his address so he could look it up on his phone.

“Oh, I know where that is,” Toshiya said. He dropped his phone in the cupholder and started the car, barely managing to pull out of the space before the little parking barriers came back up.

Once they were properly on their way Toshiya glanced over at Kyo. “Sorry for kind of rushing us out like that.”

“What? It’s fine!” Kyo said. “I was just waiting for you to be ready.”

“Oh, I was waiting for you!”

“Why?” Kyo asked with a snort. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out.

“I just didn’t want to make you leave before you were ready,” Toshiya said.

Kyo looked at the text he’d received. It was from Die, clearly back on the subject of that TV show he was so into: 

[ _I know you haven’t gotten to the end of the second season yet but you need to let me know AS SOON AS YOU DO. When a certain character does a certain thing—you’ll see._ ]

Kyo smiled, shaking his head a little before thumbing out a reply: { _I guess I will. I’m going to regret watching this show, aren’t I?_ }

Die texted back right away, [ _Spoilers—I can’t answer that._ ]

[ _But you might regret telling ME you’re watching it._ ]

Kyo was just about to respond when he got the next message: [ _Gotta drive now. Talk more later. Goodnight!_ ]

Kyo was obviously distracted and when he hadn’t said anything out loud for a couple of minutes, Toshiya finally just kept talking, “I tried to give you guys a little more time at the end there; I didn’t want to get in the way.”

“Of what?” Kyo said, sending off a quick { _Goodnight!_ } of his own.

“Well, if you guys have some kind of romance going.”

Kyo’s attention snapped up from his phone. “ _What_?! Me and _Die_?!”

Toshiya raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, you’ve been pretty cozy lately.”

Now Kyo certainly had never even thought of such a thing, so it should have been really easy to say as much to Toshiya, and laugh it off as the ridiculous suggestion that it was. _Not at all—we’re just friends!_ Maybe _No, I’m not into him like that_ or even _Um, I’m not gay_. Instead, surprisingly, what came out of his mouth was, “…He has a girlfriend.”

“I didn’t know!” Toshiya said. “I’ve never even heard him mention her before tonight!”

“Yeah, he doesn’t talk about her much,” Kyo said. “You really thought…?”

“Just you’re always staying and talking, I thought maybe it was at least moving in that direction.” Toshiya looked over at Kyo as they stopped at a red light. “I was gonna wingman both of you at once, that’s how much I support this idea.”

Kyo huffed out a laugh, looking back at Toshiya a little dubiously, but finally finding the words he ought to say. “It’s not a thing. We’re definitely just friends.”

“Oh, hmm. But you don’t like him then?”

Kyo shook his head slowly. “No, not like that.” It truly hadn’t even crossed his mind. He’d been so happy to have Die as his _friend_ and all those warm, comfortable feelings he had about him, all the excitement about talking with him at the end of the day, the urge to protect him from any kind of pain—it was all totally _platonic_!! …Right?

“Sorry then if I was being weird,” Toshiya said. “Not gonna lie, I’m almost disappointed. I was rooting for you.”

“Yeah, that’s a shame.”

After a moment, Toshiya said, “Weird though how he never talks about his girlfriend! I know he’s had them before, but I honestly thought he might be gay.”

Kyo almost said something about how Die had said he’d thought the same thing, but he realized that comment had been when Toshiya was away on the phone, and he didn’t want to Out Die without his permission. “Yeah,” he said. “He’s never actually mentioned her to me before either; I only knew ‘cause I heard Kaoru asking him about her. I think she’s American.”

“Wow,” Toshiya said.

Kyo only nodded, staying quiet for the rest of the drive to his apartment complex. As they pulled up he thanked Toshiya profusely for the ride before getting out.

“No worries, it’s pretty much on the way,” Toshiya said. “You want me to give you rides from now on?”

“I guess… if it’s really not an inconvenience. Thank you. I’ll bring you coffee sometimes?”

Toshiya grinned. “Sounds like a deal.”

They said goodnight and Kyo went up to his apartment, his mind somewhere else entirely.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kyo asks a couple questions and gets a couple answers, and feels happier than he's felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a little update! It's not a lot. There's more coming, gradually. Thanks y'all for your continued support!

For the rest of the evening and most of the next day, Kyo’s thoughts were stuck on Die. On what he’d been saying last night, and on what Toshiya had said. It was ludicrous of course. He’d never thought about Die in that context at all. But it was a little disconcerting to think it was possibly reading that way to others. At least Toshiya was the kind of person to ask about something before really acting on an assumption.

He imagined what it must look like from an outside perspective and had to admit it didn’t seem that different from his previous courtships. Except Die was a man, and they were just friendly. Probably Toshiya just didn’t get to see Kyo being friendly with anyone very often, but that didn’t mean it didn’t happen!

Then again, he wasn’t _opposed_ to the concept of a relationship with Die. Had Die really been sending him some kind of message by throwing in that reference to maybe liking guys? _No, definitely not, since he has a girlfriend._

_Which is fine!_ Kyo thought hurriedly as he went through his Saturday workout. He wasn’t at all bothered by Die having a girlfriend, obviously. Even if he didn’t know anything about her, he was sure she was decent and Die seemed content with her, whatever her name was, Hannah, Hallie…?

Anyway, he didn’t _like_ Die like that! He just wanted to be close to him and learn everything there was to know about him and when he left Kyo felt sad and when he hugged him it was okay and uh-oh. Kyo was aware of his heightened heart rate, of a familiar twisting in his stomach that he could tie directly to his thoughts about Die. He almost groaned aloud. Some kind of crush on _Die_? This was not what he meant to have happen.

He pushed up from the machine he’d been using and picked up the clean towel he had with him. He buried his face in it, then draped it over his shoulders and walked over to where he’d left his phone, picking it up almost nervously. Of course, he wanted to text Die, but he didn’t have any really good excuse. Didn’t one need a good excuse if they were going to go around texting people? Maybe most people didn’t. He took all his things into the locker room and sat down on a bench, staring down at his phone again.

Finally he took a deep breath and sent off a message to Die: { _Hey! Can I ask you a really nosy personal question?_ }

He wasn’t fully prepared for how quickly Die texted back. [ _Go for it_.]

Kyo ran a hand through his somewhat sweaty hair, already regretting trying to bring this back up. He couldn’t think of any acceptable way to phrase what he wanted to ask, and yet the curiosity was almost killing him. He just went for it as best he could. { _So last night, you mentioned there being a time in your life where you weren’t sure whether you liked guys or girls… I just wondered how that ended up working out. Are you bisexual?_ }

He tossed the phone down on the bench as if it might bite him and watched warily for it to buzz again with a received message.

…But none came.

_Shit_ , Kyo thought. He’d clearly offended Die, or made him uncomfortable, and why did he always push things too far? He scrubbed a hand over his face and left his phone in his locker as he went off to take a shower, resisting the urge to send another text telling Die to forget it.

It was one of the fastest showers he’d ever taken as he tried to hurry back to his phone in case Die had responded. Much as he dreaded the probable berating he would receive, it would still be preferable to just see it from Die, rather than the variety of negative scenarios with which his own mind provided him. He got his locker open and yanked out his phone, a towel tied around his waist, his hair still dripping.

No texts.

_Shit_ , he thought again. _I really did screw this up!_ He went through the motions of getting dressed, his heart twinging at the idea that he might have sabotaged his friendship with Die.

Just as he was pulling his sweater over his head, his phone finally vibrated and he nearly ripped a sleeve off trying to get past it and see his message.

[ _Sorry for the late reply—I was driving. Good question!_ ]

Kyo hesitated, waiting to see if there would be more. After another moment, the next message came.

[ _At that time I didn’t know what to call myself, because I liked girls, but I was pretty equally into guys. I didn’t know how to deal with it._ ]

[ _Now I’d say I probably have a preference for women, but I’m still attracted to guys from time to time. I’ve only dated women though, so I don’t know if that factors into a label._ ]

Kyo’s hands were shaking and he realized how glad he was that he’d started this conversation over text and not where Die could see or hear him. { _That makes sense, but no, your sexuality is still valid, no matter what gender you’re dating!_ }

He typed another message, bringing up his own potentially ambiguous orientation and his thumb hovered over the SEND button for a long moment before he deleted it, not wanting to give Die the wrong impression. He didn’t want it to look like he was trying to make a _move_ on Die, because honestly he _wasn’t_ , and he was reasonably sure that Die wouldn’t think he was. Because he wasn’t! Even if he did admit to _maybe_ having some kind of feelings for Die as more than a friend, he had no intention of disrespecting his friend’s relationship. He was happy talking with Die, spending time with him in a casual, platonic sense, and wasn’t sure he would even _want_ anything more physical or more romantic.

Die texted back just then, [ _Very true, good point._ ], shaking Kyo out of the wandering thoughts he really shouldn’t have been having. He finished gathering up his things and went home, not bothering to send back any further response.

 

* * *

Wednesday evening as they were finishing up rehearsal, Kyo was in unusually high spirits. Things felt good. He and Die had been texting every day this week, usually just random, inconsequential things, occasionally something a bit more significant. Once Kyo even took a chance, reaching out to him when he was in an especially, inexplicably low mood, and Die replied straight away, sending him a link to a routine by one of his favorite comedians. Kyo raised his eyebrows at it, not being a huge fan of that kind of comedy himself. He watched it anyway and found himself smiling and laughing just knowing where Die would be laughing, and recognizing a few jokes he was sure he’d heard Die reference before.

On top of that, Kyo had decided he definitely wanted to attend the jazz concert he’d found out was coming up that weekend. Now he just had to work up the courage to ask if Die, as a fellow fan, would be interested in joining him. It was with this proposition that he approached Die while he was coiling cables to put away after rehearsal.

“So, Kiki Morrison is playing this Saturday,” he said without preamble. “Would you want to come with me to see her?”

Die looked up from his task. “Why, you have an extra ticket?”

“Oh, no. I don’t even have a ticket myself, but I could get tickets for both of us, if you wanted to go,” Kyo said, feeling rapidly more awkward. Was he being too forward? It wouldn’t be like a date or anything, obviously; couldn’t two friends attend a concert together? “I just thought, since I knew you were kind of a fan…”

“No, yeah!” Die said. “Saturday, huh? Don’t we have a photoshoot?”

“We do, but the live isn’t until evening, so it would be after.”

“Give me a minute to double check my calendar, but probably, yeah!”

“Awesome,” Kyo said, letting himself grin a little broader than he usually did. He walked back to grab his backpack and fell into step with Toshiya as he was heading out of the room.

The bassist had been giving him rides home on a daily basis now, and Kyo was pleased to be developing another friendship, this one without any pesky, _extra_ feelings attached. “Is Die coming?” Toshiya asked with a backwards glance.

“I assume so,” Kyo said. He was careful to keep himself exceedingly neutral on the subject around Toshiya, even though every day he was more aware of a tightness flipping over in his stomach any time Die was close to him.

Kaoru and Shinya were walking a couple steps ahead and paused for the others to catch up, holding the elevator open. Kaoru asked, “What are you guys doing with Die?”

Toshiya shrugged as they boarded the elevator. “We’ve been hanging out after rehearsal.”

“Just talking, really,” Kyo said.

“Yeah, you should have heard Kyo. First night I stay to chat with them, and he busts out the bombshell questions in the first two seconds,” Toshiya said, laughing.

Shinya raised his eyebrows in mild surprise. “Kyo? Bombshell questions, really?” He regarded Kyo who had his head ducked in embarrassment for a thoughtful moment. “Hmm. He doesn’t usually like to share personal things.”

“Well, now that you mention it,” Toshiya said. “He never did actually _answer_ the personal questions himself—just asked.”

“That makes a little more sense,” Shinya said.

“Kyo is under no obligation to divulge personal information and neither is anyone else,” Kaoru said calmly, but in a way that suggested if anyone was thinking of trying such things with him, they’d better drop the idea right about now.

Toshiya caught them up on the previous night’s discussion (something about the worst haircuts each of them had had) while they exited the elevator and walked down to the parking lot where Toshiya’s car was waiting. Shinya had parked further down the street and Kaoru had taken a cab, so they followed along, joining for now.

As they approached the lot, Die raised his head from where he’d been looking down at his phone, leaning against his own car next to Toshiya’s. “Kyo!!” he called loudly, waving for him to come over.

Kyo felt himself reddening the tiniest bit as his stomach did another flip. He wasn’t used to Die calling out his name like that and it made him feel oddly warm. The others gave him a curious look but he just shrugged his shoulders and walked a little faster towards Die.

“What’s up?” he asked as he reached him.

“I’m buying tickets and we’re supposed to choose our seats,” Die said, tilting his phone towards Kyo and pointing. “I’m thinking here, does that seem good to you?” 

Kyo’s eyes widened in surprise. “You don’t have to get the tickets!”

“I don’t mind,” Die said. “So those seats work?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Kyo said. “I’ll bring money to pay you back.”

“No rush,” Die said, waving a hand dismissively. “Whenever you get around to it.”

“Thank you.”

“What are you gonna wear?” Die asked.

“I hadn’t thought about it,” Kyo said, blinking.

“Well if it’s right after the photoshoot, we’ll want to change,” Die reasoned.

“Where are you guys going after the photoshoot?” Toshiya asked as he settled against his car next to them, Shinya and Kaoru in tow.

“And how did you beat us here?” Kaoru asked, squinting at Die.

“Took the stairs,” Die said. “And we’re going to a jazz concert.”

Kyo kept his eyes on the ground, deeply embarrassed that he obviously hadn’t invited anyone else, or even mentioned it to them.

“Jazz, huh?” Kaoru said, his head cocked. “Never figured you guys for fans.”

“It depends on the artist, but we both are, definitely,” Die said.

Toshiya didn’t try to hide his disinterest in the genre as he changed the subject. “Kyo, now that everyone’s here you should tell us who you want to kill!”

“Kill?!” Shinya said in alarm. “What, that was the bombshell question?”

“I did not say ‘kill,’” Kyo said. “I specifically said people you hate so much you want them to blip out of existence.”

“No wonder he didn’t answer then,” Kaoru said. “If Kyo had gone listing people he hates you’d have all been here past midnight.”

“Ha ha,” Kyo said, rolling his eyes. He glanced over at Die and found him looking back sympathetically.

The others were laughing and starting to share their own stories when Die suddenly nudged Kyo and offered him a single earbud.

Kyo took it, glancing up at Die again before putting it in his ear.

“It’s that remix I told you about. I don’t know how I feel about it, so I’d like to get your opinion,” Die said, hitting play on his phone, the other earbud in his own ear.

Kyo listened to it, mostly tuning out the conversation between other bandmates, without looking too much like he was ignoring them. He was keenly aware of how close to him Die was standing, of his breathing, and how still he was trying to be as he shared earbuds with Kyo. Kyo chanced a look up to Die’s face and found his eyes closed, his brow slightly creased as he focused on listening, and for the first time Kyo realized how much he’d like to kiss him. He looked away again quickly.

His attention was pulled from the music as Toshiya started laughing loudly at something on his phone. Kaoru and Shinya were laughing too and then passing the phone to Kyo and he blinked down at it to see a few photos of Die from a concert years and years ago where the guitarist had been wearing a rather flashy pair of overalls, devoid of any shirt underneath them. Without even meaning to, Kyo started laughing as well, and Die craned his neck to see the phone and just what was so funny.

When he did, he looked at Kyo with an expression of pure indignation on his face. “Seriously?! You’re laughing at me!”

“They’re—” Kyo choked out, pointing at the small screen. “They’re _bedazzled_!” He dissolved into laughter again, earbud falling forgotten from his ear.

Die caught the headphones in one hand and started winding up the cord. “It’s not like that was my choice, you know!” He tried to glare, but one corner of his mouth was twitching.

Kyo sighed as he collected himself some. He felt almost bad for laughing. It wasn’t really that Die looked _bad_ ; if nothing else, it showed off his collarbones. “I’m sorry, it’s just so funny because it’s _you_.”

“Yeah, I know, thanks!” Die said.

“This wasn’t even the only time, though,” Toshiya said. “Weren’t you rocking some overalls in one of the PVs, too? ‘Filth,’ wasn’t it?”

“I’m not the only one to get put in overalls!” Die glowered pointedly at Kyo.

“It wasn’t nearly as funny when Kyo wore them,” Shinya said, shaking his head.

“Yeah, he actually looked pretty good,” Toshiya agreed.

“Then maybe you want to talk more about our outfits in the ‘Filth’ PV?” Die said, shoving at Kyo a little as he finally cracked and started laughing.

Die’s laughter got Kyo laughing all over again, and he realized just how long it had been since he’d laughed this much. Die freed such _joy_ in him, and he felt like he was _allowed_ to laugh so much more than he had in… he couldn’t honestly remember just how long.

The rest of the band clearly noticed Kyo’s unusually upbeat mood too, as they settled down and a few glances were exchanged.

“This is nice,” Shinya said. “It’s been so long since we all did something together. You should all come over Saturday night! We can drink and relax.”

“Drunk video games?” Toshiya asked with a grin.

“Sure, if you bring your own console,” Shinya said, rolling his eyes.

Kaoru nodded. “I think that could be good.”

Die frowned. “Saturday night though, Kyo and I have the concert.”

Kyo felt himself starting to blush again even as Shinya waved off Die’s concern. “Come afterwards, it’s fine. You can sleep over, Kyo; I wouldn’t make you take the train home late.”

“All right then!” Die said, beaming. “Party at Shinya’s!”

Kyo gave a stiff nod of his head. “Sounds good.” In general, it didn’t. A night of drinking, even with his bandmates, was not really appealing, and hanging out sober with a group of drunk people wasn’t his thing either. But Die seemed excited, and it _had_ been a while since they'd all done something social as a group.

With that settled, Shinya and Kaoru said they needed to be getting home and, to Kyo’s disappointment, Die agreed. He went around the group hugging everyone, and Kyo felt the flipping of his stomach as he waited. He was last. He was always last. This had become a piece of their nightly ritual: when Die went home he’d hug everyone goodbye, and Kyo was always the last person he hugged. Kyo even liked to imagine that Die let his hug linger a bit longer than Toshiya’s, or tonight, than anyone else’s. And Kyo was working on not being so awkward and tense during the hug, letting himself relax into it, letting his arms close around Die, letting himself breathe in Die’s scent—er, not in a creepy way.

After Die pulled back form his hug with Kyo, his hand hovered for a moment on Kyo’s back as he asked Toshiya where he’d gotten the old photos of him.

Toshiya laughed. “A fan sent them to me as part of a collage of the band’s most abominable fashion choices.”

“Oh wow,” Die said, finally taking his hand off of Kyo’s back to pull his phone out of his pocket. “Send me the whole thing, yeah? Pretty priceless.”

“Sure thing,” Toshiya said, and he waved as Die gave Kyo’s shoulder a final squeeze and walked around to the driver’s side of his car.

Kyo murmured an “otsukaresama…” that he didn’t really think Die would hear and went to get into Toshiya’s car.

“It’ll be great to get everyone together at Shinya’s! How long as it been since we all even got together for a meal? Years?” Toshiya said once they’d started driving.

Kyo agreed, but became quickly worried that the conversation was going to turn towards him and Die going to this concert that he had failed to even mention to anyone else. He was scrambling for another topic to bring up just to deflect any questions, when Toshiya spoke again.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about Die.”

“Have you?” Kyo said, surprised, but keeping his voice level.

“I just keep thinking about that first night, what he said about learning how to hide behind a smile…” Toshiya was staring straight ahead out the windshield, frowning deeply.

Kyo’s throat tightened. He couldn’t stop thinking about that either, about the pain he’d glimpsed in Die’s eyes just after. “Yeah,” he managed to say.

“We don’t usually expect that from him, huh?” Toshiya went on. “He’s always making everyone laugh and taking care of others, and I never stop to think about who’s taking care of him.” He paused, but Kyo didn’t trust himself to say anything. “And I was thinking about the people he said he’d make disappear.”

Kyo almost winced. He tried not to think about that, about the only time Die had ever mentioned this girlfriend for whom Kyo realized he had now developed an irrational dislike, despite never meeting her or fully remembering her name.

“I just wonder who that second person was. Like, I would never _pry_ , especially because he seemed so uncomfortable,” Toshiya said, looking over his shoulder before he changed lanes. “But man. Did you see his face? He couldn’t even talk about it, but he was almost _shaking_. Someone really hurt him.”

“I guess so,” Kyo said as he recalled the darkness that had passed over Die’s face in that moment and how he blamed himself for even dredging up the painful memories.

“And we never think about the incredible amounts of grief he’s gone through in his life because he laughs so much and he gets along with everyone… He’s kind of amazing,” Toshiya said, seeming like he was almost talking to himself.

“Mmhmm,” Kyo said as he was hit with a near-violent wave of self-loathing. Who even _knew_ what kind of pain and trauma Die had been through? And he made people laugh every day, made _Kyo_ laugh harder than anything. He didn’t throw himself some kind of pity party or ask for help or force people to listen to his drama and his whining. Everyone _expected_ Kyo to hate people, to be this negative force, and even if that was how he saw the world, he suddenly felt completely _despicable_ for not… _hiding_ it better. For letting people see his pain, even at risk of others’ discomfort. Die was so strong. Die was a much better person than him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is a concert and a party, and Kyo has a very good day and a very bad day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy folks! Quick couple of things:  
> This is the Long Chapter. Kind of a lot happens (though still nothing actually).  
> This is also the chapter where there is some discussion of heavy stuff (self-harm, past rape/sexual assault) and while it is reasonably brief, and not graphic or overly explicit at all, the topic is obviously still triggering for people, so I just wanted to give a warning that this is that chapter.  
> Big thank you to those of you who have been keeping up with this as it goes along--I'm afraid we're still a ways from the end. Love love love.

The next couple days passed agonizingly slowly. Kyo was drowning in excitement and dread just at the mere thought of Saturday’s concert, part of him convinced Die would back out before then, find some excuse or another to not go with him. Kyo tried to tell himself that would be fine, and it wasn’t a big deal at all, but in reality he couldn’t fully understand why a crush was making him this nervous about something as easy as going to a show with a friend.

Finally they were wrapping up their photoshoot and Kyo’s stomach was tingling with anticipation as he scrubbed makeup off his face. He deliberated for a bit over how much would be overdressing and left just his lip stud in, along with a few rings in his left ear. He changed into some fitted, cropped grey trousers and a patterned button-up shirt with a collar that mostly covered the tattoo on his neck. He put a thick cardigan over it all and situated his glasses on his face before he headed out from the changing area to find Die.

He ran into Shinya first and handed over his backpack with his change of clothes in it, since Shinya had offered to take it home now, saving Kyo from having to drag it around to the concert and back afterwards. Shinya reaffirmed what time he'd expect them after the show and told Kyo to have a good time before he departed. Die wandered out of the bathroom a minute later, face splitting into a genuine smile when he saw Kyo.

“Hey! Well, you look handsome.”

Kyo willed himself not to turn beet red as he smiled back at Die, getting out an awkward, “Thanks, you look great, too.”

He really did. Die had such an easy, natural way of looking good, and he was flawless in faux-leather pants and boots, a blazer over his loose-fitting t-shirt. His hair was pinned half-back from his face and somehow even the slightly tired circles under his eyes looked fashionable. Slipping his sunglasses on, he raised his eyebrows at Kyo. “Shall we?”

Kyo nodded and followed Die to his car, thanking him again for driving.

“No problem,” Die said as he tossed his shoulder bag in the back seat. “I don’t mind driving. Just means _you_ have to play navigator.”

“Which I’m fine at,” Kyo said, climbing into the passenger seat, moving aside a few papers that had been left there. “As long as I have the directions in front of me.”

Die gestured to the papers Kyo had moved. “You’re holding them.”

“Oh, perfect,” Kyo said, flipping through the pages to find a map of their route to the venue.

Die got in to the driver’s seat and held out two bottles to Kyo. “Which one do you want? You can have either; I have more of both in a cooler.” He nodded towards the back seat.

Kyo took the offered green tea with a quiet thank you. “You’re prepared. We’re just going across town right? Not planning on making this a full-on road trip?”

Die laughed. “No, but it’s better than being thirsty! I’m sorry we don’t really have time to get dinner or anything. You’re not starving? I could try to drive through somewhere if you are.” He cracked open his own coffee drink and took a sip before he settled it in the cupholder.

“I’m fine,” Kyo said, shaking his head. “What about you? Have you eaten?” He didn’t totally keep the warning, motherly tone out of his voice. He couldn’t help but worry about Die when it came to matters of eating a proper amount.

“I ate breakfast _and_ lunch, so I should be fine,” Die assured him, flashing a quick smile as he pulled out of the parking spot.

Kyo nodded, thinking if need be they could get something at Shinya’s afterwards. “So you know where we’re going?”

“Nope, but you do!” Die said, pausing at the exit of the parking lot. “Which way?”

Kyo pulled out the papers again, shuffling through to find numbered instructions and began directing Die, only making them backtrack once or twice throughout the drive.

It was pleasant and easy and they talked mostly about music while they drove, discussing what they hoped Kiki Morrison would play in the concert tonight and what it seemed likely that she would. It was so comfortable Kyo hardly noticed how tied up in knots his stomach was.

“I only saw her in concert once before,” Die said as they started to near the venue—a small intimate space tucked away from any of the bigger tourist draws. “But she was amazing on stage.”

“I bet,” Kyo said. Honestly he was pretty excited about just going and watching the show. “I haven’t seen her at all, you know.”

“You’ll love it. Her stage presence is just—” He cut off, rolling his eyes. “Well. I guess it’s not that wild compared to _some_ people.”

Kyo raised his eyebrows. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Come on, obviously no one tops you,” Die said.

Kyo only just managed to keep himself from answering back, “ _You_ could” when Die was slamming on the brakes and one long arm shot out in front of Kyo across his chest, keeping him from lurching forward.

“Sorry!” Die said, leaving his arm stretched across Kyo’s space for a minute. “Wasn’t expecting traffic to stop like that.”

“It’s okay,” Kyo said, his heart unusually loud in his ears with Die’s arm still brushing his shoulders. The brakes hit again and Kyo was pressed harder up against Die’s arm. There was something dizzying about how strong and protective it was, like Die would keep him right there, where he was safe, where _he wanted him to be_.

“Sorry again,” Die said, his eyes on the traffic ahead. “I’m just gonna leave my arm here until I’m sure I won’t need to hit the brakes again—I know my brakes aren’t the best, I’m gonna get it worked on, I swear.”

“It’s fine,” Kyo said. After another minute he let out a faint laugh. “I feel like a bag of groceries.”

Die glanced over at him and laughed too, relaxing his arm and lightly pushing at Kyo’s shoulder as he pulled away. “Sorry, it’s just a reflex.” As the traffic gradually dispersed they spotted their destination and followed signs towards parking.

They’d made good time and upon getting out, Kyo waited patiently for Die to lock up the car before they headed back towards the actual performance space. It seemed reasonably crowded for its size, but Kyo wasn’t too worried about being recognized and asked for autographs and the like. With his tattoos covered and his hair black he honestly didn’t stand out nearly as much as his tall, red-headed companion, but Die rarely gave the impression that he was trying to hide himself from anyone with his sexy, confident swagger and heart-stopping smile. Kyo felt safely overlooked walking beside him. But really the overlap of fans between this type of music and their own was small enough that no one was likely to bother them.

In the front lobby of the theater there was a display up encouraging people to be active in their communities. It shared information about local volunteer opportunities and one large board was hanging covered in different colored sticky notes. Across the top it read, “ _How do you want to help your community?_ ” A small table in front of it had a variety of sticky notes and colored pens, and people had posted their own, stating all kinds of things they wanted to give back.

“ _Start a garden_ ”

“ _Help my elders_ ”

“ _I want to clean up litter near the beach_ ”

Die picked up a pen, twirling it between his fingers. “She had something kind of like this set up last time I saw her too, even though it was years ago. She’s big into the whole community service thing.”

Kyo nodded and pulled off a sticky note for himself. He tilted his head for a thoughtful moment and then wrote, “ _I want to absorb more pain so that something stronger and more beautiful can grow in its place._ ” He slapped it up on the board and put the pen back on the table.

Die leaned to see what Kyo had written and shook his head with a soft snort. “Fuckin’ poet.”

“What?” Kyo said, slightly embarrassed. “Too much?”

Die tossed his pen onto the table. “Guess there’s no point in me writing one now, is there? Won’t be as beautiful as that.”

“No, you should write something!” Kyo said, trying to push the pen back into Die’s hand.

“Nope, I couldn’t say anything as well as you already said it.”

“Sorry,” Kyo said uncertainly.

“It’s fine, I’ve come to expect it of you,” Die said, smiling to let Kyo know he was really only teasing. “Let’s go find our seats.”

Kyo followed Die towards the doors into the theater, stopping to get their tickets on Die’s phone scanned by a staff member who thanked them and ushered them inside.

It wasn’t an overly large space, but felt more cozy than claustrophobic and Kyo found the atmosphere to be a pleasant change from anything like their own concerts. Around the outside and up a couple of steps there were small tables situated where audience members could order drinks or a dessert set.

Kyo glanced at the people sitting there as he and Die wove down aisles on the main floor looking for their assigned seats. “Should we have sprung for a table?”

Die looked up and snorted. “No way. I drove us here, I’m not trying to get drunk before I get us home.”

“Fair enough,” Kyo said. He nearly bumped into Die as he stopped towards the end of one row and gestured to the two seats beside them before dropping into one.

“This place is nice, though, and the cheesecake looked good,” Die said, looking around. “Did you see it on the sign?”

“I didn’t, but I’ll take your word for it,” Kyo said. “You haven’t been here before?”

“No, have you?” Die asked. He was shifting around trying to get comfortable without man-spreading so much that he ran into Kyo with his knees. Finally he crossed one leg over the other, not apparently noticing the amusement with which Kyo was watching.

“I haven’t,” Kyo said.

They made more conversation as seats started filling up, and Die got to telling a rather entertaining story about the first time he’d had a mimosa.

“It was probably my sixth or seventh before I realized it had alcohol in it,” Die said.

“Nooo,” Kyo laughed. “What did you think it was, you couldn’t taste it?”

“Not at all! I thought it was just some kind of sparkling orange juice!” Die said, laughing too. “I ended up completely wasted on more mimosas than I’d even bothered to count; the guys from the other band who got me started on them were just laughing their asses off, I’m sure.”

“I bet they were,” Kyo said, his hand trying to cover his own laughter.

“Yeah, like you’re doing right now,” Die said, narrowing his eyes.

“Do I look like I’m denying it?” Kyo said. His cheeks hurt from how wide he was grinning and that thought only made him grin wider as he realized it was becoming almost common for him to laugh this much since he’d started spending so much time around Die.

The lights dimmed and came back up, warning stragglers to get to their seats before the show got started and Kyo felt that little thrill go through him that came from attending a live music event where he wasn’t a performer. It was a rarer thing these days than he really liked, and when the lights dimmed for real he found himself grinning excitedly at Die, who returned it indulgently.

The concert began and the show itself was even better than Kyo had honestly been expecting. Die was right that Kiki Morrison’s stage presence was incredible, and from the moment she appeared, Kyo’s eyes were almost glued on her.

Almost.

The issue was that she did a lot of funny bantering between songs, and every time Die laughed, Kyo couldn’t remotely stop himself from looking over at him. His sunglasses were pushed up onto his head but his hair still fell into his face in the softest of ways whenever he leaned forward, and Kyo just wanted to reach up and tuck it behind his ear.

He managed to keep himself in check throughout the concert except for towards the end when the band started playing one of his very favorite songs from their entire discography. He hadn’t been expecting it in the least, and without really thinking about it he grabbed Die’s arm on the rest between their seats, shaking him and grinning wildly again. Die just beamed back at him, putting his hand over Kyo’s and squeezing before he turned back to watch the stage. Kyo’s mouth felt a little dry at that, surprised by Die’s response almost as much as by his own oddly unrestrained actions. But he supposed Die was much more of a touchy-feely person than he was, so maybe he hadn’t found it strange at all.

The rest of the live was enjoyable in an uneventful kind of way and the audience got near hysterical when in the encore she played a bouncy old jazz standard, in stark contrast to the edgier more dissonant stuff she’d been playing most of the night. Kyo and Die cheered just as loud as everyone else and were so drained by the end they had a hard time getting up and leaving for a few minutes, letting most of the rest of the audience dwindle before heading for the door.

“Do you want to wait in case she comes out to sign things?” Die asked.

Kyo shook his head. “I wouldn’t know what to say.” He jammed his hands in his pockets as they stepped outside, finding it had gotten exceptionally cold since they went in a couple hours earlier.

They started down the block in silence, the chilly night air whipping around them, blowing Die’s hair into his face, though he seemed unfazed by it.

Finally Kyo spoke up again, “Thank you. For coming with me, or for bringing me, I guess.”

Die brought an arm around Kyo’s shoulders, hugging tight for a moment before just staying draped there as they walked. “Thank _you_ for inviting me! I had a really good time.”

“Me too,” Kyo said, and any thought he’d had of the evening being cold had completely vanished from his mind.

When they got back to the car, Die set a playlist on his phone for when they started driving, and Kyo smiled as he easily recognized it as one of music he’d given or recommended to Die.

The drive this time was spent discussing the concert, both of them having an almost surprising amount to say about it. Kyo bit back a sigh of disappointment when in no time at all he recognized that they were approaching Shinya’s home.

“I couldn’t believe they busted out ‘Lady is a Tramp’ like that,” Die was saying. “Man, that takes me back to, like, junior high. I think our brass club was doing an arrangement of it.” He shook his head. “Not real happy memories.”

“The arrangement was that bad?” Kyo said. “Or were you a member of brass club and failed to mention it? Have we just been making fun of Shinya all this time when we could have laughed at both of you?”

“No, no, no, that was not my thing,” Die said, “Just it was like the background to other unpleasant junior high memories.”

“Like what? You weren’t bullied or something, you said, right?”

“No, not bullied.” Die paused, pursed his lips. He looked like he was trying to decide whether or not he was going to keep talking and Kyo wondered if he should change the subject. After a moment Die let out a breath and started talking, looking ahead, out the windshield. “When I was in junior high, there was a girl in my group of friends, who… She and I…”

“First girlfriend?” Kyo said hesitantly.

Die shook his head, his brow creased in frustration. “No, more like… Friends with benefits? As much as that can be a thing when you’re thirteen years old. We’d just hang out after school and… make out basically.”

Kyo watched as Die pulled into a space just down the street from Shinya’s building. He put the car into park, but kept his eyes facing forward.

“But she always… wanted to try _more_ ,” Die said, one hand rubbing again at his collarbone in an unconscious nervous gesture. “She wanted more even when I said it wasn’t what _I_ wanted.”

Kyo clenched his jaw. He could see where this story was going and already wanted to discover time travel to go back and keep it from getting there.

“It didn’t matter that much, I guess, what I wanted?” Die leaned his head back, eyes almost searching the night sky for something. Kyo didn’t miss the shine in them, tears threatening their presence, but not quite there. “Even when I told her no, she kind of… did stuff anyway. She…” He paused for a long moment, his mouth open, but like he couldn’t get anything to come out before he shook his head again, muttering, “No, it’s… I don’t want to use that word; it’s too… horrific.”

Kyo didn’t need the word anyway. He just stayed quiet, watching Die, feeling like time was stopped outside of this car and this moment.

“I did try to tell a teacher what happened,” Die said. “I guess I’m lucky she took pity on me and I didn’t end up having to publicly apologize for doing that shit in the first place. Their solution was just to… keep me away from the girl. Meaning I spent the next two years pretty isolated.”

“Your other friends?” Kyo asked quietly.

“I couldn’t really explain what happened. They sided with her,” Die said, still not looking at Kyo. “Either thought it was something I did or that I deserved it for being a ‘pathetic girly-boy’ as I heard one guy put it.” His expression was a darker cousin of his usual smile. “In junior high, I pretty much got along with everyone, because I didn’t _have_ my own group of friends. I was completely alone, and I didn’t think I’d have anyone ever again. So I guess those are my memories from that time.”

Kyo resisted the urge to throw his arms around Die, to pull him towards him and never let go. Instead he said softly, “That girl… she’s the other person you’d have disappear?”

Die nodded, finally looking over at Kyo. He wasn’t crying, but he looked so _tired_ that Kyo’s heart ached.

Kyo reached out a hand and put it a bit stiffly on the back of Die’s shoulder. There was no sound besides the music from Die’s phone still quietly playing through the car speakers. “Thank you, for telling me.”

Die smiled a little, bringing one hand up to hold Kyo’s forearm. “Thanks for listening.”

They stayed like that for a minute, and Die’s thumb rubbed gently along Kyo’s arm where his sleeve was pushed up. Kyo’s breath caught as he traced over an old scar there, but he managed not to jerk his arm away, just keeping still, looking somewhere past Die. Nonetheless, Die noticed the reaction and said, to Kyo’s surprise, “I’m glad you’re not hurting yourself like this onstage anymore,” as he rubbed his thumb over the scar again.

Kyo didn’t even know what to say to that so he just nodded, then managed, “Though I’m sure some would disagree with you, who think I’ve gotten lazy, or I’m trying to rob them of a good show.”

Die released Kyo’s arm, letting out a sound between frustration and disgust. “ _Fuck_ those guys, seriously.”

“You know, I think I’ll pass,” Kyo quipped as he dropped his hand from Die’s shoulder.

Die made a face, clearly amused by the inappropriate timing for Kyo’s use of humor. Maybe he recognized it as a defense mechanism of sorts as he just chuckled and shook his head. “Really though, that’s just bullshit.”

“I don’t disagree,” Kyo said.

Die’s face got somewhat more serious as he said, “I know it wasn’t just some gimmick, wasn’t about just the show for you. You just really got that deep in the music. You felt it that hard.” He gave Kyo a curious sort of look then and though he hadn’t phrased it as a question, Kyo could tell he was meant to confirm or deny this reasoning.

“It certainly started that way,” Kyo said, nodding slowly. He scrunched his mouth to one side. “It got… more complicated.”

“All right, backstory chapter two,” Die said, turning off the car and silencing the music. “How did it get more complicated?”

Kyo was a bit stunned. He wasn’t used to people giving him their undivided attention like that, not for a show or a magazine article, but to _know_. Because they wanted to know _him_. He took a while to figure out the words he wanted to say. Finally he sighed. “It got to where it was an excuse… to hurt the way I wanted to. Or… needed to. And I couldn’t stop once I got started.”

Die was just looking at him patiently, giving no sign he wanted to interrupt at all.

“Before—after we finished _Withering to Death_ , and were working on material for The _Marrow of a Bone_ , in between there, those tours, it got worse, um… It was worse.” Kyo was struggling more and more to get the words out, running his fingertips over the texture of Die’s dashboard to ground himself, his eyes not really focused on anything. “And I-I know it showed up in my lyrics then a lot, too. But I had… I felt like I _needed_ to bleed because I _deserved_ it, but um. But also I… I needed to match.” He took a deep breath and let it out. He could still feel Die’s eyes on him, all non-judgmental, just waiting. “Inside, I was… ruined,” he said, swallowing hard. “I couldn’t stand my outsides looking so… It hurt so much, but I couldn’t _feel_ it, _see_ it, the physical pain, the blood. I needed that, needed the scars. It felt like it helped after… But I couldn’t _talk_ about it, not— There was. Something that happened. To me,” he finished, barely audible by the end.

Kyo closed his eyes and waited for the barrage of questions— _Why didn’t you just stop it from happening? Were you drunk? Did you report it? What did they do to you anyway?_

But no questions came. After a lengthy pause, Die just said, “That makes sense.”

Kyo couldn’t really believe what he’d heard, and opened his eyes to look at Die. He didn’t want details? He wasn’t going to tell Kyo he’d handled everything wrong? “It was easier than telling anyone,” he said meekly.

Die just nodded, and Kyo saw that he understood without him having to put any of it into words. Tears stung the corners of his eyes and started falling before he could even fully register them. “I get it, what you’re saying… makes sense. It’s valid,” Die said again.

Kyo had had no idea how much he needed to hear those words until they were being spoken to him. He sniffed, wiping at his face with his sleeve. “I got so carried away... I didn’t know if I could stop.”

“You scared me a few times,” Die admitted. “I didn’t know at what point I should be stepping in.”

Kyo nodded before he whispered, “I was scared, too.”

“Then I should have stepped in sooner.”

Kyo shrugged. “It turned out okay. Now I’m… I’m in a much better place. I got some help. I just have to be careful. I don’t want to get back there.”

“I can help now, too,” Die said.

“What?” Kyo said. “No, it’s not something you have to—”

“But I know more now, so I _can_ help, and I _want_ to.” He looked at Kyo seriously. “You don’t have to do everything on your own.”

Everything went quiet and Kyo felt that pull again, wanted nothing so much in this moment as to kiss Die, right on the spot. It would have been so _easy—_ but he didn’t even lean towards him, choosing instead to cock his head and study Die.

Finally Kyo said, “You’re a good person to talk to. I want to keep talking to you. Other times, I mean.”

Die huffed out a laugh. “I’m really not.”

“This again?” Kyo said. “You just listened to everything I said, and I never open up to people like that.”

“Yeah, but you’re really the only person I have talks like this with,” Die said. “You’ve seen the way I talk to people most of the time! It’s jokes and drinking and references and inconsequential teasing about one thing or another. I don’t talk to people about anything real. You’re just… easy to talk to.”

“Me?” Kyo said, honestly surprised. He smirked. “Die, are you saying I’m a good conversationalist?”

Die laughed again. “I guess I am.”

Kyo smiled, the extreme weight of the conversation only minutes prior faded into nothing. Suddenly his eyes went wide though. “Oh, hey, we should probably go in!”

“Right, yeah,” Die said. “We’re gonna miss the whole shindig.”

“Shit,” Kyo said, looking at his phone before he got himself out of the car. “I feel bad, we’ve been sitting out here… kind of a while.”

“Yeah, let’s _not_ tell everyone just how long we’ve been here,” Die said, getting out as well and locking up.

Kyo started into the building and Die followed closely, taking the steps to Shinya’s floor two at a time.

“I hope they got food, I’m kind of starving by now,” Die said.

Kyo smiled at that, and realized as an afterthought that he was pretty hungry himself. He could hardly keep a kind of giddiness off his face as he practically bounced to Shinya’s door. Everything was perfect. Even if what they’d been discussing had been dark in subject matter, he didn’t think he’d ever felt so _close_ to someone as he did to Die, and just knowing that he _understood_ meant more to him than just about anything else could have.

Die ended up at Shinya’s door a step or two ahead of Kyo and knocked before leaning one hand on the doorframe.

Shinya opened the door looking almost surprised to see them, and Kyo noticed the apartment was quiet behind him except for some sounds from the TV playing.

“Hi there!” Die said, smiling as if there was no tension in the air.

“Hello,” Shinya said, raising an eyebrow. He stepped aside to let them in. “I was wondering where you guys were. Honestly I was about to call, thought maybe you got lost or something.”

Kyo opened his mouth, apologies at the ready, but then Die was talking, “I know, yeah, there was more traffic than we expected on the way back. Sorry if we worried you.”

“Traffic, huh? Sorry to hear that,” Shinya said, holding out his hands to take their jackets.

Kyo passed over his sweater, feeling a bit lost. He felt bad about sitting out in Die’s car for so long and worrying Shinya, but he hadn’t expected them to outright _lie_ about it. Had it really been something that needed to stay hidden like that?

As they followed Shinya up into the living room, he started to worry that Die was somehow ashamed of the time he’d spent with Kyo, that maybe he didn’t want people to know they'd been talking because he was ashamed of _Kyo_.

“Do you guys want pizza? There’s kind of a lot left; we thought you’d be here,” Shinya said, gesturing towards the kitchen.

“We definitely want pizza,” Die said.

Shinya nodded and told them to get comfortable while he went and reheated it. Die sprawled on the couch, but Kyo still was plagued with a nervous confusion, and offered to go help Shinya in the kitchen instead. He glanced back at Die as he followed Shinya out of the room, and mentally slapped himself for being selfish. After everything that Die had shared with him, he was concerned about Die keeping their conversation private? It was as much to protect Kyo as it was to protect Die; he was just allowing them to hold each other’s admissions in confidence, and, to tell the truth, Kyo was grateful or it.

Once the pizza was reheating, Kyo voiced the obvious question, “Where are the others?”

“They were here,” Shinya said. “Toshiya left probably an hour ago? Kaoru left even before that.”

“Sorry we were so late,” Kyo muttered as the microwave beeped. “Didn’t mean to miss everything.”

“It’s not your fault,” Shinya shrugged as he plated the pizza and handed it to Kyo. He grabbed a beer out of his fridge and looked at Kyo with raised eyebrows, silently offering him his choice of beverage.

“Tea?” he said, and Shinya pulled out a bottled green tea, similar to the one Die had given him earlier, before closing the fridge with his hip and gesturing Kyo back towards the living room.

Die sat up somewhat when they came back, grinning and reaching for his plate before Kyo could even hand it to him. “Itadakimasu,” he said, and eagerly dug in.

Shinya took his seat on the other end from Die, and Kyo sat on the floor facing the couch, not really wanting to be crowded between them just then. He ate his pizza a bit more slowly.

After a few bites, Die said to Shinya, “Even for you, I’d say your party seems kinda quiet.”

“Yeah, everyone left before we got here,” Kyo said.

Die raised his eyebrows and wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand. “Did they really? They were here and they left?”

Shinya nodded, taking a sip of his beer.

“Those _dicks_!” Die said in disbelief. He made quick work of his pizza and shifted his now-empty plate to the end table next to him. “We’ll show them.”

“Show them what?” Kyo said.

Die’s eyes twinkled. “Mimosas.”

“ _Mimosas_?” Shinya repeated.

Kyo almost choked on his pizza.

“Yep!” Die dusted off his hands as he stood up from the couch.

“Isn’t that… I don’t have any champagne on hand,” Shinya said, looking at Die like he was genuinely concerned for his mental health. “If you want something else to drink, I have a lot of choices—”

Die opened his mouth and then closed it again before saying, “No, that’s all right. I’m not drinking tonight; I have to drive home in a little while.” He started moving towards the kitchen. “We don’t really need the champagne anyway. We just need the _illusion_ of mimosas!”

He disappeared into the kitchen and Kyo exchanged a baffled look with Shinya before hopping up and hurrying after him, while Shinya rolled his eyes and stayed on the couch with his beer.

Kyo found Die rifling through the cupboards above the counter and just stood there for a moment before Die said, without turning towards him, “See if he has orange juice in the fridge?”

Kyo did as he was asked and set the half-full carton of orange juice on the counter near Die.

“These will do,” Die said to himself, pulling down a few generously-sized wineglasses and setting them next to the juice.

“You’re really driving home tonight?” Kyo said then.

Die looked at him, but didn’t hold his gaze as he said, “Yeah, I’ve got to be back.”

“It’s so late already,” Kyo said. “I’m sure Shinya wouldn’t mind you staying the night. He has a guest room; I can take the couch, I really don’t mind.”

“I’ve driven home much later than this plenty of times,” Die said, starting to fill the glasses with orange juice.

“But…” Kyo’s frown deepened. “I think we all remember a time when you didn’t do so hot driving while really tired.” Die still wasn’t looking at him and he sighed. “I just want you to be safe.”

“You make a fair point,” Die allowed. “And your concern is noted.” He walked over to the fridge, placing the carton of juice back inside. “But honestly, I’m fine. I’m not even that tired, so no worries, okay?” He flashed Kyo a perfect smile and handed him a wineglass.

Kyo’s stomach still felt all twisted up and Die smiling at him like that didn’t help any. He knew even if his concern for Die’s safety was valid some part of him just wanted Die to stay so that… Die would _stay_. He felt so good around him, and the evening had been so _good_ , and he wasn’t ready for it to end. He followed Die back to the living room, looking down at the glass in his hand.

“What are we doing with these?” Shinya asked as Die thrust a glass of juice into his hand as well.

“We’re making them regret leaving before the party even started!” Die said. With that he whipped out his phone and threw an arm around Kyo before snapping a selfie of the two of them.

Kyo was confused, but Shinya was smiling and stood up to take Die’s phone from him.

“I’ll get one of you both drinking.”

“But Kyo, you have to make that face you make,” Die said.

“What face?”

“The one you always make when you drink alcohol, don’t pretend like you don’t know,” Die said, sounding exasperated.

Kyo laughed at that and then lifted the glass, posing for the picture and wrinkling his nose.

“Perfect,” Shinya said, swiping back to look at it.

“Kyo, keep drinking yours,” Die said as he glanced around the room, planning his next move. “Here, get one of me leaning over the back of the couch.”

Shinya held up the phone and shook his head as Die got into position, leaning backwards over the back of the couch and trying to drink from his glass upside down. “Please don’t ruin my couch.”

Die clicked his tongue, brushing his hand over the upholstery where a few drops had spilled on the cushions. “It’s just juice; it’ll wash out.”

Shinya and Die took a few more pictures of each other in impractical poses, letting Kyo work on his drink. He’d downed about half of his orange juice when Die was shoving a good-sized Cheburashka plush into the crook of his arm. Kyo furrowed his brow in distaste and Die scolded him.

“No! You have to look like this is your new best friend!”

Kyo gave a snort before going into photoshoot mode. He did a whole storyline, his initial fascination with Cheburashka, some seduction, eventual betrayal, and finally Die got a shot of Kyo curled up on the couch, apparently asleep, the empty wineglass next to him and the plush toy clutched tightly in his arms.

Shinya was snickering behind his hand the whole time, and by the end, Die had tear tracks down his cheeks from laughing so much. “You’re a natural,” he told Kyo.

Kyo stretched, Cheburashka resting against his chest. “No, not natural. I’ve just had about twenty years of experience.”

“Then I guess it shows,” Die said. He chose a couple photos and sent them to Toshiya with the accompanying texts [ _Looks like we finally found the drink for Kyo: MIMOSAS!!_ ] and [ _Wish you were here <3<3!_] with a carefully placed typo or two.

“What’s next?” Kyo asked.

“Kaoru,” Die said, with a wicked glint in his eye.

“More photos?” Shinya asked, picking up Cheburashka and cradling him in his arms.

Die shook his head and cleared his throat. Then he made a call on his phone and held up a finger to keep the others quiet while it was ringing. As soon as it went to voicemail, he grinned and then dropped into an almost awe-inspiring impression of his drunk self.

“KAORU! Ka-Kaoru? Is it working? Hey man! You left! What the hell man, left before we even got here!”

Kyo had to keep a hand clapped over his own mouth to keep from laughing, somewhat amazed by how easily Die could slip into this role.

“You should _be_ here, man, you could… you could use your fuckin’… perfect pitch t’ tell me all the notes in the Batman score ’n’ we could—is… am I talking into the right end of this? Shin?” He looked at Shinya, who hurried to his side to help.

“Yes, that’s right. Are you finished?” Shinya asked, softly, as much in character as Die was.

“NO! Just he should, he should _be_ here! They should both be here—there’s five points on a pentagram!” Die said, sounding on the verge of tears now. He held out the phone for Shinya to take.

“All right, good job, all done now!” Shinya said. Into the phone he added, “I’m sorry, he’s wanted to call you for an hour now. I couldn’t stop him. Between him and Kyo, it’s a lot. Excuse us.” He ended the call with a smirk and Die burst out laughing.

Kyo was staring at them both in a combination of admiration and fear. It had seemed so natural, easy as flipping a switch, he had to wonder whether they’d done it before. “How often are you faking being drunk?” he asked.

“Not often enough for you to worry about it,” Die said with a smug look.

“How can I ever believe anything you say now that I know how good you are at that?” Kyo said, laughing. He was mostly joking, but the fear was there, honestly.

Die frowned at him as he slipped his phone back into his pocket. Evidently he could read the worry under Kyo’s light tone. “You can trust me. If I’m faking, I’ll give you a signal or something?”

Kyo moved to sit back on the floor, grabbing the tea he’d left on the coffee table earlier. “What kind of signal?”

“Something like…” Die ran a hand through his hair, then raised his eyebrows at Kyo. “That?”

“What, running your hand through your hair?” Kyo said.

“We’d have to assume you were fake-drunk every time we saw you,” Shinya said, leaning against the arm of the couch with Cheburashka still tucked against him.

“Oh no,” Die said, grimacing. “I do it a lot, don’t I?”

“That feels like an understatement,” Kyo said.

“Yeah, I know,” Die said. “My girlfriend’s always on me about it, too.”

Kyo only barely managed to school his expression into one of indifference. He took a long drink of his tea to avoid responding.

“Your girlfriend?” Shinya said. “I don’t think I’ve heard you mention her before. What’s her name? Is she in the music business, too?”

“Her name is Heather, and no, she’s not that big on music,” Die said. “She’s a writer, actually, works on screenplays, that kind of thing.”

Kyo looked down a the bottle in his hand, his jaw clenched tight. He wanted to make some snarled comment that _he_ was a writer too, but he didn’t even know why. The irrational negativity he felt towards this stranger was entirely unwelcome but he could hardly contain the urge to _scream_ at the mere mention of her.

“Heather?” Shinya said. “Not Japanese then?”

_Ohhhh my god, why is Shinya making us keep talking about her?_ “No, she’s American, isn’t that right?” Kyo said tightly.

“Yeah, American,” Die said, nodding. He pulled out his phone. After a few swipes of his thumb he handed it to Shinya. “There, that’s us together.”

“Oh wow,” Shinya said. “Aw, Die, she’s beautiful.” He leaned down to pass the phone to Kyo on the floor.

_Goddammit, Shinya, really??_ Kyo looked at the picture, but didn’t reach out to take the phone. He just nodded and gave a noncommittal, “Hmm, yeah.” Everything in him felt like it was being ripped apart by some searing hot blade. His grip on the bottle tightened and even as Shinya pulled the phone away to give back to Die, Kyo could see the photo as if the image was burned painfully onto his mind. Heather _was_ objectively very pretty, all long blonde hair, almost as tall as Die with a wide smile that seemed to match his perfectly. 

Maybe that was the worst part: their twin smiles, all straight teeth and radiating friendliness. Die looked so _happy_ with her, and much as Kyo _knew_ that meant he should be happy _for_ him, he couldn’t help feeling more sick to his stomach.

“I don’t think I’d imagined you with a girl like that,” Shinya said. “But now that I see it, it seems like it makes perfect sense. You go very well together.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Die said, smiling at the picture again before putting his phone away. “I call her ‘my pale lady.’”

“Aww,” Shinya said. “Adorable."

Kyo’s nausea only increased.

“Does she speak Japanese at all?” Shinya asked.

“She does, yeah. She’s so humble about it, but she’s really good.”

“Wow, that’s amazing!” Shinya said. “Where did you find such a smart girlfriend, eh?”

Die laughed and started in on some anecdote about how they met and how _funny_ Heather was, in addition to being smart and beautiful, but Kyo managed to most tune it out as he took out his own phone and started writing a vague little diary entry for his mobile site.

Kyo kind of couldn’t believe just how awful he felt. He wished they’d stop talking about _Heather Heather Heather_. Well, he wouldn’t forget her name again, would he? But _why_? Die had barely mentioned her in passing more than once and now, out of nowhere, she’s the main subject of conversation? It felt so pointed, like Kyo was being _punished_ for something. Only what had he done to deserve it?

“She sounds great,” Kyo heard Shinya say, and tried to shake himself back into the moment. “So when do we get to meet her?”

“Soon, soon!” Die said. “I’ll bring her around. I think it’s probably time for her to see what I do with my life.”

“Pretty serious then,” Shinya said, smiling.

“I think it’s safe to say so, yeah,” Die said, smiling back.

Kyo managed not to hurl his half-empty bottle of tea through the window. He couldn’t make himself say anything though, couldn’t force any words to come out of his mouth. He just sat there, scrolling through a few more things on his phone until Shinya was getting up to take dishes into the kitchen.

“Die, you’re sure you’re not staying?” Shinya asked as he came back into the living room.

“Nah, I’ve got to be getting home,” Die said, pushing himself up from the couch.

Kyo couldn’t even find it in himself to protest Die leaving anymore, just pushing himself to stand as well so he could say goodnight.

As expected, Die went to hug Shinya first, thanking him for his hospitality, even if the party hadn’t gone as originally planned. He hesitated before moving to hug Kyo, just for a half a second, and Kyo wasn’t sure if he’d just imagined it because his mood had gone so sour. Kyo was careful not to hug die back any tighter than usual, not to bury his face in the comfort of Die’s chest as he let himself be held. He took a page out of Die’s book and forced a casual smile onto his face as they pulled back.

“Drive safe,” Kyo said.

“Text to let us know you got home all right,” Shinya called as Die headed to the front door.

“Will do.” Die waved once more and then he was gone.

Shinya came over to stand next to Kyo where he was still glued to the spot, staring at the closed door. “Short party,” Shinya said with a sigh.

“I guess so.”

“We can still hang out,” Shinya said. “Can I get you anything?”

Kyo was about to shake his head and say he’d rather turn in early when he stopped himself. “Yeah, actually, Shinya, can you get me a drink?”

“Sure,” Shinya said, moving towards the kitchen. “What do you want? I have more tea, there might be some orange juice left… Actually I think I have some Coke around, too—”

“No, like a real drink, fix me one?” Kyo said.

Shinya turned to look at him, concern just barely showing on his face. “You mean alcohol,” he clarified.

“Yeah, why not?”

“Well… because you don’t drink,” Shinya said. “Are you sure?”

Kyo shrugged. “Yeah, I just feel like it.”

“Why now?” Shinya said, starting slowly towards the kitchen again.

“No one else is here,” Kyo said, following after him. “If I make a fool of myself, now’s a decent time to do it.”

“Okay then. What would you like?” Shinya opened a cabinet with a variety of booze options in it. “I’m guessing you don’t just want a beer.”

Kyo wrinkled his nose. “Yeah, I’ll skip that. I don’t know, what do you think I might like?”

“Hmm.” Shinya thought for a moment. “Margarita?”

Kyo snorted. “I’ll try whatever you think is good.”

Shinya nodded and started to gather what he needed to make a batch of margaritas. “You can go sit down; I’ll bring it out.”

Kyo shuffled back into the living room and sat down on the couch. The tail end of _Batman_ was still playing on the TV and he watched it somewhat absently as his unhappy thoughts tugged mercilessly at him.

How could so much have happened in one day? How could he have gone so quickly from feeling warmth and safety and the world narrowed down to just him and Die—to feeling like that same world was ending and he’d never be happy again? He could admit that he was being a bit dramatic about it, but he was never one to feel things only partway.

He was still looking ahead at the TV screen, but not really seeing it as his mind’s eye provided him with the image of Die in the car, his eyes reflecting the night at he bared his past and his soul to Kyo, offering this piece of himself so freely, with so much trust. And Kyo, in turn, had trusted him just as much.

So what had he done wrong? Was it when he put his hand on Die’s shoulder? Had he overstepped some physical boundary without even realizing it? Or was it just the look in his eyes when they met Die’s that gave away his crush—

Only no, that wasn’t all it was anymore, and Kyo knew it. He’d known it at least since he’d seen how Die’s eyes shone with the nearness of tears and Kyo had realized how badly he wanted to be the one to _take care_ of Die, to keep his pain at bay. But honestly, maybe he’d even known before then. He was in love with Die.

Just then Shinya came back into the living room, glancing between Kyo and the TV before settling on the couch and handing Kyo his drink. “I think you might like it, it’s kind of sour.” 

Kyo thanked him and tried the beverage, keeping himself from making a face. He didn’t really like it, but it wasn’t _horrible_. “It’s good.”

Shinya smiled and looked back at the television, where a movie was just starting. “What are we watching?” He frowned then. “Wait, isn’t this… _Batman_? Again? They’re just showing it twice in a row?”

Kyo shrugged. “Missed the whole beginning before anyway.”

Shinya picked up the remote. “But it’s so _dark_. Don’t you maybe want to watch a comedy show or something?”

“No,” Kyo said quickly. “ _Batman_ is good, I like this.”

Shinya’s face made it obvious he was not a huge fan, but he let it go, dropping the remote back onto the couch. “There’s more margaritas, by the way, if you want another.”

“Thanks,” Kyo said. He started downing the drink in his hand rather quickly. People drank all the time to numb pain, and while generally speaking he was more about feeling pain and knowing it intimately, he wasn’t sure how much more of that he could handle tonight. As soon as he finished his drink, Shinya hopped up to refill his glass for him.

Shinya handed Kyo his second margarita with narrowed eyes as if he were inspecting him closely.

Kyo pretended not to notice the look as he accepted the drink, trying to give him a smile instead. “These really are good; you can hardly taste the alcohol even.”

Shinya arched an eyebrow and said, “It’s still in there though, so pace yourself, okay? I may not have made it as strong as I would have for _Die_ , but I still tend to make pretty strong margaritas, and I’d rather you didn’t make yourself sick.”

Kyo nodded and hoped he didn’t react outwardly to Die’s name the way he felt himself responding inside.

Shinya was apparently oblivious to the torment he was causing Kyo as he continued talking. “I never heard any of that about Die’s girlfriend before. Like I thought he had one, but I wasn’t sure if they were still together.”

Kyo kind of couldn’t believe they were going to be doing this again. “Yeah, I know,” he said vaguely.

“She seems really cute though; it’s nice to see Die happy like that, like he might really settle down with someone.”

“I mean, I guess,” Kyo said before he could stop himself. “We don’t even _know_ her.”

Shinya blinked at him. “But Die seems to like her a lot.”

“Right, ‘cause his taste is suddenly something to go by?” Kyo snapped. He almost winced right after he said it, instead taking another long drink of his margarita.

“Are you okay?” Shinya asked, his brows lowered suspiciously.

“I’m fine,” Kyo said. “I’m just… in kind of a bad mood, I guess.”

“Did you guys not have a good time at the concert?”

“We _did_ ,” Kyo said helplessly. “We did; it was better than I even thought it would be, but… Die… was acting kind of…” he trailed off, unsure where the sentence was even headed.

Shinya’s mouth made a little “o” and he nodded slowly. “You guys had an argument in the car or something? Is that why he wouldn’t stay over?”

“I honestly don’t know,” Kyo said. He finished his drink and his head was hit with a wave of buzzing dizziness, gone just as quickly as it came.

Shinya clucked his tongue disapprovingly and took Kyo’s empty glass to the kitchen, returning a moment later with a new drink for him. “What is it with you, Kyo? You’re always picking fights with people!”

Kyo gaped at him as he took his refilled glass back. “ _Me_?! I didn’t even do anything!”

“Die doesn’t pick fights with people,” Shinya said simply.

Kyo just scowled. He couldn’t argue, because they weren’t even _fighting_. Die hadn’t done anything wrong, it was just Kyo feeling all wounded and punished and it was probably all in his head anyway, just like everything always was. He drank in silence.

After a while Shinya sighed and stretched his arms over his head. “You know, I’m exhausted. It’s been such a long day.” He looked at Kyo with his head tilted. “Will you be very offended if I go to bed? You’re welcome to stay up and watch TV or whatever as long as you like.”

Kyo shook his head, felt it give another throb. “Go ahead. I’m hoping the alcohol helps put me to sleep better too.”

“All right then. You remember where the guest room and everything is. Wake me if you need to,” Shinya said. 

Kyo nodded, reaching out to pat Shinya’s arm. “Go on. Goodnight, and thank you.”

Shinya smiled as he got up from the couch and picked up the plush version of Cheburashka. “Of course. Hope you can get to sleep soon, too. Goodnight, Kyo.”

As he disappeared down the hall, Kyo just stayed where he was, most of the way through his third drink. He didn’t really feel even tipsy, and his pain certainly wasn’t numbed. Rather, his head throbbed again almost violently and Kyo started to laugh as he wondered whether he really shouldn’t be drinking with the medication he was on.

Kyo didn’t stay up much longer after that. He finished his drink and watched to the end of the movie, then cleaned up and turned everything off. He made sure the doors were locked and dragged himself into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

As he lay on Shinya’s guest futon a few minutes later, his head aching dully, he ran over the night’s events in his mind again, and then again. By the time Shinya knocked on the door to offer him coffee in the morning, Kyo didn’t think he’d gotten more than a half hour of sleep the whole night, and he couldn’t have been more miserable if it was Heather herself knocking and greeting him in English.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the band prepares for their upcoming tour and Kyo is perpetually uncomfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of like two short chapters in one, and I have to make up some stuff logistics-wise, so bear with me, as usual. Let's see how they handle what comes next, eh?

In addition to getting ready for Dir en grey’s upcoming tour, Kyo had a lot to prepare for an art exhibit he was going to be putting up in Osaka. It would be mostly his photography, though it was tied in with some poetry and some new material from sukekiyo. He liked to make these things a fully immersive experience, and all the different media types were a lot to work out on a technical level. 

The exhibit would be going up while Dir en grey was on tour. It had already been planned that Kyo would go ahead to Osaka to oversee the final setup before the rest of the band joined him and they had two tour shows in the city after the exhibit’s opening night.

Kyo wondered why he put himself through the stress of trying to do everything at once, but it didn’t stop him from diving into it all head-first. He was nervous and excited to see how these, his other art forms, would be received, how the public would connect with them. As it drew nearer, Kyo had more and more meetings with various staff and technicians with whom he was working. Still, he was texting back and forth with Die every day (despite his initial worry that things may have gotten awkward between them), and sometimes with Toshiya, though those messages didn’t have his heart trying to leap out through his face like Die’s did.

Die never seemed bothered by it, and his girlfriend had not made another appearance in conversation. Kyo almost wondered if there was something to the fact that the two times he had mentioned her were both when there were more people around talking than just the two of them, but as usual, he expected he was reading too much into things.

Kyo had just had a good meeting over Skype with one of the staff from the exhibit space in Osaka, arranging final details on how he wanted the listening area positioned so that the right amount of light could filter in without it disrupting the mood he wanted to create for people to properly experience the spoken words. He thought they’d communicated well and was confident that it would be able to work the way he wanted, and with that he was heading to his rehearsal with Dir en grey in a better mood that he’d had since everything that had gone down at Shinya’s place.

“Look who’s early,” Kaoru said as Kyo walked in. “And not scowling? What is this?”

Kyo shrugged, letting the corner of his mouth quirk up in a smile. “Had a good meeting.”

“Oh yeah?” Kaoru said. “Well I hope you’re not planning on getting too _trashed_ celebrating. We only have a couple rehearsals left.”

Kyo looked at him blankly. Trashed? What did he know about Kyo’s misguided and failed attempt to get drunk at Shinya’s?

“Yeah right, don’t play innocent. Toshiya showed me the pictures of you getting snuggly with Cheburashka,” Kaoru said with a smirk.

_Oh my god_. Kyo covered his mouth with his hand, but Kaoru took it more as an embarrassed expression of guilt than the attempt to cover his laughter that it actually was.

Kaoru chuckled. “I regret leaving early. I really would have liked to have seen that.”

“Seen what?” Die said as he entered the room and set down his bag on a chair against the wall.

Kyo’s stomach did its usual little flip at seeing Die and he lowered his hand from his face so he could smile at him. Die returned the smile, squeezed Kyo’s shoulder briefly before turning back to Kaoru.

“Kyo, plastered. Which reminds me, Die, I got a pretty funny voicemail that night,” Kaoru said, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Die pulled out his phone, scrolling through things idly. “Oh, yeah?” He shot a discreet glance over at Kyo, barely suppressing the smirk threatening to eat his face.

“I guess _someone_ really would have liked my company at Shinya’s party.” Kaoru moved closer before whispering in a mocking tone, “‘There are five points on a pentagram,’ ne, Die?”

Die’s eyes widened in feigned horror and Kyo couldn’t contain the loud snort that escaped him. “Five points… What the fuck, wait, did _I_ say that?” Die said.

Kaoru laughed. “Among other things.”

“What does that even mean?” Die said. “I called you?”

“If you think this will ever stop being funny to me, you are sadly mistaken,” Kaoru told him.

“Hey, look, it’s Drunky and Drunky Jr!” Toshiya said in a jolly voice as he came in.

“What, did I call you too?” Die asked. He caught Kyo’s eye and ran a hand through his hair.

“You didn’t call me,” Toshiya said, taking off his hat and scarf and dropping them onto a nearby music stand. “But you sent me some lovely pictures. And we thought _Kyo_ was the noteworthy photographer in the group.” He waggled his phone at him.

“Let me see those,” Die said. He took the phone and scrolled through the pictures. “Jesus, Kyo looks pretty far gone. How much did we have??”

Kyo covered his face, acting mortified as he continued to hide his laughter.

“You didn’t get photos?” Toshiya asked Kaoru.

“No, I got a voicemail.”

“That sounds amusing.”

“Oh, it is,” Kaoru said with a smile. “Would you like to hear it?”

“Oh god, you _saved_ it?” Die said.

“You couldn’t pay me to delete it, are you kidding?” Kaoru was pulling it up to play on his phone right then, switching the phone to speaker and holding up his hand to quiet everyone as it started.

Toshiya looked thrilled as Die’s apparently rather inebriated voice came through. He kept his mouth dropped open in a huge grin through the whole thing, finally covering it with his hand when Shinya took over and apologized. Die listened with a very convincing grimace on his face, and if Kyo didn’t know better, he was sure he would believe that he was humiliated hearing himself like that.

When it finished Toshiya shook his head. “That was amazing. The _Batman_ score, wow. Please make an audio file of that and send it to me, would you? So I can listen to it when I’m sad.”

“Definitely,” Kaoru said. “But now let’s get set up; we should be ready to start as soon as Shinya arrives.”

As they headed off to ready their instruments, Die slid past Kyo, brushing his shoulder as he breathed out, “ _They can never know_ ,” his eyes wide.

“Oh my god, I know,” Kyo hissed back turning so the others couldn’t see his face. He wanted to say more, but Die was moving away and Kyo decided to let it go for now.

Shinya showed up a moment later and Kaoru gathered them all close so he could give a couple housekeeping notes and talk about setlist options.

When he was done, Kyo spoke up before they went into full rehearsal mode. “Hey, so as you all know, I’ve got that art exhibit opening in Osaka while we’re on tour, and I’ve been doing a lot of work on it.”

They nodded, looking at him patiently.

“I’m excited about it,” Kyo continued. “I had a Skype meeting with one of the guys earlier, and I don’t like to get my hopes up or anything, but I really think it’s gonna be good.” He looked around at them. “And I’d really like it if you all could come to the opening night. It’s a whole gala and everything. I know there’s nothing else planned that night for the band, and if you want to go out and do your own thing in Osaka, that’s totally fine, of course,” he said quickly, trying not to give away just how much this meant to him. “But yeah, if you _want_ to come, I’d love for you to be there.”

“Of _course_ we’ll be there,” Toshiya said at once.

“It is important for band members to support each other’s projects,” Kaoru agreed.

“We definitely wouldn’t miss it,” Die said, smiling at Kyo in that way that made him feel warm all over.

“You already know I’ll be there,” Shinya said. “I may not approve of everything you make, but I’ll be there judging you.” He smiled a little.

Kyo felt relieved and excited and didn’t try to stop the grin that split his face. “Great. Thank you.” He turned things back over to Kaoru so he could get the rehearsal officially started, and then they were moving into position, wielding their instruments and starting in on the first song.

Kyo didn’t even always come to rehearsals honestly. Or he’d show up and spend most of the time outside the rehearsal room or working on something else, just so he was still available, but he didn’t feel like he was in the way. But this close to the tour’s actual start he was singing every song at almost full-out performance level, letting movement come to him where it would, finding where he needed to take another look at lyrics here and there.

Things went smoothly and he invested himself in each song to an appropriate degree. When they got to their run-through of “Tousei” Kyo let himself dip into the pain he felt over the situation with Die, getting into it a bit deeper than he had the rest of the rehearsal. He was nearly sobbing by the time he got to the instrumental break after the bridge. He chanced a look over at Die and found that he was looking back at him. Die mouthed something and it took Kyo a few seconds to realized what it was.

_Mimosas._

Kyo broke at once, and turned his laughter into an anguished cry, dropping to his knees in an attempt to salvage the run of the song.

As soon as they finished, Kyo rounded on Die, but the guitarist gave him an innocent look and Kyo hated that all he wanted was to kiss it right off his face.

“Don’t even _think_ about doing that onstage,” Kyo warned, though he couldn’t keep his expression totally serious.

“Like you’ll be looking at me onstage,” Die shot back, rolling his eyes. “As soon as we get up there you’re in your own world.”

Kyo frowned then. “That’s not true,” he said. He wasn’t sure why it bothered him that Die would think he was ignoring him in performance, but he knew for a fact he wasn’t. Maybe it was true that he didn’t interact with the other band members as much as he had many years ago, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t always aware of them, or that he was focused only on himself.

Did Die really think Kyo was a self-centered performer? Did he feel slighted by Kyo? How long had this been going on and he’d never said anything?

Kyo opened his mouth to demand answers, but Kaoru was moving them on to the next song, and Kyo could only frown as his head swam with guilt he didn’t fully understand.

The rest of the session passed without incident, but Kyo kept looking over at Die and at all his bandmates, feeling hyper-aware of them, giving them special attention even though it was just a rehearsal. No one commented on it and he couldn’t be sure if he was really doing it that much more than he would have anyway. How was it that Die got so easily into his head like that?

After rehearsal they gathered in the parking lot like usual, and despite Kyo’s undercurrent of worry, Die still made no mention of Heather. Instead the discussion was mostly centered on video games, especially the old-school ones they’d grown up with. They hadn’t gotten to have their drunken gaming night at Shinya’s since everyone had split early, and now they were arguing over what they’d bring when they rescheduled. Die professed a love (and claimed a great skill) for Space Invaders, while Toshiya preferred Pac Man, but he was sure he could whoop Die in any classic video game he could name. They agreed a proper game night and full-on competition was in order as soon as they got back from tour.

Die had to leave earlier than usual and said goodnight with his traditional hugs, making his way around the group, coming last to Kyo. As he released him, he said he wanted to recommend a song for him to look up. “‘Origin of Love,’” he said, his arm still around Kyo’s shoulders. “It’s in English. I really think—”

“‘Origin of Love’?” Kyo repeated. “John Cameron Mitchell?”

“You know it?”

“Yeah, I’ve known it for years,” Kyo said with a shrug.

Die smiled and shook his head. “Of course. I guess I should have expected that from you.”

“It’s a good song,” Kyo said uncertainly.

“It is.” Die looked at Kyo a moment longer and then dropped his arm to his side and called out a final goodnight to the group.

Kyo and Toshiya left shortly after with Kyo wondering all the way home what would make Die think to recommend that particular song to him.

 

* * *

 

Rehearsals really were winding down, and the next evening Kyo arrived early once again to meet with some of the wardrobe crew and adjust a few details of what he’d be wearing throughout the tour.

The two girls from the team greeted him without a lot of fuss, simply shoving a couple hangers into his hands and waving him towards the little curtained off changing area. He thanked them and closed the curtain behind himself, stripping off his shirt and starting to try on the options they’d handed him.

Just as he was tugging off the first possible jacket, he heard a third girl from the staff entering the room. She’d barely said her hellos before she blurted out, “Did you guys see the _girl_ in the hall with _Die_?”

Kyo’s grip tightened on the hanger he was holding to keep himself from dropping it. He strained to listen harder, going so quiet he wasn’t sure he was still breathing.

“A girl?” one of the others asked.

“A blonde girl!” she said. “They were holding hands, and I saw them _kiss_ —It must be a _girlfriend_!”

Kyo was certain the ground must have dropped out from under his feet, that he was falling right through the earth—but somehow, no, he was still just standing there half-naked in the changing area. He forced himself to hang up the first jacket and try on the next item while they kept talking.

“What a waste,” one girl sighed.

“He looked happy, though,” the girl who had witnessed it said.

“Maa, I guess we should be happy for him, then,” said the third.

“You go ahead, I’m still gonna mope and be bitter!” the other girl said.

They were all three still giggling when Kyo pulled back the curtain and walked out of the changing area. They looked somewhat startled and embarrassed as he handed back the clothes he’d tried on, as if maybe they hadn’t really remembered he’d been there and could hear them gossiping.

He told them which pieces worked and one or two changes he’d like made and then thanked them politely and left, not giving them time to start apologizing.

He clung desperately to some imaginary possibility that that girl had been wrong about what she’d seen, or that maybe he’d misheard their conversation—his hearing wasn’t great on his left side after all. But these dim hopes faded out quickly as he came into the rehearsal space and spotted her, all American and long blonde hair, sitting in a chair against the wall, apparently engrossed in the book on her lap.

Die was nowhere to be seen, and just being in the same room with _Heather_ made Kyo feel like an extremely tangible panic was rising up to overtake him. He was so _confused_. One minute Die was recommending poignant songs to him, the next he was parading his girlfriend right in front of his face? It wasn’t Die’s fault, if he didn’t know how Kyo felt, but that didn’t make the discomfort of seeing her there in his semi-sacred workspace any easier for Kyo. He looked helplessly around until he saw Toshiya crouching to adjust some levels on his amp, and he crossed over to him with a nearly audible mental _Fuck it_.

“Toshiya, could I borrow you for a minute?” he asked, his voice low.

Toshiya looked up in mild surprise. “Oh, hey, Kyo. Um yeah, something up?”

Kyo kind of wobbled his head from side to side rather than answering and started back towards the door, hardly waiting for a puzzled Toshiya to follow him.

He didn’t say anything as they moved purposefully through the halls, finally leading them all the way outside to a spot behind the building where people usually went to smoke.

Toshiya just looked at him expectantly, some concern evident on his face.

He didn’t have to wait long as Kyo took a breath and then just started talking as if they were mid-conversation, “Right, so you probably know already and probably everyone knows; I know I’m not that great at keeping subtle with these things, but yeah. So.” He sighed. “I’m not okay.”

Toshiya didn’t act confused at all; he simply made a sympathetic face and pulled Kyo into his arms.

“I just… what’s she even _doing_ here?” Kyo muttered, choosing not to resist the hug in favor of hiding his face against Toshiya’s broad chest. “And why is she so tall?”

Toshiya rubbed a hand soothingly over Kyo’s back, just holding him close a while longer. “I don’t know. I guess… Shinya mentioned him saying he was gonna bring her to meet us.”

Kyo was grateful for how Toshiya avoided Die’s name. “I know, but I was hoping he wouldn’t actually do it.” He tried to calm himself down, to no stellar effects. “…Did you meet her?”

“Mm-hmm,” Toshiya said, his chin in Kyo’s hair.

“How did she seem?”

Toshiya made a thoughtful sound before saying, “Uninteresting.”

Kyo lifted his head and squinted at Toshiya. “Really? You’re not just saying that?”

“No, I swear,” Toshiya said with a small smile. “Like I guess she’s nice enough, but I didn’t notice her really having any _personality_.”

“Maybe that’s what he wants,” Kyo mumbled against Toshiya’s shoulder.

“Are you kidding?” Toshiya said skeptically. “He needs someone to make him laugh, to challenge him, to participate in his weird-ass pranks and shenanigans.” He squeezed Kyo tighter. “I already told you, I’m 100% rooting for you here.”

“Thanks for your support,” Kyo snorted.

Just then Kaoru came striding out of the building, a cigarette already between his lips. He regarded Kyo and Toshiya mid-embrace with calm and then raised an eyebrow. 

“Ah, young love,” he said. He lit his cigarette and pocketed the lighter. “If you two are getting together, you should tell me so we can formulate a plan for keeping it out of the press.”

Kyo gave a slightly indignant huff as he finally stepped back from Toshiya. The irony of Kaoru misreading the scene of consolation both amused him and made him more miserable.

“Kaoru’s just jealous,” Toshiya said, patting Kyo’s shoulder as they moved to go back inside.

“You’re not coupling up then?” Kaoru clarified, though his expression remained disinterested.

“No, we’re all very much alone, happy now?” Kyo said sharply.

Kaoru raised his hands defensively. “Just making sure.”

“C’mon, Kyo.” Toshiya held the door open for him. Once they were out of Kaoru’s earshot, he said, “You don’t have to talk to her. If you stick close to me, I doubt she’ll try to interrupt or anything. You’ll be all right.”

Kyo nodded, even though he didn’t feel like he would be all right at all. They returned to the rehearsal room and Heather was right where they’d left her. Kyo followed Toshiya over to where he was finishing getting his bass situated and just hovered nearby, trying not to watch Die’s girlfriend out of the corner of his eye. And where had Die gotten to, anyway?

When Toshiya finished setting up he nodded towards the couch against one wall and went to sit down on it. He got out his phone and started messing around on it, waiting for everyone else to come and get rehearsal started.

Kyo grabbed his lyric notebook out of his backpack, just to have something to look busy with, and then joined Toshiya on the couch. He sat sideways with his legs stretched over Toshiya’s knees, distracted but comfortable. Toshiya didn’t seem to even notice, and it was a testament to how much closer they’d gotten as friends that Kyo was able to sit with him like this. Anyway it felt nice just to have someone close, keeping him from spiraling.

Shinya came in, having finished his meeting with the wardrobe team (his always went smoothly) and Kyo looked up from his notebook only long enough to greet him, bowing his head a bit. He didn’t watch as Shinya crossed the room and politely but enthusiastically introduced himself to Heather, though the acoustics in the room made it hard for him to avoid hearing most of what they said—not that it was anything interesting. Toshiya seemed to be right about her lacking in the personality department.

Unfortunately though, Shinya’s introduction attracted Heather’s attention to the other band member she’d failed to meet, and when Kyo glanced up from his notebook again she was walking straight towards him. His whole body tensed as he started to panic, earning him a quick, concerned look from Toshiya. There was nowhere to run. He tried to go back to studying a couple lines in his lyrics he always got mixed up—but then she was there, stopped in front of him with her hand outstretched and that damn smile plastered on her face.

“Hey, you’ve got to be Kyo,” she said brightly, and Kyo was disappointed to discover that her Japanese was nearly perfect, her accent very natural. He shook her hand somewhat reluctantly, and then she was talking again. “I’m _so_ glad to finally meet you. Seriously, Die talks about you _all the time_.”

Somehow Kyo’s heart managed to drop down into his stomach and fly up to get lodged in his throat both at the same time. He was horrified and elated. He managed not to say, _Really? He basically never mentions you_ , instead coughing an embarrassed little cough and saying, “Oh god, does he?”

Heather laughed at that. “All good things, I promise!”

_What on earth could he have needed to tell her about me?_ Kyo wondered anxiously. _Talks about me all the time? How often is all the time??_ He wasn’t likely to get unstuck from this revelation any time soon. Die wouldn’t have divulged any of the personal things Kyo had shared with him, would he?

“Anyway,” she said, after Kyo didn’t respond. “I’m just really glad he’s in such good company. It's good to know that he has someone like you to spend so much time with, to look after him when he’s here!”

Kyo mustered up a weak smile and a nod of his head. “Nice to meet you,” he said in a small voice, and then Die was walking into the room, laughing as he held the door open for Kaoru.

He grinned widely as soon as he saw Heather talking to Kyo and came over. “Hey, you met! I was looking for you earlier, Kyo, been trying to hunt you down and introduce you since we got here!”

“Ah, well I’m here,” Kyo said awkwardly. He noticed Toshiya was discreetly watching the proceedings, even as he acted like his attention was on his phone. One of Toshiya’s hands was casually but protectively resting on Kyo’s shin, still lying across his lap. “And now we’ve met.”

Die seemed extremely pleased, but Kyo merely felt crowded with everyone looking at him. Sure, on stage he was used to large crowds all staring at him at once, but here with Die and his girlfriend so _close_ and so _tall_ , towering over him where he sat on the couch, all he could think about was whether it would be safer to shrink back into a ball, or to jump up and get out of the room. 

Luckily Kaoru was calling them over to get started and Die walked Heather back over to where she’d been reading her book. Kyo couldn’t help but watch them as Die leaned down just slightly to give her a chaste kiss before she sat down. She didn’t even have to stand on her tip toes to meet him, Kyo noted bitterly. He was still glaring across the room as she picked her book back up and smoothed out her long maxi dress; he only snapped out of it when Toshiya shoved lightly at his legs and raised his eyebrows as a pointed reminder to get up from the couch.

Today’s rehearsal consisted of running through some things they hadn’t quite gotten to the day before, and nailing a few transitions. Kyo kept his attention focused on an unused mic stand across the room as much as possible, but he still noticed that Heather wasn’t really watching them rehearse, basically at all. She alternated between reading her book and looking at her phone. Twice she got up to leave the room and take a call.

That was fine by Kyo; He couldn’t really stand to have her looking at him. But still he thought it was a bit strange. Die had said that she wasn’t “big on music,” but come on, she was dating a rock star and she wasn’t even interested in listening to his band play? Between songs, Kyo thought vaguely that he didn’t think he could ever date someone who wasn’t deeply invested in music, even just as a listener. It honestly surprised him that it wasn’t a huge deal breaker for Die.

When they were finished for the night Kyo put his equipment away quickly and marched up to Die, demanding in a low voice, “ _What did you tell her about me??_ ”

Die raised his eyebrows in surprise. “What do you mean?”

“She comes up and is all, ‘oh Die talks about you all the time,’ what on earth did you say?” Kyo said with a huff.

Die shrugged, looking kind of bashful. “I just told her that you were a very good person to talk to, with great taste in music.”

Kyo scowled. That didn’t sound like talking about him all the time, and he didn’t really believe that was all Die had said. He wanted to shake Die and insist that he be more specific. He knew he was being unreasonable but it drove him nuts to think that they’d been talking about him when he wasn’t there and he would never know exactly what was said. He crossed the room back to the couch where he’d been sitting earlier so he could snag his notebook and return it to his backpack.

Toshiya stopped him and said, “Hold out your hand.”

Kyo arched an eyebrow but did as he was told, only to have Toshiya drop a ball into his outstretched palm.

“It’s a stress ball. I think you might want to use it,” Toshiya said.

Kyo gave the ball an experimental squeeze and found it to be admittedly satisfying. “Thanks,” he said quietly. It wasn’t something he would have planned, but apparently Toshiya had really been the right person to come to when confessing this problem.

After putting his notebook away, Kyo stood there for a few minutes, clenching and unclenching his fist around the stress ball while he waited for everyone else. He wasn’t paying that much attention when Heather and Die were both standing in front of him again. 

“I’ve been working on that playlist I said I would make for you,” Die said. “I should have it ready for you tomorrow. I think there should be some things on there that you’ll really enjoy.”

“Okay,” Kyo said, not sure how else to respond, still feeling uncomfortable with Heather watching them talk.

“Die said you’ve recommended a lot of new music to him, too,” Heather said. “He’s _always_ listening to music, you know.” She laughed as though listening to music all the time was something Kyo would agree was unusual or amusing in some way. He didn’t say anything.

“Is that a new necklace?” Die asked then. “I don’t think I’ve seen you wear that one before.”

Kyo looked down to see what he was looking at. “Oh. Yeah, it is.” He felt his cheeks heating up at the idea that Die would pay enough attention to notice when he was wearing new accessories and he found himself searching desperately for a way to change the subject. Holding his hand out in front of him, he blurted out, “Do you want to squeeze this??”

Die and his girlfriend both blinked down at Kyo’s hand, and Kyo waited for the second time today for the earth to swallow him up, unable to believe what he’d let come out of his mouth.

“Um. What _is_ that?” Die asked.

Kyo opened his hand so they could see it better. “It’s a stress ball. But it, um. It’s shaped like a cat’s head. It’s satisfying to… squeeze it.” _Oh my god, stop talking_.

“Oh,” Die said. “Cool.” He tentatively took it from Kyo and gave it a squeeze before returning it.

“It’s Toshiya’s,” Kyo said.

Die nodded.

And Kyo had made it unfathomably awkward, and needed to flee.

“Well, I can’t stay, gotta get her home,” Die said then. “So we’d better get going.”

“Right, yeah,” Kyo said, tightening his grasp on the ball. He started walking towards the door with them.

“What, she’s not gonna come hang in the parking lot with us?” Kaoru asked teasingly as he saw them moving to leave.

Heather looked to Die with a raised eyebrow, and he laughed. “Not tonight. Maybe another time.

“I’m sure we’ll see her again,” Shinya said. He smiled. “It was really nice to meet you.”

Everyone else echoed the sentiment, and Kyo even tried to mutter out something similar, and then they all waved goodbye, before Die paused one last time to hug Kyo tight, and then left.

Kyo stayed where he was, hand flexing around the stress ball rhythmically, until Toshiya appeared at his shoulder. “Ready to go?”

Kyo nodded, and they didn’t talk until they were in Toshiya’s car and heading towards Kyo’s home. 

“I guess I just didn’t ever expect to have to come face to face with her,” Kyo said quietly,without any lead-in at all.

“Yeah,” Toshiya said. He paused for a moment before saying, “So um… how long have you liked Die?”

Kyo sighed. “I honestly hadn’t thought about it before you asked me before, so I partially blame you.” He smirked in Toshiya’s direction, but his expression sobered quickly as he fidgeted idly the pendant on his necklace. “But it’s more than that now,” he admitted.

“Like you have serious feelings for him?” Toshiya asked.

Kyo nodded, his jaw set. 

“I don’t know if it helps, or if it makes it worse,” Toshiya said carefully. “But I… I could see it.”

“See what?” Kyo asked, unsure if Toshiya just meant that Kyo was unwittingly obvious with his affection.

“You and Die. As a couple,” Toshiya said.

Kyo felt himself going red again.

“Like, it totally works, it’s easy to imagine. I think you’d be good together, and I think you’d be good _for_ each other.” Toshiya cast a nervous glance over at Kyo. “I don’t know if that’s something you _want_ to hear or not, but I guess it’s what I keep thinking.”

“Hm.”

“You know,” Toshiya said with a sigh. “If he’s happy then he’s happy. And if he’s not, then they’ll break up and you’ll still be around, so…” he shrugged. “At least you guys are close?”

“No, yeah,” Kyo said. “I’m glad we’re close. Honestly, I’m fine being his friend. The way things are now is good, I would never _ask_ him for more than this… It just… hurts. Seeing him with her. I wasn’t totally prepared for that. I’m glad he has her as long as they’re happy, but I just don’t need to see it. Ever.”

Toshiya nodded. “That’s fair. I don’t know how to keep you from seeing it if he brings her around again, but on the bright side we’re about to go on tour. She won’t be hanging all over him then.”

Kyo smiled a little. “True.”

Tours weren’t always something Kyo looked wholeheartedly forward to, what with the travel and the stress and the close, cramped quarters; usually he ended up getting sick somewhere on the road and spent half the tour chugging cold medicine. But he thought some time away with the bandmates with whom he’d reconnected, and with Die, free from the hovering presence of his girlfriend, definitely sounded inviting.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which maybe some people are feeling a bit sentimental and thus talk about some real things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you all! I can't believe there are still so many things in this story that haven't happened yet. Yikes. Well this chapter shouldn't be too intimidating. Enjoy!

The last rehearsal before they left on their tour was late Friday afternoon, and Kyo was more than ready for these sessions to be over so they could just get moving. As usual, he was deep in the recesses of his own mind as he walked from his stop on the train to the studio. Even after meeting Die’s girlfriend, seeing that tangible proof that he was unavailable, he couldn’t stop thinking about him, couldn’t stop his mind from circling with questions at minute details of their interactions. How many times had he listened to the song, “Origin of Love” since Die recommended it to him, despite not having really listened to it in years prior to that? He wanted to sit with Die for hours and pick apart every small thing he’d ever said or done to find some deeper meaning. Why that song? He’d pored over different translations, even taken the time to work out a translation himself, looking for a message for _him,_ specifically. He could appreciate that some of the surrealist-yet-visceral poetic imagery was appealing lyrically, and he did like stories, and he _liked_ the song, but was that all Die had been thinking when he’d told him to listen to it? He was unable to shut his brain off and get a moment of peace from all this overthinking, even if he _knew_ it was overthinking.

He found himself arriving at the studio early again (was this becoming a habit?) and when he saw the lights off in the rehearsal room, he thought he’d actually beat everyone there, until he was able to open the door without unlocking it. Pushing it open gently, he could hear the sound of an acoustic guitar playing in the darkness—the opening of “Kuukoku no Kyouon”— and he wondered for a moment if it was a recording before he made out the shape of Die, sitting with his back to him, guitar in his lap.

He smiled, and might have interrupted him, but then Die started _singing_.

Kyo’s mouth fell open and he froze, holding his breath so as to keep totally silent as Die was playing and singing _his words_. It sounded so different from how Kyo sang it. Die’s voice was warmer and broader than his own, and something about it made Kyo’s heart catch in his ribcage. He moved quietly through the murky room, finally leaning against the wall so he could watch Die play, his eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness.

Die’s hands moved fluidly over the strings, evidently unfazed by the deprivation of one of his senses. Kyo remained soundless as Die progressed through the song, seamlessly adjusting the melody to suit his range. There was a sadness in it, but there was a joy too, in the freedom of playing like this, without the bright lights or the crowd or the sensitive recording equipment. Much as they all thrived off the energy of the audience, there was something almost otherworldly in its calm about music for the sake of music. Here, Die clearly thought he was alone; he wasn’t playing to rehearse, but for himself.

On some level, Kyo almost felt guilty for bring there, imposing on this private moment. But something inside him made him think that Die wouldn’t mind, and there was no way he wanted to leave. He listened through the whole song, and only when it ended did he realize he hadn’t planned ahead enough to make his presence known gracefully. Die was standing up to put his guitar back on its stand, and Kyo started creeping back towards the door so he could look like he was just coming in, when Die chuckled softly.

“It’s all right, Kyo,” he said, freezing Kyo where he stood.

Kyo bit his lip for a moment. “I’m really sorry, I just didn’t want to interrupt.”

“It’s fine,” Die said. “You wanna get the lights?”

Kyo finished crossing the room and closed his eyes before flipping the lights on.

When he opened his eyes again Die was turned away from him, adjusting the tuning on his electric guitar. Kyo watched him, and when he was sure he wouldn’t be too distracting he asked, “So do you do this often? Come in early and play?”

“From time to time,” Die said, without looking up from what he was doing. “Why, am I not allowed to sing your lyrics?”

“What?” Kyo frowned. “That… I didn’t say anything like that at all. Of course you’re allowed to sing whatever you want.” Die still hadn’t looked at him, and Kyo felt uneasy not knowing to what extent he was joking.

After a long pause, Kyo spoke again, even though he regretted the words as soon as he said them, “It sounds good. Your singing, I mean.” Couldn’t he do anything that wasn’t awkward anymore?

Finally Die looked up and over at him where he was still hovering near the door. The faintest of genuine smiles crossed his face. “Thanks. That means something, coming from you.”

Kyo rolled his eyes dismissively. “Seriously, though. Now that you’re a singer in your own right, why exactly aren’t we utilizing that?”

“Utilizing it how?”

“Why aren’t you taking on harmonies during live shows?” Kyo asked.

“Um, because I’m not good at that kind of thing,” Die said, shaking his head.

Kyo moved closer to Die, leaning against a nearby amp. “What do you mean? The harmonies aren’t really difficult.”

“Yeah, not for _you_ ,” Die said. At Kyo’s slightly lost look, he sighed. “This is what you _do_ , Kyo. Besides, you really need someone to sing harmonies?”

Kyo tipped his head to the side and then righted it again. “No, _I_ don’t. I hear them as if they’re there already anyway, but I thought the audience might like to hear them.”

“Well, it’s kind of late in this rehearsal process for us to be adding stuff,” Die said.

“Uh-oh, what do we need to add?” Kaoru asked, a look of dread on his face as he walked into the room.

“Nothing,” Die said firmly.

Kyo was ready to argue, but he remembered that he was the one who had been out of line to begin with for creeping around and watching Die playing without his permission. If Die wasn’t interested in harmonizing with him, he couldn’t very well insist on it. He was just a little disappointed.

Kaoru looked between them a bit curiously and then shrugged and started to get stuff ready for rehearsal. “You’re both early. Unusual for you to beat me here,” he said.

“Yeah, well, don’t get used to it or anything,” Kyo said. He stretched, and then went to get a water bottle out of his backpack and start on some vocal warmups.

The rest of the band showed up not long after that, and Toshiya joined Kyo as he went to get a hot drink out of the vending machine, leaving Shinya to take pictures for his social media.

“Any new development?” Toshiya asked once they were out in the hall.

“No, except I think I pissed him off as soon as I got here,” Kyo said.

“How’s that?”

Kyo shook his head. “I don’t know, he was just saying something weird about being ‘allowed’ to sing my lyrics or some shit; I honestly don’t know what he was even saying.”

“Hmm,” Toshiya said. They reached the vending machine, and he looked at his options, choosing a coffee. “You know he really respects you as a vocalist.”

Kyo shrugged. “He’s really good himself.” He put his coins into the machine and selected a tea. “I was trying to tell him that, but I feel like he got bent out of shape. Am I stuck-up?”

Toshiya made a face. “I wouldn’t say stuck-up…”

Kyo picked up his drink when it came out and then looked at Toshiya. “What would you say?”

“You’re just intense about stuff sometimes,” Toshiya said. “And you kind of forget that you’re not, like… normal?”

Kyo raised an eyebrow. “Not normal?”

“Like you’re the way you are, so you’re used to it,” Toshiya reasoned. “But other people have to work really, really hard to do shit that you do every day. Your range, the way you pour yourself out onstage like 300%… Those aren’t things everyone can do.”

Kyo scoffed a little and leaned against the machine, taking a sip of his drink.

“See, and you have that attitude,” Toshiya said. “In a way it’s just you being humble; I know you don’t see yourself as a big deal, but in another way, it _could_ come off like you don’t recognize the work someone else is doing, because you don’t think it _should_ be a lot of work, because it’s _not_ a lot of work for _you._ Do you get what I’m saying?” Toshiya looked nervous, like he was afraid of Kyo getting offended.

Kyo thought about how Die had responded earlier when Kyo had said the harmonies weren’t difficult. Maybe it was unfair of him to hold other people to the same expectations he had for himself after being a vocalist for over twenty years. “I think I get what you’re saying,” he said. He twisted up his mouth to one side. “I just don’t know how to… think differently.”

“You don’t have to change who you are,” Toshiya said. “Just try to remember when you’re talking about someone else’s skill set it’s not exactly the same as yours. And when someone tries to compliment your abilities, take it respectfully.”

“I just can’t stand someone complimenting me for something when I know it wasn’t impressive, or wasn’t even my best work,” Kyo said, wrinkling his nose.

“You’re a much harsher critic of yourself than anyone else is,” Toshiya said with a sigh, and Kyo was struck by how _tired_ he looked.

Kyo suddenly felt bad that Toshiya was here taking care of him like this and he didn’t bother to ask much about Toshiya’s personal life at all. He let the concern show on his face. “How are you doing?” he asked in what he hoped was a neutral voice.

“I’m fine,” Toshiya said, pushing back his hair some.

Kyo squinted at him. “Right, I’m calling bullshit on that one. You look exhausted.”

“You’re not supposed to say that,” Toshiya said. “Besides, that’s what the coffee’s for.”

“Not sure coffee’s gonna do the trick,” Kyo said. “Seriously, we’re not even on tour yet, what’s going on?”

Toshiya sighed again. “It’s nothing, just my ex… She moved across the country so we broke up, and now she’s been messaging me—she wants to get back together, she wants to move back here to be with me, that kind of thing.” He shook his head. “I’m not really interested in getting back with her. I really liked her, but she made it clear that our relationship wasn’t high on her list of priorities and I don’t want to get back into that. She said she was gonna call me tonight so we could talk about it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about any of this sooner?” Kyo asked, frowning.

“You didn’t tell me about Die either,” Toshiya pointed out.

“Still,” Kyo said. “I feel like I’ve neglected you, when you listen to my goings-on all the time. You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

Toshiya gave him a dubious look. “Kyo, I know you don’t really feel that way. It’s hard for you to talk to people about things, and I get that. It’s fine. You don’t have to pretend you want to hear about my life.”

“But I _want_ to be a better friend to you, to all of you guys. I know I’m not great at it and that I’m awkward as hell, but I can be a good listener. I’ve been told I give good advice,” Kyo said, frustration tightening his muscles as he pushed away from the vending machine and started vaguely walking down the hall back towards the rehearsal room.

“By whom?” Toshiya snorted.

“Multiple people! Just, let me know if there’s anything I can do,” Kyo said.

“Okay, okay,” Toshiya said as they reached the door and Kyo held it open. “Thank you. I’ll keep it in mind, okay?”

Kyo nodded and they went in.

This final rehearsal was really more of a formality than anything. They ran through things and Kaoru was, as always, nitpicky about a couple of solos, but they got through everything cheerfully, and the band was laughing by the end of the evening, a combination of exhaustion and excitement for the tour to come. Even after all the tours they’d done, there was an unshakeable thrill that came with getting back on the road and giving themselves to audiences across the country night after night.

Kaoru announced he was going out drinking and invited everyone to join him. Kyo looked hesitantly to Toshiya, but the bassist shook his head. 

“I’ve got to get home. That phone call with my ex awaits, remember?” Toshiya said. “I can still give you a ride, if you want to go home.”

Kyo nodded. “Thanks, I appreciate it.”

Toshiya went over and talked to Kaoru, apologizing for not being able to go out, and Kyo said goodnight to Shinya, thanking him for keeping the band in order and being, as always, the most trustworthy drummer he’d ever worked with.

“Where’s this coming from?” Shinya asked.

Kyo shrugged. “We’re about to go on tour, and it’s come to my attention that I don’t always say things to show that I’m acknowledging how hard other people are working. So. I know I make mistakes a lot, but you’re always on top of it, and I never worry about being up onstage with you.” He gave a little bow and thanked Shinya again for his consistent hard work.

Shinya smiled and returned the bow, thanking Kyo as well. “You’re sure you won’t come out with us? You seemed like you got pretty into the margaritas the other night; I bet we could find something for you at a bar.”

“Nah, if you recall, the appeal of drinking at your house was the privacy,” Kyo said, although it wasn’t the whole truth. Besides, even Shinya’s margaritas hadn’t been something he’d particularly enjoyed. “Maybe while we’re on tour I’ll go out with you guys sometime.”

“That would be nice!” Shinya said. He said goodnight then and went to finish gathering his things so he could leave with Kaoru.

Die was waiting for Kyo when he got back to his backpack. “Hand over your phone,” he said.

“Why would I do that?” Kyo asked warily.

“So I can sync that playlist I made you directly from the app,” Die said, gesturing impatiently with his outstretched hand.

Kyo bypassed the lock screen on his phone and passed it over. He busied himself with drinking some water and then returning the bottle to his backpack. He was pulling on his jacket when Die finally gave the phone back.

“I think some of it you might have heard before, but some of it should be new, too,” Die said.

“Any over-arching theme to be aware of?” Kyo asked. Tempted as he was to examine the playlist right then and there, he just slid the phone back into his pants pocket to deal with later.

Die pursed his lips, considering. “Mostly just stuff that reminded me of you in one way or another,” Die said. “Some random shit.”

“Sounds good, I look forward to listening to it on tour,” Kyo said, with a light laugh.

“It’s gonna be a good tour,” Die said, grinning. “I feel really good about it.”

“Yeah, the band sounds great,” Kyo agreed.

“And _you_ …” Die said, shaking his head. He reached out and took Kyo’s arm, pulling him towards him just a little.

Kyo kept in the gasp that almost escaped him, tried to look nonchalant as he swallowed and said, “And me?”

Die let out an irritated kind of sigh. “C’mon, you know you're amazing, right?” He had both hands on Kyo’s shoulders now, just resting gently. “I was gonna save this stuff for sometime when I was drunk and could get away with being sentimental, but I guess now’s as good a time as any.”

Die wasn’t looking right at Kyo, and Kyo took advantage of that fact, his eyes flitting over Die’s perfect face, trying to read any signs of insincerity in whatever he was about to say.

“It’s not always easy for me to get close to people,” Die said, after a deep breath. “I think part of me always worries that if I open up and trust someone, I’m going to end up alone again, like I did in junior high. So I end up with these superficial relationships with everyone and never get past that, and I just… Thank you.” He met Kyo’s eyes finally, serious but still soft. “Thank you for being my friend. You…” He smiled and looked off, shaking his head again. “You’re incredible. You’re one of the most talented people I know, your passion and your energy and the way you’re alive onstage…”

Kyo squirmed slightly at that. Much as he wanted to remember what Toshiya had said about accepting compliments, the pressure of the moment was a bit much and he wrinkled his nose, saying, “Ehhhh…”

“You’re amazing, you _are_ , and you know it!”

Kyo wriggled out of Die’s hold on him, making more noncommittal noises.

“And if you don’t know it, that’s… _blasphemous_ ,” Die said.

Kyo laughed then, eyebrows shooting up. “Blasphemous? What, because it goes against what you’re saying? Doesn’t that mean you have some kind of god complex, Die?”

Die laughed too. “Shut up, you know what I’m saying!”

Kyo shook his head, still laughing. He settled and shrugged. “I’m just making music. Trying to express things.”

“I know you are.”

Kyo grasped for eye contact again, tried to let some of his deeper affection out into the gaze without voicing it. “Thank you. And thank you, for being my friend, too. Really.”

For the longest, briefest moment they just looked at each other, and then Die smiled with just half his mouth before looking away. “I’d better go catch up; I believe I am expected to do some drinking tonight.”

Kyo nodded. “Take care, O Holy One,” he said with a smirk and an exaggerated bow.

“Shut the fuck up,” Die laughed, shoving at him a bit. He pulled Kyo in for a hug so perfect that Kyo honestly thought he’d have been fine dying tight in Die’s arms just like that. Then he stepped back, called a goodnight to Toshiya, and headed out, his coat tucked under his arm, bag over his shoulder.

Kyo stood there slightly stunned after Die left, his body almost trembling despite the warmth radiating out all the way to his fingertips. Only when Toshiya nudged him and asked if he was ready to leave did he fully snap back to reality and finish getting everything shoved into his backpack. Once the tour started, he could be around Die all the time, onstage and off, and he thought distantly to himself that he’d never been so ready to get on the bus.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which tour begins--but it's not quite how Kyo imagined it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, y'all know the kind of thing I might say here. Thanks for reading, don't hesitate to talk to me and I love you all!

Unsurprisingly, the tour bus was not the paradise Kyo had built it up to be. Kyo was sitting curled up in a chair towards the front, his sketchbook open in front of him, listening to the playlist Die had made for him for the fourth time through already, but there was nothing making its way onto the page. He glanced yet again towards the back of the bus, where Die was still hidden away in his bunk, and frowned.

As soon as they’d all filed onto the bus Die had mumbled something about being tired and disappeared into his bunk without so much as a greeting. Kyo couldn’t very well hold that against him, knowing how many times his own exhaustion had led him to behave in the exact same way, and yet coming from Die it felt like a far more significant slight. He looked back down at his blank page and finally closed the sketchbook with a tormented sigh and put it aside. The playlist reached the end again (a soothing but powerful instrumental piece being the last track) and he exited the app, taking off his headphones and winding up the cord.

He pushed himself up to get some coffee, and was lost so deep in thought that he didn’t hear Toshiya coming down the aisle towards him until he was gently tapping his shoulder.

“Shit, you scared me!” Kyo said, nearly dropping the coffee pot in his hand.

“Sorry, I thought you’d hear me saying your name,” Toshiya said. “Your mind elsewhere?”

“I guess so,” Kyo admitted. He looked past Toshiya to the back of the bus again.

Toshiya frowned. “He’s not still upset about whatever it was from the other day?”

“I don’t think so,” Kyo said. He dropped his voice lower. “Not that I would know since he hasn’t said two words to me since we got on the bus.”

“Really?” Toshiya said. “I just talked to him on the way to the bathroom and he seemed fine.”

“He talked to you?” Kyo asked, honestly surprised to hear it.

“Sure, he’s been acting… pretty normal, I thought,” Toshiya said. “But last night he did say he was tired, so maybe that’s all it is.”

“You talked to him last night, too?”

Toshiya looked a little uncomfortable. “He really hasn’t been talking to you?”

Kyo shook his head. “Did he mention any... Did I do something?”

“Not that I know of,” Toshiya said. “It’s probably just, you know, starting the tour and everything. I wouldn’t take it personally.”

Kyo let out a soft but derisive snort. “Right, ‘cause I have so much control over that.”

 

Nevertheless, Kyo did his best to give Die some kind of benefit of the doubt, and as they got to their first venue a couple hours later, he started to believe he had really been worrying for nothing.

Coming into the dressing room, he found Die actively engaged in some conversation with the rest of the group. Everyone was laughing, apparently at Shinya’s expense, and Kyo felt a wave of relief wash over him as he joined in. Die was in his element, clearly at home embarrassing the drummer. Shinya, for his part, was so used to it he couldn’t even be bothered to blush, instead just rolling his eyes and plugging in his flat iron to warm up. Kyo felt like these moments were something he took for granted, and he wanted to notice them more, remember laughing with his bandmates, his _friends._ Too many times, he let his thoughts get away from him and couldn’t remember the small things that made it all worthwhile. He needed to work on that.

For now, he put aside his constantly nagging worries always at the back of his mind and went through all the steps preparing him for performance. When the others went out for their soundcheck and a quick run-through of some sections Kaoru insisted needed a once-over, Kyo settled into himself for a minute. Closing his eyes and steadying his breathing, he swept any thoughts, positive or negative out of his head, and let himself get into the mindset he’d need for the live later in the day.

Once he was in the right mode, he went through most of the rest of the day on auto-pilot. He warmed up his voice and did his hair and makeup, he sat around and listened to the other band members and staff talk amongst themselves. But he didn’t feel like an outsider the way he did sometimes. Instead he felt like he was part of the world—he was just currently a quiet part of it, and that suited him fine. When it was finally time for the live to start, he allowed himself half a smile as he listened to the crowd from backstage. 

All the bonding they had done as a group had had a positive impact on their work musically. They were tighter than usual, and Kyo couldn’t have been happier to fully invest himself in each and every moment they were onstage. He moved around a lot, Die’s voice still in his head, implying that he didn’t give enough attention to the band during performance. Maybe it was true that he got pretty lost in the music, but he was determined to not let anyone feel like they were being ignored, and for this reason he made sure to interact with each of his bandmates at least somewhere during the show, doing his best to keep all such interactions equal, and not favor anyone. He wasn’t trying to complicate their lives with rumors and speculation from the fans; he just wanted to recognize everyone and acknowledge that this was music they were making _together_. Maybe he was getting sentimental in his old age.

He allowed his good mood to show once they came back out for the encore. He smiled and laughed, not trying to hide any of it from the audience as he nearly skipped around the stage. Whenever he made eye contact with Die, the guitarist would start laughing too, and by the end of the night Kyo felt exhausted and drained, but not by the emotions he was used to. He didn’t have anything to throw out to the audience so he threw kisses until Toshiya laughed at him and pressed a few spare picks into his hand. He tossed those out too and then waved happily to the crowd and walked off the stage with high hopes for the rest of the tour.

 

When he got back to the dressing room after his shower, Kyo was unsurprised to find the rest of the band looking at him.

“There he is!” Toshiya said.

“Hurry up and get your things, Kyo,” Shinya said. “We’re going out to celebrate and you’re coming with us.”

Kyo had been expecting as much. The first show of the tour, the after-party was pretty much mandatory and he rarely managed to weasel his way out of them. Tonight he was in high enough spirits that he didn’t think he’d mind going and spending some time with everyone, and he nodded as he went about shoving clothes and makeup into his bag and cleaning up the area of the counter he’d been using. 

Half an hour later they were gathered in a sectioned-off area of some small, nearby club, band and staff alike, not to mention a few people who’d apparently been invited who Kyo didn’t even know. Kaoru gave a little speech, thanking everyone for their hard work, pumping them up for the shows to come, and everyone drank to it and then dispersed into clusters and conversations.

Kyo headed straight for Die, his mind already working to come up with something to get him talking, but as he approached Die was chattering animatedly, in the middle of telling some anecdote to one of the strangers there. Intimidated, Kyo backed away, retreating to the sidelines as he typically did in these situations, to watch the party. Shinya came to join him after a few minutes.

“Why don’t you get something to drink?” Shinya asked.

Kyo held up his still mostly-full glass of champagne. “I’m good, thanks.”

“How long have you been working on that?”

“Since they gave it to me,” Kyo said with a shrug.

“You don’t _have_ to drink it, you know,” Shinya said.

“I know, but… they gave it to me,” Kyo said. “I don’t want to be impolite. I’ll finish it eventually.”

“Eventually, right.” Shinya rolled his eyes. “I’m always glad when you come to spend time with us, but as soon as you’re here I remember why you don’t usually.”

“I can’t tell if that’s an insult,” Kyo said. 

“Not an insult,” Shinya said. “It’s just obvious that this isn’t your scene at all. Would you have just stood over here by yourself the whole night if I hadn’t come to talk to you?”

Kyo shrugged again and took a sip of his champagne, fighting the grimace that went with it. “Maybe not the whole night. I don’t mind observing though.”

“Well, then you can enjoy observing some more,” Shinya said. “I’m going back in.” And with that he took off, heading over towards where Kaoru and Kuroo were chatting.

Kyo smiled a little sadly as he watched him go. He’d always thought that Shinya understood him better than most people, and that they had a lot in common in that they were both more quiet and introverted, didn’t feel comfortable in large, required social situations. But Shinya was clearly much more adept at this kind of thing than he was. He turned it on like a skill, moving between people with a kind of quiet grace. He kept to himself without being rude and included himself in discussions without being awkward and Kyo both respected and envied him for it.

The moment he saw Die moving away from the people he’d been talking with, Kyo leapt into action. He met up with him as he was reaching the bar and ordering himself a beer. 

“Hey!” Kyo said smiling. He left his glass on the bar, having finally finished off the champagne. 

Die grinned back at him. “Hey yourself. Good to see you out tonight.”

“Yeah,” Kyo said. He huffed out a laugh. “I dunno, I think Shinya was suggesting maybe I shouldn’t have come; I guess I’m not that much fun at parties.”

“Are you enjoying yourself?” Die asked, taking a swig of his beer.

Kyo paused. _Enjoying himself_ certainly wasn’t how he’d put it, and yet he was happier to be here with Die than he would have been back on the bus by himself. “Well, it’s… not really my scene,” he hedged.

“Then maybe he’s right,” Die said casually, and he took off to talk to a couple staff members, leaving Kyo a bit stunned.

There hadn’t been any malice in it, and it wasn’t an unfair thing to say, given what Kyo had told him, but it had seemed… cold. At least when he’d talked to Shinya, the drummer had said he _wanted_ Kyo to come to things like this. The way Die said it, it seemed like he didn’t, or that he really couldn’t give a damn either way, and Kyo didn’t like that at all. He wanted Die to want him around. The thought that he might not hurt more than Kyo was really prepared for. 

Kyo ordered a ginger ale from the bar and went to sit at a table off to the side. He settled in to discreetly watch Die as he wove his way between groups and drank and laughed and drank some more. He was sure Die had seen him sitting there, and felt only more wounded as the night went on and Die never made any move to come over and talk with him. Instead Toshiya came and plopped himself down at Kyo’s table.

“You doin’ okay?” Toshiya asked, following Kyo’s gaze to where Die was trying somewhat unsuccessfully to carry out a phone call, leaning against a table across the room. 

“Yeah, sure, I’m fine,” Kyo said unconvincingly.

Toshiya frowned at him. “Just being here, or something happened?”

Kyo sighed, hating that every talk he had with Toshiya seemed to be shaped like this now. “It’s just the same shit, I think. Something’s _off_ , like he’s blowing me off, but I don’t know what I did to trigger it, which just means I’m sitting here analyzing everything I’ve done in the past two days that might have gotten him pissed at me.”

“Did he say he was pissed at you?” Toshiya asked.

“No, he’s hardly talked to me at all!” Kyo said, his voice a little higher in pitch than he meant for it to be. “It’s this kind of passive-aggressive… avoidance thing.”

“Maybe it’s nothing,” Toshiya said. “I mean, it’s a party, there are a lot of people for him to talk to, and he’s drinking ‘cause he’s Die. Maybe he’s just honestly distracted.”

“Of course, that’s totally possible,” Kyo agreed. “I’d just gotten used to talking to him every day, and seeing him and _not_ talking to him feels… weird. Feels more personal than it probably is. I don’t know, I’m just talking, I’m tired.” He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair.

“Yeah, I get it,” Toshiya said. “But we just had a great live, so I hate to see you letting this get you down. We’re just starting what’s gonna be a terrific tour, and we’re literally here to be celebrating, and you’re over here moping with your lemonade.”

“Ginger ale,” Kyo muttered, fully aware that it didn’t matter.

Toshiya gave him a look. “Come on. Get up, get up, you’re coming to hang out with me the rest of the night.” He dragged Kyo away from the table and brought him over as he went to talk with some people Kyo didn’t know as well.

The rest of the party was tolerable. Toshiya was a good person to tag along with; he didn’t pressure Kyo to do a lot of talking, but never made him feel excluded either, and Kyo just got to feel like a person, chuckling politely at things that other people said.

Finally things started to wind down and everyone was gathering up jackets and scarves and anything else they’d brought with them so they could head back to the bus.

“Kyo, I hardly saw you the whole night,” Kaoru said as he came over to where Kyo was standing with Toshiya, buttoning up his coat. “I hope that means you were making rounds and having a good time, not that you were walled off in a corner alone somewhere, wishing you were asleep on the bus.”

“Hah. Well, a little of both,” Kyo said. He pulled some gloves out of his pocket and looked down, wondering if he’d need them.

“As long as you weren’t totally miserable,” Kaoru said. He clapped him on the back and smiled. “It’s nice to have you here. I hope you’ll come out again and we can actually spend the time together.”

“I probably will,” Kyo said. “Maybe I’ll do better with something even less organized than this.”

“Yeah I could see how casual might be more your style,” Kaoru said.

Kyo nodded, but he wasn’t really listening. He could see Die moving around the room, hugging people goodnight. He’d just parted with Shinya and was heading towards them.

“Die!” Kaoru said as he got closer. “You were brilliant tonight, as usual.” Die pulled him in for a tight hug.

“Thank you, thank you, you weren’t half-bad yourself,” Die said with a laugh. He turned to hug Toshiya for a long moment and Kyo started to emotionally prepare himself for his hug.

“Although, you know,” Kaoru said, “I think you and I as a unit could have been tighter in the solo on—”

“I _knew_ you were gonna say that,” Die said. As he spoke he threw one arm around Kyo in a kind of half-assed hug, though he was still looking at Kaoru, “As soon as we finished, I was like, ‘oh man, Kaoru’s gonna have something to say about this, I can already tell.’ Glad I know you so well.”

Kyo was startled by the inattentive hug, especially when Die didn’t even look at him as he pulled away. _What the hell was that?_ It wasn’t anything like how he’d hugged the others, or how he had hugged Kyo any other night and, of course Kyo was overthinking it, he was always overthinking everything, but no, he wasn’t imagining that, right?

Kaoru walked off with Die, the two of them still bickering over the timing in whatever solo it was—Kyo wasn’t sure, since Die had seemed to know which one Kaoru meant without him saying it—and Toshiya stayed standing with Kyo, looking at him slightly shocked.

Kyo turned to Toshiya as they started walking after the others, out of the club and back towards the bus. “I—You saw that, right?” Kyo said.

“I did,” Toshiya said.

“I wasn’t imagining it? That was weird, or am I wrong?”

“No, that was definitely…” Toshiya’s brow was furrowed. “That was definitely weird. I don’t know what that was.”

“That’s what I’m talking about though!” Kyo said, trying to keep his volume low. “He’s been kind of weird like that since yesterday. I thought maybe it was better before the show when he seemed like he was getting along with everyone, but—” He swallowed, a ripple of fear going through him as realization dawned. “It’s me. It’s just _me_.”

Toshiya opened his mouth to say something consoling, but he couldn’t argue with what seemed to be the truth and just closed it again, biting his lip.

“I fucked up,” Kyo said, his stomach twisting. “I don’t even know what I _did_ , and now I’ve fucked it all up. Shit.”

“Hey, calm down,” Toshiya said. “I don’t know what’s going on with Die, but even if something _is_ going on, that doesn’t mean it’s your fault. I never saw you do anything to invite that kind of coldness. We’ll find out what’s happening, but you can’t beat yourself up over it yet, okay?” He looked Kyo in the eyes, waiting for him to answer.

After a long while, Kyo just nodded. “Right. You’re right.” He wet his lips and nodded again, and then they were getting to the bus and he said goodnight before retiring, filled with uneasiness.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kyo is confused, and has a few necessary conversations with people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, sorry this was later than I meant it to be. This chapter is a few little snippets and kind of a lot of just talking, so hmm. Let's see if we get any closer to understanding some things!

Over the next two weeks, tour continued, and Die’s attitude towards Kyo did not return to normal. It wasn’t like he was being cruel or picking fights that Kyo could participate in, but he was distant. If he bothered to hug everyone goodnight at all, his hug for Kyo would feel obligatory and brief. Most of the time Die found reasons to be away from the rest of the group, but no one else seemed to be getting the silent treatment in the way that Kyo was. He watched Die’s interactions with everyone else carefully enough to know. 

Kyo had imagined that once the tour started they would carry on their late-night talks, just on the bus rather than in the parking lot. Instead, Die wasn’t talking to him at all. The most conversation they had was when Kyo would send him a text. As long as it was a direct question, Die tended to respond, but he never left room for any back-and-forth, and it unsettled Kyo too much for him to push.

But still he couldn’t find any _reason_ for Die to be acting like this. He would replay moments in his mind over and over, the affectionate things Die had said the night of their last rehearsal, the conversation in Die’s car, anytime where he could have somehow said the wrong thing without noticing—but he couldn’t figure out just where he’d gone wrong.

The lives were still going well, and when Kyo was onstage he did his best to forget everything else that was going on that troubled him. Once or twice, he’d spent too long looking over at Die, and gotten nothing back, causing him to lose his rhythm; he’d had to turn and make eye contact with Shinya in order to get his timing back, and could only hope the drummer didn’t notice what made him lose it in the first place. Through it all he did his best to keep up the friendly onstage interactions he’d had going with the rest of the band, but he hated how forced and mechanical it started to feel when that was the only time Die would smile at him in a day, and he toned it down. Then one night, when he went to throw his arm around Die as he was singing, the guitarist actually moved out of the way, coming downstage to play to the crowd instead, leaving Kyo standing there feeling like an idiot, almost blanking on his lyrics. After that, the rest of the live for Kyo was fueled by a kind of self-destructive rage, wherein he screamed more than he sang, and his throat was on fire by the time he got offstage.

After showering, watching makeup-darkened water run over his body and down the drain, Kyo gathered his things from the dressing room quickly and went back to the bus. He settled in at the table with some pain pills and a cup of hot tea, his sketchbook open in front of him. He’d just gotten his headphones on and (somewhat masochistically) started Die’s playlist on his phone once again when Kaoru sat down across from him, his brow creased with worry.

Kyo bit back a sigh and took his headphones off again, getting the distinct feeling he was about to be lectured.

“What was that out there?” Kaoru asked, his tone gentler than Kyo had expected.

Kyo shrugged. “Just got a little carried away.”

“Is it going to keep happening?” Kaoru looked from the tea to Kyo’s face, and down to the blank page of his sketchbook.

Even though nothing was drawn there, Kyo felt a protective urge to cover it, and shifted his arm to rest over the page. “Relax. I know we have more than half the tour to get through still, I’m not going to completely blow out my voice and wreck our performances.”

The crease between Kaoru’s brows grew more pronounced as he said, “That’s not—Kyo. It’s not about the tour. I’m worried about _you_.” 

Kyo huffed a little. Great, so it was _this_ kind of lecture; one about his potential self-implosion rather than a band-related scolding. He wasn’t sure which he disliked more.

“Do you think any of us have trouble remembering other times when you got ‘carried away’ onstage? I’m not trying to attack you here,” Kaoru said, pushing his hair back from his face. “I just want to remind you that we all have your back. We worry about you, and you don’t… have to take it that far. You don’t have to get so lost in it that it hurts you more than it heals.”

That wasn’t really the issue in this case, but Kyo knew Kaoru was right at the same time. He couldn’t let this stuff get to him like this, bleeding areas of his life together so painfully. And it was, in a way, kind of sweet of Kaoru to come talk to him at the first sign of trouble. Maybe his bandmates really were looking out for him. Slowly, he nodded. “Got it. Thanks.”

Kaoru tilted his head, looking at him a moment longer and then stood up. “I think the others are waiting for me,” he said, looking out the window. “Please take care of yourself? Or try?”

Kyo offered him a small smile at that. “I will. Go, drink. Goodnight, Kaoru.”

Kaoru headed off the bus then, giving Kyo’s shoulder a final awkward pat as he walked past.

Kyo sat in silence for a while before putting his headphones back on and restarting his music. This whole thing had him so frustrated and confused. None of it mattered as far as _wanting_ Die, or hating his girlfriend, or any of it—he just wanted his _friend_ back. They’d gotten so close and getting the cold shoulder like this, now even in front of an audience? It wasn’t something he could just sit by and let continue.

He twirled his pencil between his fingers for a minute before setting it to the page and finally starting to sketch. His mind wasn’t really on it, but a pattern started to emerge that he liked, something in it clearly rooted in the music he was hearing, but another part of it beckoning from the path ahead of him, reminding him he was in control of whatever fate would be his.

The playlist finished and he didn’t move to put on anything else, instead just leaning his chin on his free hand as he continued to sketch, gradually filling the page with interlacing pieces that were the very shape of his own mind at the moment. He would have to confront Die when he got a chance. He couldn’t have whatever issue Die was having with him start affecting them professionally. And besides, if he had really done something to hurt or offend Die and cause this behavior, he wanted to know what it was.

As if Kyo’s thoughts summoned the rhythm guitarist, the door to the bus was suddenly opening and Die entered, surprisingly alone. Kyo wasn’t one to turn down the convenient opportunity to speak to him, and blurted out a, “Hey!” just as Die was walking past him.

Die turned and looked, a bit startled. “Kyo. Hey, I didn’t even see you. What’s up?”

Kyo fought the urge to make some snarky comment about how Die hadn’t seen him for the past couple weeks either, or that he would _know_ what was up if he ever bothered to speak to him. He took a deep breath and settled on, “Not much.” He tried to muster up a smile, but it was only half-formed. “What about you? You’re back early.”

“Yeah, just tired. Didn’t feel like I was great company so I headed back.” Die leaned against the bench opposite Kyo, but didn’t sit down.

“Mm.” Kyo nodded, and took off his headphones that hadn’t been playing music for a while now anyway. Setting them down on the table he cleared his throat a little, still feeling the sting from his ill use of it earlier in the evening. “Hey, um, Die, I wanted to ask you… Did I do something?”

“Do something?” Die repeated, cocking his head to one side.

“To upset you, or… make you mad at me?” 

“No, nothing,” Die said. He looked kind of confused, and Kyo was torn between wanting to laugh and wanting to scream.

“Really? ‘Cause I feel like you’ve been… avoiding me,” Kyo said. It was putting it lightly, but he didn’t want to get too wild with the accusations.

“Not intentionally!” Die said. “I haven’t noticed.”

Kyo stared at him. _Haven’t noticed??_ Maybe that would be worse, if Kyo believed him for a second, which honestly, he didn’t. “You’ve barely talked to me in the past two weeks,” Kyo pointed out.

“I’ve just been tired, I guess,” Die said, straightening up. “Tour does that, you know?”

“…Right,” Kyo said, narrowing his eyes slightly. He could see that it wasn’t going to get him far to argue this with Die right now, even though he could easily point out that Die hadn’t been avoiding any of their other bandmates this way, or that it was even happening onstage. Some nagging voice in the back of Kyo’s mind asked whether he wasn’t really just being paranoid, but _no_ , Kyo was _sure_ that this was not a regular way for Die to be acting, and Toshiya had seen it, too! It was undeniable, and yet…. Here Die was, literally denying it.

“Speaking of which, I’m gonna turn in now,” Die said, backing slowly towards the bunks.

“Sure, yeah,” Kyo sighed. He’d long given up the prospect of a warm and comforting goodnight hug, even though there had been that brief and lovely period where it was standard. And he’d never even been one to _like_ hugs before Die. He gave a little wave, muttered, “G’night,” and turned back to his sketchbook, refusing to watch Die walk away from him yet again.

 

* * *

 

 

It was clear in the next few days that Die was really making a conscious effort to at least be less _obvious_ about how he was avoiding Kyo. It was so blatantly forced that it made Kyo kind of uncomfortable, the way Die would slap one of those plastic smiles on his face when he walked in the room, or how he would repeat something Kyo had just said and try to tack a joke onto the end of it as if they were joking around _together_. They weren’t really joking around together though, because even if he wasn’t straight-up ignoring him anymore, Die still wasn’t _talking_ to Kyo, wasn’t anything that could be considered “friendly” with him. Kyo lived with that loss making his very bones ache on a daily basis, but he was determined after that one slip-up in concert to not let it interfere with his life on a professional level.

He took things a little easier on his voice and he relied a bit more on Toshiya for onstage interactions, which worked out well; Toshiya never minded romping down for a little more time front and center. The fans enjoyed their dynamic too, so it was a good deal for everyone. 

 

Kyo walked towards the front of the bus from back where he’d been digging in his luggage for the book he’d brought along to read, ready to settle in on the couch for another post-live night alone while everyone else went out drinking—only to find Toshiya already lounging on the couch, looking cozy in a hoodie and sweatpants. Kyo raised an eyebrow in surprise, but couldn’t say he was displeased to find him there.

Toshiya looked up from his phone as Kyo approached and smiled. “Oh, good, you came back out! I was worried you’d already headed to bed and I was gonna have a lonely evening.”

“You didn’t want to go out?” Kyo asked. He stopped at the mini fridge to grab a bottle of water for himself and offered one to Toshiya as well.

Toshiya turned down the water and gave a little shrug. “I have kind of a lot on my mind I guess. Not feeling like being in the midst of that chaos.”

Kyo almost laughed at that. “Not wanting to be in the midst of chaos is pretty unfortunate in the middle of a tour.”

“ _That_ chaos, I specified,” Toshiya said. “It’s a whole different chaos, and don’t act like you don’t know it.”

“Fair enough,” Kyo said. He left his book on the counter and sat down on the couch, his back against the arm rest so he was turned towards Toshiya. “And what’s on your mind?”

“Nothing new,” Toshiya said. “Well, maybe something new, but I hope not.”

Kyo blinked at him expectantly and Toshiya sighed.

“Okay, fine, so I told you before about my ex, how she wanted to get back together.”

“Right,” Kyo said.

“She texted me saying she’s going to be coming to one of our shows because she’s so _desperate_ to see me.” Toshiya frowned, and shifted on the couch, curling up so he could face Kyo more fully. “But I already told her I didn’t want to see her, and I don’t want to get back together. I’m just kind of weak to her, and I’m afraid if I _see_ her, in person… I won’t be able to tell her no.”

Kyo nodded thoughtfully. “Do you know which show she’s supposed to come to?”

Toshiya shook his head. “She hasn’t said, which means I’m just in this constant state of anxiety, knowing she could be out in the crowd.”

“Well what does she look like?” Kyo asked.

“What? Why?”

“So I could recognize her, obviously,” Kyo said. “Then if I see her in the audience I can make eye contact and just turn it on.” He offered Toshiya a smug look.

It was not returned. Toshiya looked slightly horrified instead as he said, “Turn _what_ on??”

The smugness fell away, replaced by self-conscious uncertainty. “The, you know, the _scary_ factor… or, whatever it is. I’m intimidating,” Kyo said softly, bringing a sense of irony to the words he was speaking.

“Kyo. Dude. No,” Toshiya shook his head again, his eyes still wide. “I mean, you can be intimidating, yes, but if you’re making eye contact with someone while you’re up onstage doing your thing… the ‘scary factor’ is not what’s going to end up turned on.”

Kyo made a face. “Oh.”

Toshiya started laughing, hard. 

“I was just trying to think of a way to help,” Kyo said defensively. “Thought maybe I could scare her away, get her to stop bothering you!”

“I know, I appreciate that,” Toshiya said between giggles. “That’s just… not the way to go about it at all. Wow. Cheered me up to think about it though.”

Kyo smiled with just one corner of his mouth. “Can we pretend that was my intent all along?”

“I never doubted that it was,” Toshiya said.

Kyo took a drink from his water bottle, Toshiya just watching him for a minute before nudging him gently with his foot.

“What about you then? Die’s been better,” Toshiya said hopefully.

Kyo rolled his eyes. “I guess.”

“Not better?”

“Kind of better,” Kyo admitted. “Better in that he’s not completely ignoring me, or walking out of rooms when I enter them or something. But I talked to him, you know.”

“Talking to him is good!” Toshiya said.

“No, not talked to him in a good way, I just mean I confronted him about how he’s acting like some fuckin’ zombie around me,” Kyo said. 

“And what did he say?” Toshiya leaned his head sideways against the back of the couch.

“He said he hadn’t noticed he was acting weird, and that it was nothing at all.”

Toshiya’s brows lowered quickly. “Um. Well that’s obviously bullshit.”

“I’m aware,” Kyo said.

“Did he seriously try to play it off like he’s been normal?” Toshiya asked. “That’s bizarre.”

“Whatever,” Kyo said with a shrug. “I’m over it.”

“Oh, are you?”

“Mostly," Kyo grumbled.

“It’s just weird that he wouldn’t even own up to it when he’s called out,” Toshiya said. “That’s kind of a dick move. Like he hasn’t been acting like that with anyone else, so it’s obviously something related to you.”

“Do you see me arguing with you here?” 

“The way he’s acting is almost more like… I don’t know.” Toshiya shook his head.

Just then, Kyo’s phone vibrated in his pocket and he squirmed around until he could pull it out. His heart fluttered slightly as the screen showed he had one new text message from Die. He wasn’t even sure when the last time Die had texted him first had been. “Speak of the devil,” he murmured, and swiped his thumb across the screen to open it.

And then his heart stopped fluttering, or even beating at all.

[ _I love you so much! :) Sleep well, sweetheart!_ ]

Kyo’s stomach was doing so many acrobatics it should have been fitted for a leotard. He was completely frozen, staring at the small screen, unsure how to react.

After he’d been stuck like that over a minute Toshiya became very concerned. “Kyo…? What happened?” He reached out tentatively to touch Kyo’s arm.

“I—text. But.” Kyo wasn’t managing sentences so well. “Die.” 

Toshiya opened his mouth to say something but he changed his mind and closed it again, waiting for Kyo to explain further.

Kyo took a deep breath, trying to pull himself together. The text was obviously not meant for him. That’s all there was to it.

And the acceptance of that felt a bit like a knife being removed from his gut, allowing the pain to kick in and the blood to start pouring out.

He still couldn’t form anything coherent linguistically so he just shoved his phone towards Toshiya, who caught it with a little surprised noise.

Toshiya’s eyebrows shot up as he read the text, and then resettled low as he looked at Kyo with a somewhat pained expression. “Kyo…”

“I know,” Kyo said, not meeting his eyes. “I know, I know, I know. It was a mistake.”

Toshiya bit his lip as he cautiously passed the phone back to him. “God, that’s… awful. I’m sorry.”

“It happens,” Kyo said, trying to shrug again, though only one of his shoulders actually moved. He looked at the text again, the smiley face that seemed to be laughing at him. Die was always very free in his use of emojis when he texted Kyo too. Back when he used to text him.

“Stop looking at it,” Toshiya said. He tried to pull the phone back away from Kyo, but he held it tight.

“What should I do?” Kyo said distantly.

“Stop looking at it!” Toshiya repeated.

“No, I mean… Should I reply? Let him know he… sent it to the wrong person?” Kyo looked at Toshiya a little desperately.

“You’re not obligated to do that,” Toshiya said.

“But,” Kyo looked back down at the message and swallowed hard. “Heather won’t get her goodnight text unless he realizes his mistake. Doesn’t she deserve to know that he loves her?” His voice barely cracked at all and he met Toshiya’s eyes again.

Toshiya was looking at him as if second, third, and fourth heads had all sprouted from Kyo’s shoulders simultaneously. He rubbed a hand over his face, cursing under his breath. “It’s up to you, man.”

“What’s the right thing to say? I can’t act like I’m joking and say I love him back ‘cause what if he takes it the wrong way?” Kyo thought aloud. “Which is to say, the right way.”

“You could just say, like, ‘did you mean to send this to someone else?’” Toshiya suggested.

“But what if that sounds like I’m hoping he _didn’t_ mean to,” Kyo said. “Or maybe it could sound like I’m offended. It’s hard to get tone across in a text message.”

“Dude, just write whatever you want.”

After much consideration, Kyo sent the text { _*buzzer sound* I am not the person you meant to send that to!_ }

They waited to see if he’d respond, both Toshiya and Kyo staring at Kyo’s phone nervously.

“How did he even make a mistake like that?” Toshiya mused. “Had you guys been mid-conversation or something?”

“No, I haven’t messaged him at all in the past few days,” Kyo said, his eyes still on his phone.

“Like, there’s no way ‘Heather’ and ‘Kyo’ could be next to each other in a contact list, especially since you’d think he’d leave ‘Heather’ in English. So how do you get those confused?” Toshiya said.

“Maybe he has a nickname for her that he uses in his phone,” Kyo said.

“Like what?”

“He said he calls her his ‘pale lady,’” Kyo remembered, unfortunately.

“That still doesn’t make any sense then,” Toshiya said. “And why is he sending her goodnight texts in Japanese anyway?”

“Why not? Her Japanese seemed pretty decent when we talked to her,” Kyo said. 

“He’s gotta be so embarrassed,” Toshiya said. “I would be completely mortified if I did something like that; I’d have to spend like the next three years apologizing, unable to look you in the eye.”

“Well, lucky for Die he’s already halfway there: he never looks me in the eye anymore anyway,” Kyo said, a faint note of bitterness in his voice. His phone buzzed then and he grabbed it, unlocking the screen hurriedly.

[ _Haha, aww, okay :P_ ]

Kyo glared at the message. 

“Why, what’s he say?” Toshiya leaned awkwardly trying to see the screen.

“I guess he’s not really embarrassed,” Kyo said. Though it wasn’t at all clear what he _was_.

“Maybe he’s just… drunk?” Toshiya said.

“I would think he’d have to be,” Kyo agreed, passing the phone so Toshiya could read it better. 

“He didn’t apologize,” Toshiya observed. He frowned. “Actually, he didn’t even say ‘oops you’re right, my bad’ or something like that.”

“Whatever, I don’t even know why I would expect some kind of normal communication from him at this point,” Kyo said, raking a hand through his hair.

“No, I mean,” Toshiya paused. He sat with his lips pursed for minute, clearly working over some things in his mind and then finally said, “I don’t know, never mind.”

Kyo didn’t argue. He just sighed and took another drink from his water bottle. “Well, I’m tired. And I feel shitty. So I think I’m going to bed.” He took his phone back and slid it into his pocket as he got up from the couch, stretching.

Toshiya nodded, gave him an understanding look. “You should be getting lots of rest anyway, you need your energy for lives.”

Kyo rolled his eyes even though it was true. “Thanks for… y’know. Being you,” he said, somewhat awkwardly.

Toshiya smiled a bit sadly at him and reached out to squeeze his hand. “Goodnight, Kyo. Have pleasant dreams.”

Kyo huffed out a small sound. “Thanks. You should turn in soon too.”

“I will,” Toshiya assured him.

Kyo only just caught the way Toshiya frowned as he was turning to walk towards the bunks, as if something was still puzzling him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kyo does what he can to help Toshiya with a problem, but struggles to accept help in return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to post this days ago, so I apologize for that. This chapter is a little bit... cheesy sometimes maybe, in a mushy friendship kind of way, so... I don't know what you guys think of that. It's just how it is.  
> Still not totally sure what's going to happen with my updates when I'm traveling the next week or two, but I'll probably be getting a decent amount of writing done, so I mentioned it on tumblr, but I'll put it out there here too: if you have any requests in mind that you'd like me to make happen for you, now is a good time to tell me about them so I can get started while I have some free time at the airport~  
> Enough of my chatter, thanks for reading as always, love y'all

“Kyo, what is that even supposed to _be_?” Shinya asked as he walked into the dressing room.

Kyo glanced over his shoulder at him and then looked back in the mirror at the makeup he’d been applying to his face for the better part of the past hour. He shrugged. “What does it look like to you?”

“Reasonably disturbing,” Shinya said.

“I thought it looks pretty cool. It’s just something I was trying,” Kyo said. He extended a line drawn under his eye to curve down and around, connecting it to the ones webbing out from the corner of his mouth. Setting his brush down, he raised an eyebrow at Shinya. “Why, did you want me to do your makeup next?”

“Tempting, but I think I can handle myself,” Shinya said. He sat down a couple chairs over from Kyo, only half-facing the mirror as he started to work on his hair.

“Your loss,” Kyo said with a smile.

They worked in silence for a while, vague sounds of the string instruments’ sound check filtering over the monitors in the room. 

Suddenly Shinya asked, “Kyo, you’re not gay, are you?”

“What?” Kyo said, startled. He nearly dropped the eye shadow he was working with, but managed to catch it before it slid from his lap to the floor. When he turned to look at Shinya, the drummer was perfectly calm, his attention apparently on a lock of hair he was currently straightening. Kyo let out a quiet breath. “No,” he said honestly. The only guy he’d ever really been interested in was Die, after all, and while he didn’t dismiss the possibility of finding other men attractive in the future, he unarguably had an interest in women as well.

“Oh, hmm,” Shinya said.

“…Why?” Kyo prompted.

Shinya made a soft little tutting noise with his tongue before saying, “Well, I was just wondering because it seems like… I thought you might have a crush on Die.”

Kyo was pleased that one probably couldn’t see just how badly and how immediately he was blushing because of the makeup covering his face. “How did you come to that conclusion?”

“Just you seem to act… _different_ around him,” Shinya said, still looking at what he was doing with his hair, rather than at Kyo.

Kyo made some indignant sputtering noises and then said, “Yeah, only because of how fucking weird he’s acting around _me_!”

That somehow got Shinya’s attention. “Is that what’s going on? Die’s the one behaving strangely?”

“Maybe you haven’t noticed, and I know you said that Die never picks fights with people, but I _swear_ to you, I haven’t done _anything_ , and he’s been giving me the cold shoulder since tour started,” Kyo said.

“That’s interesting,” Shinya said. “Now that you mention it, I have noticed that he’s been keeping an unusual distance between you. It’s odd since you two had gotten so close recently.”

“I know!” Kyo said, irritation and hurt leaking into his voice. “I was considering him one of my best friends and then he goes and pulls this shit!”

“Hmm,” Shinya said again. “I’d assumed it was something emotional from your end—just because it usually tends to be—but if this is coming from Die, that’s interesting.”

“So you’ve said,” Kyo said. He turned his face in the mirror, trying to see the makeup from different angles.

“I apologize for assuming that conflicts begin with you; that’s unfair,” Shinya said as he switched off and unplugged his flat iron.

“I’m used to it,” Kyo said.

Shinya was quiet for a while and then said, “He started acting like this at the beginning of the tour?”

“Yep,” Kyo said. “And earlier today, when we were both in the same conversation about whether or not mushrooms are good on pizza? That was probably the most we’ve talked in about three weeks.”

“Maybe it’s Die then,” Shinya said.

“Obviously it’s Die,” Kyo said. “I already told you I didn’t do anything.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Shinya said. “Did you know that Die has, well, come on to me before?”

Kyo chose his words a bit carefully as he said, “It’s not a criticism, but you did look even more feminine when we first met…”

Shinya shook his head. “Years later. He may have been somewhat drunk, but I’ve been pretty sure since then that he has some level of interest in men.”

Kyo pressed his lips together. “Hmm. Mmhmm.”

“So I wonder if that’s why he’s keeping his distance with you.”

“Mmhmm. Wait, what?” Kyo turned in his chair to properly look at Shinya.

“It could be he’s worried about making you uncomfortable, or… Oh, hmm.” Shinya paused and took the chance to take his (far less complicated) makeup out of his bag.

“Or… what?” Kyo said.

“Oh, well, he has his girlfriend,” Shinya said. “If he started developing some feelings or attraction for you, he could be trying to shut that down by getting some space, so it doesn’t damage his relationship.”

Kyo stared open-mouthed as Shinya started applying his makeup, apparently oblivious to how what he’d just suggested was affecting his friend.

Die? Developing feelings for _Kyo_? No, no, no, that wasn’t what was happening. That could not be what was happening. Shinya was just spitballing and there was nothing to it at all.

After opening and closing his mouth several times Kyo managed to say, “That doesn’t make any sense.”

Shinya shrugged. “If he’s worried about how he feels about you, maybe doesn’t trust himself around you, I could see how he’d want to put up some boundaries.”

Kyo felt like he’d entered into some kind of surreal dream, like everything had gotten a little bit fuzzy around the edges at the mere _idea_ of Die _not trusting himself_ around Kyo. This was not a train of thought he needed to be entertaining, and once again he found himself extremely frustrated with the topics that Shinya chose for conversation.

“Then again, it could be his girlfriend’s request that he stay away from you,” Shinya said then, tilting his head thoughtfully. “Since it started at the beginning of the tour, maybe _she_ is the one who doesn’t trust him around you.”

Now that was an idea that Kyo could wrap his mind around more easily. And it was completely infuriating. “That’s not fair!” he said, through gritted teeth. “What the hell does she think is going to happen??”

Shinya gave him a sideways glance and then turned back to the mirror. “I agree that it would be wrong for her to not trust him if that were the case.”

“Or trust _me_!” Kyo said. “I’m not going to fucking… do anything! I would never try to come between Die and the person he’s dating!”

“I believe you,” Shinya said.

“She doesn’t even know me! And what, like she’s pulling some kind of strings on her puppet boyfriend? Where’s his fucking backbone?”

“We don’t know that that’s what’s going on,” Shinya reminded Kyo calmly.

Kyo ignored him. “I guess he must not have one if he can’t even be bothered to _tell_ me that’s what the situation is! Like where does he get off blowing me off without even a fucking explanation? Some friend! If he’d just _talk_ to me, I could straighten things out, let his girlfriend know I wasn’t a threat—I don’t know what she _thinks_ she knows about me but they’re _both_ shitty if they think I would ever cross a line like—” Kyo stopped abruptly, realizing just how loudly and heatedly he was speaking. Apparently he’d been letting more anger over the circumstances bottle up within him than he’d been willing to admit, and now it had come bubbling out far more than he was comfortable with, especially in front of Shinya.

And yet, Shinya seemed unfazed by Kyo’s outburst. He was just wrapping up the finishing touches on his makeup and then he stood up to put it away. Kyo wasn’t sure if he should say something to try to backpedal from his momentary lapse of control, but Shinya wasn’t pushing anything, and before he got the chance to think of any decent cover, their bandmates were coming into the dressing room, having completed their sound check.

Kyo cast a nervous glance from Shinya to Die and back, wondering if Shinya would say anything about what they’d just been discussing. Instead Shinya caught his eye and raised his eyebrows just a fraction, as if to indicate he had no intention of keeping their conversation anything less than private. Kyo nodded, let out a sigh of relief as he watched Shinya lean back in his chair with his headphones on, reading something on his iPad. He didn’t know exactly how much he’d given away with regards to how he felt about Die, but Shinya didn’t seem inclined to give him any trouble over it, and he took great comfort in that.

“Geez, Kyo, your makeup is intense,” Toshiya said as he approached the counter. He leaned his hip against it as he looked down at Kyo. “How long have you been working on it?”

“Maybe an hour or so,” Kyo said with a shrug. “It’s kind of cool, right?”

“You’re so good with that stuff,” Toshiya said, shaking his head. “I've never been able to do anything like that.”

Kyo was about to make a retort that it wasn’t like he was doing anything really difficult but he bit his tongue. Instead, after watching as Toshiya applied his own simple eyeliner, he said, “If you ever want, I could show you a few things. During tour is a good chance to practice, since we have a lot of downtime.”

Toshiya smiled. “I might take you up on that.”

Kyo added a couple more details and then decided his makeup was done, used a setting spray on it, and started to clean up his station. Toshiya next to him was cleaning up as well when he made an odd strangled sort of sound and Kyo turned to look at him.

“What’s wrong?” Kyo asked.

Toshiya didn’t look at him as he quickly shook his head, shoving his phone into his pocket, and the few other things he’d had on the counter into his bag. “Nothing, it’s nothing.” He glanced around the dressing room. “Where’s Kaoru?”

Die spoke up from the corner, “He went out a bit ago for a smoke.”

Toshiya muttered something not totally coherent about going to find him and walked hurriedly out of the room. Kyo stared after him, unsure what had just happened, and after a brief pause, followed.

Toshiya was already halfway down the hall and Kyo scrambled to catch him, calling out, “Toshiya! Wait up!” Toshiya cast a glance over his shoulder but didn’t really slow down, only stopping when Kyo finally reached him and got a grip on his arm. “What’s going on?” Kyo said, catching his breath.

“I’m just going to look for Kaoru,” Toshiya said.

“Why are you in such a rush?”

“No, I’m not, I just,” Toshiya said, looking down at the floor. “I need a smoke.”

Kyo raised his eyebrows at that. “Um, no you don’t. Toshiya, what is it?”

“Don’t worry about it!”

“Toshiya,” Kyo said, somewhat pitifully. “Come on! You’re there for me all the time; I’m _trying_ to be here for you, please, just let me?”

When Toshiya met his eyes Kyo let go of his arm, but couldn’t help but notice how tired he looked again, even with his makeup newly done. “She’s here,” Toshiya mumbled.

“Your ex. Now?”

Toshiya nodded. “She texted to say she’s already at the venue and she says she’s not leaving until she gets to talk to me.”

“You don’t have to talk to her.”

“What am I supposed to do?” Toshiya asked. “She’s going to wait around for me to come out!”

“And we’ll all be there to help you walk right past her and get on the bus,” Kyo said.

“Even if I… escape her, this time, what’s going to stop her from coming again? She knows where I live,” Toshiya said.

Kyo frowned. “You think she’s going to full-on stalk you? Toshiya, is she dangerous? Do we need to get authorities involved?”

Toshiya looked at him and then suddenly burst out laughing, almost hysterically.

Surprised, Kyo said, “Toshiya, I’m being serious.”

“Oh god, I know,” Toshiya said, holding a stitch in his side. “But it just hit me, us having this conversation, you being so serious, when your _face…”_ He made some sputtering noises as he started laughing again.

Kyo took a moment to realize that his face was still elaborately painted with the expressive and possibly terrifying design he’d spent so much of the afternoon working on. He had to laugh too. “It’s a serious face!”

“Ohh, I know,” Toshiya said. He looked up at the ceiling as he dabbed at his eyes with the side of his hand, trying not to smudge his eyeliner. “But in response to your question, I don’t think she’s dangerous. I just think she’s immature, and slightly unreasonable, and I don’t know how to talk to her.”

“Do you want me to talk to her?” Kyo said, without even really thinking about it.

Toshiya stared at him. “Did you just… _offer_ to talk to someone who you don’t even know? Who you don’t _have_ to talk to? About something serious and not career-related?”

“Why do you make it sound so dramatic?” Kyo said uneasily. “I will say something to her if you need me to.”

“Kyo, you don’t have to,” Toshiya said. “But know that I am seriously moved by the offer.”

“You’ll let me know if there is something I can do to help, right?” Kyo said.

Toshiya studied him a moment longer and then nodded. “I will. And now I’m going to go get some air and try to calm down before we have to start thinking about going on—I’m not going to smoke, don’t worry.”

“Okay. I’ll be back in the dressing room if you need me,” Kyo said. He watched as Toshiya continued down the hall towards the back door of the venue. Then he turned and headed back to the dressing room, finding Die its only remaining occupant.

Kyo wondered where Shinya had gone, wondered if he should try to strike up a conversation with Die, wondered if there was even _possibly_ anything to what Shinya had suggested about Die and his girlfriend and all that reasoning for his unfriendly treatment of Kyo— and he decided to not do anything about it. He went and sat in his chair at the counter and let out a sigh.

“At it again?” Die said.

Kyo turned to look at him, hardly keeping the shock off his face at being directly addressed. He even glanced around to make sure there was no one else in the room Die could be speaking to before he finally said, “Huh?”

“With Toshiya,” Die said. When Kyo’s expression of confusion didn’t fade he went on, “Trying to absorb his pain, so he can grow stronger?”

Kyo blinked at him. It took him a moment to realize what he was talking about, but when he did he didn’t feel any less lost. Die was making reference to the sticky-note Kyo had written the night they went to the jazz concert? Die _remembered_ that? He didn’t give Kyo the time of day, but he remembered a sentence he’d written in passing a month ago?

“You take on too much,” Die said, shaking his head. “You let others grow stronger and end up crushed under the weight of whatever sorrow you’ve taken from them.”

This analysis grated on Kyo’s nerves. As far as he was concerned, Die had lost the privilege of critiquing the way Kyo handled his (or other people’s) pain. And besides, hadn’t Kyo been crushed more under the weight of pain given to him _by_ _Die_ than by anything from Toshiya? “I can bear other people’s sorrow more easily than I can bear my own,” he said. “But either way, I’m still standing.”

“I’m just saying I think Toshiya can manage without you doing it for him,” Die said.

“And I’m saying it never hurt anyone to have some fucking support, which might not be something you understand,” Kyo snapped. He got up and left the dressing room again, not interested in carrying out a full-blown argument with Die where he was sure he’d only say things he’d regret.

Kyo wandered the halls backstage for a while, letting his mind work through a few issues. Maybe he’d overreacted and snapping at Die was only going to make his situation with him more uncomfortable. Maybe he’d been unfair in what he said anyway, since Die was probably just trying to… well, what _was_ Die trying to do? Why would he care if Kyo was helping Toshiya with his problems or not? How could it make any difference to someone who had chosen to basically cut off communication with Kyo, despite them working together and seeing each other every day?

As usual, Kyo couldn’t make any sense of Die’s behavior, and he knew asking him about it wouldn’t get him real answers either. It was with this resigned thought that he came to a short, empty hallway with nothing in it but a custodial closet, and he leaned against the wall and let himself slide down it. It was beyond frustrating. He was done being pulled around by his emotions surrounding Die and done being confused by everything the guitarist did. He really just needed to let it go and start trying to move on. The friendship they’d had had been one of the best and closest of his life, and he still valued it, but if it was over, there was no point in him standing around asking _why_ with no one to hear him.

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been crouching there when Shinya startled him out of his reverie. “Kyo? Are you all right? We’ve been looking for you.”

Kyo looked up and realized Shinya had changed into his full stage attire. “Sorry, I’m fine, yeah. I was just thinking.”

“We’re on pretty soon,” Shinya said. “You probably want to go change.”

“Right,” Kyo said, pushing himself to stand. He walked with Shinya back to the dressing room, a comfortable silence between them. If Die had mentioned the manner in which Kyo had stormed out, Shinya wasn’t about to bring it up, and Kyo appreciated that.

 

Several times as they were getting ready to go on, and even during the actual performance, Kyo noticed Die trying to catch his eye, but he stubbornly refused to meet his gaze. He managed to avoid looking at Die the rest of the night, instead keeping a close watch on Toshiya whenever he got the chance, checking up on him to see how he was faring with his ex somewhere in the crowd.

Overall, it was a good live, though it felt a little different, angrier and even more emotionally charged than usual. Kyo was careful with his voice, didn’t let himself push too far. When he felt close to his limits he’d back off and let the audience take the next section, giving him a few seconds to settle down and get his support back under him. Before the encore Kyo washed his face and changed into the tour T-shirt, shedding that layer of persona before coming back out on the stage, but not letting his fierce, bitter energy fall away. There was almost a kind of triumph in performing well, enjoying it, and not letting Die share in that. Sure, he was there, they were playing together—but Die could have a taste of his own medicine and feel how it was to be ignored.

By the time they were walking back to the bus, Kyo had honestly pretty much forgotten about Toshiya’s problem, until he was hearing an unfamiliar feminine voice calling out, “ _Toshiya! Totchi_!!” as they walked, and the tall bassist was trying, rather comically, to hide himself behind Kyo.

“Shit, shit, that’s her!” Toshiya hissed.

Toshiya’s ex had indeed been waiting for him to leave and now she was trying to get as close as she could, though the staff walking with them wasn’t making it easy for her. Kyo tried to place her but couldn’t remember if he’d met her before or not. He did what he could to act as a shield between her and Toshiya, lifting his chin and giving her an intimidating glare. The rest of the band was ahead of them and didn't seem to notice the commotion at all.

“Toshiya, I just want to _talk_ , come on!” she was saying, clearly frustrated that she wasn’t able to get closer.

“I talked to you already,” Toshiya called, keeping Kyo planted in front of him with a hand on his shoulder. “I gave you my answer, and you haven’t left me alone!”

“But come on, we could talk face to face, don’t you at least owe me that? I’m not going to give up on you!” she insisted.

Kyo finally set his jaw and gave Toshiya a light shove towards the bus, marching himself towards where she was being cut off by two staff members.

“Kyo, what are you doing!!” Toshiya squeaked.

Kyo tapped one of the staff members on the shoulder so they would let him speak to Toshiya’s ex, and while they regarded him with considerable surprise they stepped aside.

The girl had a few inches on Kyo, but seemed cowed by the very fact that he had come over to speak to her, gaping at him, but unable to form words.

“Listen,” he said calmly, looking at her over the top of his sunglasses. “Toshiya doesn’t owe you anything, all right? I want to make that very clear. You are no longer together, and that was a mutual decision, correct?” He paused for her answer, neatly establishing that this was a conversation. 

She nodded. 

“Right. Now, he’s told you he isn’t interested in rekindling the relationship, also correct?” 

She nodded again.

Kyo sighed. “I understand that it’s difficult to let him go. Obviously Toshiya’s a great guy, and yes, you made a mistake in breaking things off with him in the first place. But the way you’re behaving now? It isn’t okay. It isn’t going to make him ‘come around,’ and if you carry on like this, you’re going to end up in serious trouble. Besides, it’s hurting him, and he doesn’t deserve it.” Kyo looked at her seriously and could tell she was only a few seconds away from crying, so he tried to wrap things up. “Are you understanding me?”

She nodded a final time, tears starting to run down her face.

“I won’t be seeing you again,” Kyo said. “Neither will Toshiya. Go find someone else, okay?” He offered her a grim sort of half-smile and a wave, and turned back to the bus, letting the staff shoo her away.

When he got on the bus, Toshiya was staring at him open-mouthed, from where he’d been watching at the window. “What did you say to her?” he asked.

Kyo shrugged. “I just told her she needed to stop, basically. I think she’ll leave you alone now.”

Somehow Kyo wasn’t expecting it when Toshiya threw his arms around him, holding him tight. “I didn’t think you would do something like that. I know you kept saying you wanted to help but I didn’t… really take you seriously.”

Kyo squirmed a little, trying to get out of Toshiya’s hold on him. “Well I’m not likely to lie about something like that. Do you not know that? I don’t really lie about real shit.”

“I know. You’re right, I know,” Toshiya said, loosening his grip. He stepped back to look at Kyo. “I don’t have friends who stick up for me like that usually.”

“Someone just needed to be honest with her,” Kyo said. “I’m more than capable of doing that.”

“You didn’t threaten and intimidate her?” Toshiya asked.

“No, I was just very plain about the situation. That’s how I’d want someone to be with me.”

Toshiya frowned and let go of Kyo fully. Kyo looked past him and saw that the bus was quiet. He walked over, dropped his backpack on the couch, and sat down next to it, rubbing his hands over his face.

Toshiya came to sit on the couch too and said quietly, “Kyo, about Die…”

“I don’t even want to talk about him,” Kyo said. “That guy can fuck off, I don’t even care.”

Toshiya made a face that turned his mouth sideways. “That’s not true. And maybe you don’t want to talk about him, but I have to tell you anyway because I keep thinking about when he sent you that text.”

“Why the hell are we bringing that up?” Kyo asked, more baffled than angry. 

“I’m sorry!” Toshiya said quickly. “But it’s just too _weird_. What if… What if it wasn’t an accident?”

Kyo stared at Toshiya. “Don’t.”

“I just mean, what if he meant it to _seem_ like an accident, because he was kind of… testing the waters? To see how you’d react?” 

“Why the fuck are you saying this?” Kyo said quietly, digging the heels of his hands into his closed eyes.

“Because I _know_ Die! I’ve been closer with him longer than I’ve been close with you, even before _you_ two were close. He’s not an asshole! He has a good reason for acting the way he has been, and I don’t know exactly what it is, but it would… make _sense_ to me, if he just didn’t know how to deal with feelings he’s having for you,” Toshiya said carefully.

Kyo sighed heavily, not wanting to hear anything he was hearing. He was trying to hate Die, to move past him, to let this whole thing be _over and done with_. But he was reminded of what Shinya had said earlier as well. “Because of his girlfriend,” he said without opening his eyes.

“Maybe,” Toshiya said.

“Shinya suggested something similar.”

“You talked to Shinya about it?” Toshiya said, surprise evident in his voice.

“Not intentionally,” Kyo said. “He had just noticed that there was some weird tension between me and Die and asked about it. His thought was that maybe Heather’s uncomfortable with how close Die and I were and told him to keep his distance.”

“That’s possible,” Toshiya agreed.

“Or maybe it isn’t,” Kyo said. “Maybe he just doesn’t want to be friends anymore, because I’m a fuck-up and he finally realized that. That would make a hell of a lot _more_ sense, and wouldn’t surprise me in the least, so instead of trying to make up cute fairytale reasons for him to act like a dick, can we just own what the likeliest explanation is here?”

“Kyo, you’re not—”

“I am! Okay?” Kyo looked at Toshiya now, tired in every sense of the word. “And I kind of need you guys to stop… Just stop.” He needed them to stop giving him _hope_ , but he couldn’t get that out, so he just let it be heard in his silence.

Toshiya looked impossibly sad. “I’m not saying these things to get your hopes up, or to make you overanalyze stuff even more. I just honestly… think there’s got to be more to how Die’s acting than what we can see from our limited perspective.”

“Then you go ahead and think that,” Kyo said. “Leave me out of it.” And with that he grabbed up his backpack and trudged off to the back of the bus, unwilling to spend another minute entertaining the possibility that Die could have feelings for him, when it was so painfully obvious that he couldn’t care less.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kyo is held accountable for a promise he made, and receives some mixed messages.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This section of the story has been surprisingly harder for me to write than I guess I anticipated so my updates are not as fast as I imagined them (also I've been mad busy). Maybe we're getting somewhere though.  
> All right, on with it then. Thanks for being rad, you guys.

It was easier to think that Die hated him. It didn’t feel _good_ , but it was less confusing. Kyo didn’t have to be constantly _wondering_ , asking what it all meant, overthinking his own behavior in response. Instead he let himself believe that Die was simply done pretending to be his friend, and while it had been nice while it lasted, it was now nothing but a memory. 

Now, this is not to say that he didn’t still have those thoughts, that he didn’t still near drown in them when he was trying to fall asleep, tangled up in _why_ s. 

Die’s quoting Kyo’s sticky-note back to him had thrown him for a bit of a loop. If he remembered something like that, did he think of Kyo the way Kyo thought of him? Did his heart ache for Kyo and the pain he had known, as Kyo’s heart ached for Die? Did Die even have a heart that could ache in such a way?

And yet there was a strange sort of comfort in being able to stow it all away at the end, knowing it didn’t matter because as it was now, Die was no longer his friend. They worked together, despite the fact that Die would probably rather they didn’t, and Kyo didn’t have to worry whether Die thought of him, or _what_ he thought of him, because he had made his disinterest to the point of loathing perfectly clear. In a way, it was almost amusing, how he had never seen Die hate anyone before and when he did finally see it, it was Kyo he hated. Still, dwelling on such things didn’t change them.

Kyo did what he could to focus on his upcoming art exhibit instead. Opening night was this weekend, and he would be splitting off from the tour to go ahead and get things ready tomorrow. He was not at all broken up about this, since it was obvious that Die didn’t want to be around him, and his friendships with his other bandmates—well, they hadn’t _suffered_ exactly, but Kyo had definitely fallen back on his old ways of keeping much more to himself.

Although he knew that Toshiya was only trying to help, being around him while he was constantly trying to _solve Kyo’s problems_ had gotten to be exhausting, and he’d started to seek more time alone. It was almost a surprise to him then when Shinya caught him as he was coming back from the shower and walked with him the whole way to the dressing room.

“Don’t even think about sneaking off to the bus,” Shinya said. “You promised us all that you would come out with us more this tour and so far you haven’t even once. And I’m not the only one who’s noticed.”

Kyo winced, all too aware that he had been pushing Toshiya away unfairly.

Shinya went on, “Kaoru hardly ever stops talking about _next time when Kyo is here_ this and _I wish Kyo was here to see_ that. It’s kind of touching, really.”

That was a bit unexpected, but Kyo had to agree that it was very sweet to imagine Kaoru boring the rest of the band prattling on about how he wished Kyo was joining them. He had a tendency to forget that Kaoru cared about him in a more than professional context, and evidence of that affection only made Kyo feel guiltier for how he had been shunning anyone else’s company.

“You’re leaving tomorrow and we’re excited for your art exhibit, so we’ll go somewhere you can order food too if you don’t want to drink, but you’re coming out with us. Got it?” Shinya said as they reached the dressing room and he held the door open.

Kyo made a defeated little noise and nodded. “Fair enough.”

Kaoru and Toshiya were waiting in the dressing room, looking like they were already ready to go. 

“You caught him!” Toshiya said happily. “Is he onboard?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming,” Kyo said. “Just let me put my stuff away.”

Toshiya clapped his hands together, grinning broadly.

“You did say we’d spend more time together in a more casual setting,” Kaoru reminded him.

“What, are you still trying to convince me? I already said I’m coming!” Kyo said with a light laugh. He got everything into his bag and then looked around the dressing room. He chewed on his lower lip, not wanting to ask the question on his mind, but he couldn’t help it after a minute and said, as casually as he could, “Where’s Die anyway?”

“I thought he went to shower,” Shinya said.

“No, he said something about making a phone call,” Kaoru said. “Probably to that girl of his.” 

Kyo pursed his lips, nodding, aware of the way that both Shinya and Toshiya were looking at him worriedly.

“It’s gotta be really hard on him being away from her like this,” Kaoru plunged on obliviously. 

“I suppose so, yes,” Shinya said.

Toshiya cleared his throat then. “Hey, Kyo, were you gonna visit Kyoto on your way over to Osaka?” he asked, changing the subject, not smoothly, but effectively.

“Yeah, I was planning to,” Kyo said. “Anyone have any requests as far as omiyage?”

“Sweets!” Toshiya said at once.

“Not sweets,” Shinya said.

“All right, one vote for sweets and one vote for not sweets,” Kyo laughed.

“Specifically, can you get that really good konpeito?” Toshiya said.

“God, like ‘sweets’ isn’t bad enough, you really want him to bring back _pure sugar_?” Shinya said with an air of disapproval.

“Go big or go home?” Toshiya shrugged.

“Remember that green tea you brought back last time you went? That was really nice,” Shinya said. 

Kyo nodded, remembering the kind Shinya was talking about. “I should be able to find that. What about you, Kaoru?”

“I’m easy,” Kaoru said, waving a hand. “Cookies, rice crackers, nama yatsuhashi, whatever you see when you’re out and about. I’m not picky.”

Kyo snorted at that, thinking, in many ways, Kaoru was the pickiest man he’d ever met, but he didn’t argue. He was pulling out his phone to write a note to himself with their requests when the unfortunate thought struck him that he’d better ask Die as well. He sighed and shot off a text to him, keeping it simple: { _What omiyage do you want from Kyoto?_ }

“And you’re all still coming to opening night at the exhibit?” Kyo said, looking back up from his phone at the group.

“I had plans actually,” Toshiya said, looking disinterested. He only held it for a second before quickly clarifying, “I’m joking, obviously, kidding, kidding. I’m looking forward to seeing it all put together!”

“I am, too,” Kyo admitted. “Still sort of nervous for how it’s going to get assembled on a technical level. Luckily I’m working with some good people.”

Kyo missed Kaoru’s following contribution to the discussion because he got a text just then from Die, just saying, [ _Don’t get me anything_.] 

Kyo stared at the message in confusion. Die didn’t want Kyo to bring back _any_ omiyage for him at all? That would be so bizarre and rude, and why on earth would he _want_ that? He texted back, { _Um, okay, obviously I’m going to bring you something though. I was just giving you a chance to say if there was anything you wanted specifically_.}

He shoved his phone back in his pocket with a huff of annoyance. “So what are we waiting for?”

Shinya shot him a look and then said, “Well, we’re expecting Die to join us.”

_Duh._ Kyo gave a slow nod, feeling extremely stupid. “Right.”

There was a brief awkward silence before Toshiya took out his own phone, and said, “Oh, Die just texted. He says he’ll meet us over there.”

“Then I guess we don’t have to sit around here anymore,” Kaoru said. He got up and moved towards the door, the others following.

Shinya walked up ahead with Kaoru, talking to him about something band-related, leaving Kyo to walk alongside Toshiya, in a guilty silence at first.

He didn’t want to start talking, in case Toshiya started to bring up Die again, as he could just tell from the tension in the bassist’s shoulders he clearly _wanted_ to do. To his surprised relief, Toshiya instead revisited the subject of Kyo's upcoming art show, and how strange it would be to not have him on the bus with them while he was off setting up.

“Please,” Kyo scoffed. “I’ll be gone two nights, hardly long enough to even notice I’m gone.”

“Maybe, with the way you’ve been such a recluse lately,” Toshiya said.

“Ahhh, I knew I would be scolded for that sooner or later,” Kyo said.

“And yet, you pushed us all away anyway,” Toshiya said. His tone was reasonably light and teasing, but not enough that Kyo couldn’t tell somewhere under it he was actually a bit hurt by Kyo’s recent behavior.

“I know. I did tell you I’m a fuck-up,” Kyo reminded him. He dropped his voice then, saying, “I’m sorry, I just can’t be playing at solving this mystery of Why Die is a Dick. I don’t have the energy to focus on it.”

Toshiya grimaced.

“What?” Kyo said warily.

“…I talked to Die,” Toshiya confessed.

“You didn’t.”

Toshiya gave a guilty nod.

“Shit, what is this, junior high?” Kyo muttered, scrubbing a hand over his face.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Toshiya said. “It was super casual; I just said I’d noticed you guys had seemed weird, and was there something going on?”

Toshiya paused and Kyo waved a hand somewhat impatiently.

“He seemed like he was going to say something, but then he just denied that there was any awkwardness at all, and changed the subject,” Toshiya said.

“Nothing new then,” Kyo said. “I don’t need to hear things like this, you know.”

“Maybe if I get him drunk, he’ll spill everything,” Toshiya suggested.

“He might spill something, but I doubt it will be the answers we’re looking for,” Kyo said, shaking his head. “Die’s drunk every other day and he manages to stay all clammed up just fine. I don’t think we can get anything out of him that easy.” They were approaching the bar that was their destination and Kyo quickly wrapped up the topic with a brief, “Let it go, Toshiya.”

They followed the others inside and Kaoru spoke quietly to the hostess before she led them to a booth towards the back and out of the way. Kyo could feel her eyes on them, trying to place them, and he wished he was wearing his jacket with a collar, so he could pull it up over his tattoo. Once she walked off, Kaoru and Shinya sat on the bench on one side of the table and Kyo started to slide in across from them only to have Toshiya stop him.

“No, no, no, I don’t want you clambering over me if you get up to pee, or when you inevitably want to ditch and go back to the bus early,” Toshiya said, gesturing for Kyo to get back out of the booth.

“I’d think you’d want me trapped in there then, to keep me from escaping,” Kyo said with a laugh. He stood aside to let Toshiya get seated and then scooted in next to him.

“We don’t want you trapped; we just enjoy your company,” Shinya said. “Always so dramatic.”

“Like you didn’t catch me coming out of the shower and practically drag me back to the dressing room,” Kyo said. He pulled a menu towards himself. “I’m starved. You said they have some kind of food here right?”

“Yeah, I came here once before,” Kaoru said. “It was a couple years ago, but if I remember correctly, the gyoza was especially good.” He was eyeing the drinks menu for a long while before he said, “So your art opening—it’s a gala right? There will be drinks?”

Kyo raised an eyebrow as he looked up at him. “That’s what you’re really concerned about? I mean, I guess there probably will be. Champagne or whatever.”

“It’s _your_ gala. If they’ll have champagne anyway, you should just make sure they have orange juice too,” Toshiya said with a grin.

Kaoru laughed. “Please do, I would love a second chance at getting to see you drunk on mimosas.”

Kyo shook his head, almost told them the whole thing was a sham, but changed his mind. With a sigh he said, “I’m never going to live that down, am I?”

“Not as long as you know us,” Kaoru said. 

Someone stepped up to the table then, and Kyo glanced up, expecting to see a member of the wait staff to take their orders—only to find Die looking down at him. “Hey,” Die said, and paused.

Kyo looked across the table and saw Shinya casually sprawled to take up a near-comical amount of space on the bench next to Kaoru, making it impossible for Die to sit down, despite Kaoru and Shinya’s narrow frames. Kyo coughed a little bit and scooted over closer to Toshiya, offering Die the spot beside him.

Die smiled as he sat next to Kyo, looking around at everyone pleasantly. “Sorry I’m late. What did I miss?” He leaned to look at the menu over Kyo’s shoulder.

“Not much,” Kyo said. “We were just talking a little about my art exhibit and the gala. Have you worked out an excuse yet for why you won’t be able to go?” The words were out before he could stop them, much more bitter and resentful than he usually allowed himself to say aloud to Die.

Die looked puzzled. “What? I… was planning on going,” he said.

Kyo snorted. “Really.”

“Yes? I already told you before that I was going,” Die said. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Kyo didn’t know how to answer that. _Maybe because when you said that, it was before you’d started treating me like a plague-victim_? But he couldn’t stop his stomach from flipping over with Die sitting so close to him, acting _normal_ for once, and maybe he really _would_ come to Kyo’s show, maybe everything would be fine…

“I don’t know. You’ve just been distant. I thought you might have changed your mind,” Kyo mumbled. He didn’t want to get into it in front of the whole band like this.

“No, it’s on my calendar,” Die assured him. “I’ll be there!”

Kyo allowed himself a smile at that, and the way Die grinned back at him had him feeling almost lightheaded. He had started to doubt he’d ever see Die looking at him like that again, and was this real, or maybe he had fallen asleep back on the bus? Either way, he might as well enjoy it while it was happening.

The waitress came over not long after and took their orders. They all fell into an easy conversation, as if the past few weeks hadn’t happened, as if they were all as close as they had ever been. When she brought the first round of drinks, along with some gyoza and miso for Kyo, they were all in a decent mood and the subject strayed from anything tour or music-related.

“Do you know any good jokes?” Shinya asked. “ _Not_ dirty jokes?” He shot Die a look.

“What are you collecting jokes for?” Kaoru said.

“Yeah, what, quitting Dir en grey to start your solo career as a stand-up comedian?” Toshiya asked.

There was a silence as everyone pictured this for a minute before the table burst out laughing and Shinya rolled his eyes. “I’m trying to bond more with my friend’s daughter. She’s six and she doesn’t think I’m funny.”

“Aww, that’s endearing and kind of sad,” Toshiya said. “We’ll help you think of some!” He thought for a few seconds and then said, “Okay, there’s this one I like, it’s pretty long, but it’s funny. So it starts, once upon a time, there was this girl and her friends and they got into a car accident—”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Kaoru said. “What… What is that _voice_ you’re doing?”

“It goes with the joke,” Toshiya insisted. “It’s part of it!”

“Is that what it’s supposed to sound like?” Die asked.

“I’m doing my best!”

“I don’t know, Shin, do you feel up for a joke that you have to do a special voice for?” Kaoru asked.

Shinya made a face. “Hmm, I’m not sure. If it starts out with a car accident it doesn’t seem like it will be that funny anyway.”

“No, it’s funny, I swear,” Toshiya said. “The car accident is just the set-up, but it’s a long joke; it’s really about ducks.”

“Ducks?” Shinya repeated.

“Why do I feel like there are so many long jokes about ducks?” Die mused.

“I think in my next life, I wouldn’t mind being reborn as a duck,” Kyo said.

Die started laughing so abruptly that Kyo was startled.

“What??” Kyo said.

“That’s just so you,” Die said, still laughing. “I’m not even surprised.”

“They have a good thing going!” Kyo said. Die laughing so much had him tempted to laugh as well, but he tried to keep himself composed.

The waitress brought new drinks and everyone settled down somewhat. Kyo watched Die pick up his beer and spared a thought for what Toshiya had brought up before, that maybe if Die was drunk he would be more willing to open up about his change in attitude—but maybe that was all in the past anyway. After all, he seemed fine now, so maybe it wasn’t something Kyo needed to worry about anymore. They were sitting side by side and Die was laughing, and he was planning on going to Kyo’s art exhibit, and nothing was awkward anymore.

“I have a joke, Shinya,” Kyo said. “What did Zero say to Eight?”

Shinya tilted his head thinking, then said, “I don’t know, what?”

“Nice belt.”

There was a pause and then Die was laughing uproariously again. Kyo turned to look at him, honestly bewildered. Everyone else started laughing, too, more as a response to Die than to the joke itself.

“Die, seriously, are you okay?” Kyo said, laughing himself.

“Ohhh,” Die said, and giggled again. “That… that _tickled_ me.”

“Pfft, you’re ridiculous,” Kyo said.

“I think that’s the tamest joke I’ve ever heard from you,” Shinya said. 

“I think it’s the tamest joke I’ve ever heard at all,” Toshiya said.

“I just think it’s kind of funny,” Kyo said with a shrug.

“I guess you’re not the only one,” Shinya said, eyeing Die, who was still giggling intermittently.

“You should definitely jot it down to tell your young friend,” Kaoru said to Shinya.

Toshiya pouted. “The joke I was going to tell would have been pretty good too, if you’d have let me finish it.”

Kyo suddenly felt something brushing the back of his neck, the hairs there standing up. He reached back to cover his neck protectively with his hand, and turned jerkily back to Die. “What?” 

Die looked at him so _softly_ , and leaned one elbow on the table. “The tag was sticking out of your shirt,” he said simply.

Kyo blinked at him, could feel the slow burn along his cheeks. “Oh. Thanks,” he said. His fingertips brushed along the collar of his shirt under his sweater, where the tag was now safely tucked back inside. “Thought maybe I had a spider crawling on me or something.”

“Nah, that would have felt more like me slapping you across the back of the head with a menu,” Die said. 

Kyo turned back to whatever the rest of the band was saying but couldn’t seem to focus on any of it, the sound of his own heartbeat drowning out their words. The small and tender action from Die had brought back all his feelings in a tidal wave, and any obscure hope he’d had that he was making progress in moving on or getting over him was lost in an instant. 

 

As the evening started winding down and they waited to pay their check, Kyo finally gave a shot to just talking to Die, like he used to. “So I guess that TV show you were so into must be coming back soon?”

Die only took a few seconds of looking confused before he said, “Oh! It’s not back until June, actually.”

“Oh, really?” Kyo said.

“Yeah, it’s a big outrage in the fandom. It’s the final season, and it’s coming back two months later than it usually does. They’ve still released barely any promotional stuff for it.”

“That’s frustrating. The last thing I saw, she got stabbed in the leg,” Kyo said.

“Yeah, that’s where we are. Bit of a cliffhanger,” Die said.

“Definitely.” 

“And you, Kyo…” Die frowned. “You made me so sad.”

Kyo looked at him, utterly confused by what seemed to be a dramatic subject change. “ _I_ did? I’m… sorry?”

“No, it’s nothing to apologize for. I meant it as a compliment, actually. Onstage.”

Kyo went right on feeling confused, given that he and Die tended to leave each other alone up onstage lately. Die was paying enough attention to be… moved by Kyo’s performance?

“Every night, there’s at least some point in the live where it’s just so hard to listen to—and I mean that in the best way possible,” Die said. “That you have this way of sharing that kind of emotion with a whole crowd of people, touching every one of them, including those of us up there with you… It’s powerful. I try to focus on my playing, to not let it get to me, but it doesn’t always work, and sometimes I swear I can feel your pain all the way down to my core.”

There was nothing Kyo could really say to that, especially since he’d been trying to operate under the assumption that Die had adopted some loathing for him, and was somehow oblivious to the significant pain that he himself was causing Kyo with his actions.

The check showed up then and everyone put down cash to cover their portion of it before Shinya and Die stood up to let everyone else wriggle their way out of the booth.

“Kyo, it was really nice having you come out with us,” Kaoru said. “Remind me again why you don’t do it usually?”

“He’s just playing hard to get,” Toshiya said, giving Kyo a little push as he got up from the bench.

“Makes you appreciate me more when I’m here, right?” Kyo said with a half-smile.

“And keeps us from getting sick of you,” Shinya added as he wrapped his scarf around his neck before heading out into the night, Kaoru just behind him.

Kyo walked between Toshiya and Die as they headed back to the bus, so comfortable it almost hurt.

“This was really nice though,” Toshiya said. “I’ve missed just hanging out and talking with you guys.” He glanced at Die, but he didn’t look back.

“When we meet up in Osaka, maybe we’ll make a point to talk more,” Kyo said, a little nervously. He, too, attempted to meet Die’s eyes to no avail.

“Let’s have story time while we walk again,” Toshiya said, clearly trying to redirect the conversation. “Your prompt is: bunny.”

“Bunny? As in rabbit?” Kyo asked.

“For example,” Toshiya said. “I once managed to get a stuffed rabbit out of a UFO Catcher, on only the second try, and let me tell you, my date was _very_ impressed. It was years ago, but we’re still in touch, and sometimes she sends me photos of the stuffed rabbit in various poses, dressed up for holidays or sitting next to a bag of carrots. It was a worthwhile investment.”

“That’s actually great,” Die said. “For me… The word bunny reminds me of this woman, Haruko, she was a family friend when I was a kid.” He stopped, frowning as he looked down at the ground in front of him. “You know, I don’t want to talk about this.”

“You don’t have to,” Kyo said, a little surprised. “I mean, we’d like to hear, but you know you never have to share anything you don’t want to.”

Toshiya nodded in agreement, and Kyo wasn’t sure if Die was going to keep talking or not, but then he did, saying, “She raised rabbits for a while and gave one to us when it was just a tiny cute thing. She was one of my biggest supporters when I started playing guitar.”

Kyo smiled. It was nice to hear something from Die’s childhood that wasn’t the basis of some trauma.

“She used to cut my hair the whole time I was growing up,” Die went on. “When I was a teenager, she got sick… One day, I came home and my parents were on the phone with her while she was in the hospital, and she asked to talk to me, wanted to know how school was going, to know that everything was okay. She asked me to play something for her on the guitar, so I did. She passed later that night.”

_Well, so much for that_ , Kyo thought. “Die, I’m… I’m sorry.”

“If I’m kind of hard on myself with my guitar-playing sometimes, that’s probably why,” Die said. “I always feel like I have to play well, for her. How she would have wanted me to.”

Toshiya was quiet. Kyo almost reached out and held Die’s hand as they walked, but instead he rested his hand on Die’s back for a second, just the lightest of touches.

“You always play beautifully. I think… she would be proud of you,” Kyo said. “I hope that’s all right for me to say.”

Die smiled at him. “Thanks. I hope she would be.”

Kyo didn’t know what to do with this, another small piece of Die’s history, something that seemed so fragile, offered hesitantly with both hands. He tucked it away inside himself, just something by which he could know Die a little better, understand him a little more. There was a certain amount of relief knowing Die could still trust him enough to confide something so personal, that that part of their friendship remained intact.

They got back to the bus and Die offered up hugs to the group, saving Kyo for last as if nothing had ever changed between them, and Kyo willed himself not to overanalyze it.

“Your exhibit is going to be amazing,” Die said softly, his arms tight around Kyo. “I can’t wait to see it, and I can’t wait for everyone else to see it, to share that connection with you.” There was a smile and a truthfulness in his voice, so close to Kyo’s ear, and Kyo, moved by the words, squeezed him back, harder than he had typically dared.

Once they were all on the bus, they split off in different directions to ready themselves for bed. Kyo sat on the edge of his bunk and pulled off his sweater. Running his fingers over the back of his collar again, he found that the tag of his shirt had popped back out, and he let his hand hover there for a moment, basking in the memory of Die’s brief but gentle touch. He wanted more than anything to be able to just enjoy it, to say that whatever strangeness had occurred in the past few weeks was over now, and to be _happy_ about that. He wanted to forget how much easier it was to let Die hate him, and to know that now they were normal again.

But he was leaving tomorrow, and he had no idea what to expect when he met back up with Die and the rest of the band. He could only hope the work on his art exhibit would distract him enough that Die wouldn’t be the only thing on his mind for the next few days.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kyo has his art exhibit and it goes off (almost) without a hitch (?).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!!! I'm so sorry I haven't been able to update in ages aaah, but okay, hopefully I can be better about it. My internet has not been super reliable, so I'm still working on that.  
> I've been writing kind of a lot anyway, so there should be things going up regularly as long as I get more consistent internet connections...  
> Love love love~

Kyo rotated a bracelet on his wrist without looking at it, eyes flitting over the exhibit space one last time before he gave the staff the signal to open the doors. He tried to keep himself from pacing, instead moving close to one wall, staying out of the way as much as possible. He pulled his phone out of his pocket again, not even sure what he was looking for. No new messages, not that he was expecting any. He put the phone back in his pocket and closed his eyes, allowing himself to breathe more than he had in the past forty-eight hours.

Everything that had happened since he’d left the tour bus had been a blur. He’d only had enough time in Kyoto for a quick meal with family and a brief visit to one of his favorite temples, and then he’d hustled around doing his shopping for the band and staff, and that had been it. Die had still never specified anything he’d like, so Kyo had just gotten a few assorted sweets that he figured people could choose from, and Die would just have to be happy with whatever was left.

From there he’d taken a train to Osaka and hardly had time to drop his luggage at the hotel before he was at the art space, making preparations for his exhibit. Most of it had already been installed, meticulously as per his instructions, by the time he arrived. Still he’d been busy repositioning things and working on a complicated piece that branched out from one wall, casting significant shadows across the hanging photographs when viewed at different angles. Much as the work had kept him occupied, he hadn’t stopped checking his phone every chance he got, hoping for… well, for _some_ thing.

After Die had been acting normal again, he’d thought maybe, _maybe_ , they could go back to their easy way of talking, that Die might ask about his trip or… But no. He did however get some messages from Toshiya, including one that had made him laugh featuring a photo of a drawing Toshiya had done: a cartoon version of Kyo, cape flapping in the wind as he dramatically shielded Toshiya from a rather impressive little villain, clearly meant to be Toshiya’s ex. Toshiya had also sent a few updates as to how Die seemed to be acting in regards to Kyo’s absence, but as it was all speculation, Kyo had been trying to ignore those messages as much as possible.

This kind of work, he found, was more difficult to pour himself into as a type of distraction or coping mechanism, since there was no physical aspect to it. He could emotionally drain himself, but his mind and body would still be awake and active, only leaving him with more time to consider every detail of past and future exchanges with Die, or imaginary exchanges between Die and his girlfriend, now cast in Kyo’s mind as one of Toshiya’s cartoon villains, clearly trying to tear apart his and Die’s friendship. Not that he still had any proof of any such thing, but that didn’t stop his overstimulated mind from going over it again and again.

And now here it was, the night of the opening, and guests were filing in to share this experience that Kyo had worked so hard to create all around them. He kept to the shadows as much as he could, trying not to interrupt anyone’s perception. It was a while before his own perceptions were interrupted as Shinya and Toshiya found him easily and stood in front of him until he noticed them.

A grin appeared on his face as soon as he did and he let Toshiya pull him in for a hug. “You made it! Feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

“Of course we made it,” Shinya said, sounding ever so slightly offended. “You say it like we’re late.”

“You’re not,” Kyo said. His phone vibrated then and he pulled it out, almost too eagerly, nearly dropping it. It was a message from Kaoru, saying he’d had a meeting that ran long but he would be there soon. Kyo’s mouth twitched into a kind of smile as he said, “Kaoru, on the other hand…”

“Kaoru is running late?” Toshiya looked unreasonably pleased with this information. 

“At least he let me know,” Kyo said. He looked hesitatingly down at his phone, trying to will a similar text from Die to appear, but there was nothing. He bit the bullet and sent Die a text of his own, { _Hey, hope you’re still coming! The entrance to the exhibit can be a little tricky to find, so be sure to shoot me a message if you get lost or anything._ } Maybe it was kind of awkward, but it would have to do. If nothing else, it might remind Die to let Kyo know he’d decided to skip the event altogether.

“Nothing from Die?” Toshiya asked quietly.

“Nope!” Kyo said, looking up with a tight, insincere smile. “He didn’t say anything to you…?”

Toshiya shook his head. “We got into town kind of early. I think Kaoru had some interviews or meetings or something, so I went shopping with Shinya. I’m not sure where Die headed off by himself.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Kyo said quickly. “Please, look around. I want to hear your thoughts.” He stowed his phone and offered them a polite bow, gesturing them on to take a closer look at his work.

Kyo stayed where he was a while longer, until he felt impelled by his anxiety to walk around some, and wandered off to find some water. He was determined not to let himself obsess over the possibility (probability) that Die wasn’t going to show up. It was still a big deal to him, and yes, it would hurt if Die, as his friend and colleague, didn’t think the exhibit was worth attending, but at least Shinya and Toshiya had come and that really meant a lot to him. 

Plus there was always the chance that Die was still coming and just running late! Kyo checked his phone again, but there was nothing. He just felt like there was no predicting anything with the way Die acted these days. 

He finally found a staff member who eagerly went to find him a bottle of water, and while he waited for her to return, he spotted another familiar face.

“Kyo!” Gara was smiling widely as he approached him. “This is all incredible—not that I would expect anything less of you.”

Kyo ducked his head, chuckling. “Thank you.” He smiled as he looked back up at him. “It’s good to see you.” It was always nice to get to see Gara, almost more so when it wasn’t because they were working on something together. And shameful as it felt, it was nice to have Gara always looking so happy to see _him_. He worked hard at not letting their friendship be too one-sided, wanted to be sure he was giving Gara as much as he got from him, but it was hard to give as much _affection_ as Gara gave so freely. He openly near-worshiped Kyo, and it was hard to miss the light in his eyes when he so much as looked at him, but sometimes Kyo had to admit he took great comfort in that willing adoration.

“I was worried I wouldn’t be able to work it into my schedule,” Gara said. “But I was pretty set on coming, so I made it happen.”

“I appreciate that. I know how busy you keep yourself,” Kyo said with a shake of his head at the very thought. He was all too aware of how Gara had a tendency to work himself right into the ground, hardly taking time to _breathe_. He didn’t know how he could live like that.

“You’re one to talk. Aren’t you in the middle of a tour right now, but you’re here doing this?” Gara countered.

The staff member returned then with Kyo’s bottle of water and asked Gara if she could get him a glass of champagne, which he accepted politely.

“Speaking of tour,” Gara said then. “How’s it going? You only have what, a week left?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Kyo said. He hoped he could get away with not answering the rest of the question.

“And it’s going well?” Gara prompted.

Kyo felt himself nodding. “It’s been… interesting.”

“In what way?” 

Kyo was kicking himself now; he really shouldn’t have said anything weird at all. How hard was it to just smile and say everything was great? Hadn’t he learned anything from Die?

God, was that what he had learned from Die?

“I guess… as a band, we’d been a bit more social,” Kyo said carefully. “It’s affected our playing too, which is making it kind of different.”

Gara smiled at that. “You guys have been bonding? That’s great. Did they make it to the show tonight?” He looked around the space.

“Kaoru’s running late,” Kyo said. “Toshiya and Shinya should be around somewhere though.” His hand hovered over his phone in his pocket, itching to check for messages from Die again, but he left it.

“I’m glad to hear they’re supporting you. I know you would be just as supportive of any of them.”

Gara’s glass of champagne arrived just then and the staff member who brought it gave a little bow before walking off, leaving them to talk. They turned the subject to Gara and what he’d been working on lately. Kyo was, as usual, impressed by how much he was doing, how often he was performing, only slightly sorry that he didn’t have the energy to be so productive himself. 

After a while, they were interrupted again by Kaoru striding purposefully over, his hair somewhat windblown. 

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” Kaoru said right away. “I swear I did come as soon as I could.”

“It’s fine,” Kyo said, smiling at the sight of him. “You’re not really late anyway; it’s not like a performance where there’s a set beginning time. And I appreciated you texting to let me know you were coming.”

“Of course, I wouldn’t just leave you wondering,” Kaoru said, looking almost indignant at the suggestion.

“And that is a great thing about you,” Kyo said.

Gara and Kaoru exchanged greetings and some smalltalk about tour while Kyo finally pulled his phone out again and looked at his most recent text to Die. He considered texting again since it had been almost an hour by now, and had half a message typed out before he just held down the delete button and exited out of the messenger, shoving the phone back into his pocket. He wasn’t willing to give Die that kind of victory over him, making him all pathetic and desperate for Die’s attention. If he was going to come then he would come, and otherwise Kyo could be satisfied that all these other people cared about him.

Clearly a great deal more than Die did.

“Actually,” Gara said suddenly, pulling Kyo’s attention back to the people around him, “I didn’t get a chance to go in the listening room earlier since it was so crowded. I’ll find you again a little later.”

Kyo nodded, thanked him again for coming, and watched him walk away. Kaoru was still standing there, eyes wandering around the space curiously. 

“You’re welcome to go check things out, too,” Kyo said.

“I will, I will,” Kaoru said. “This is so impressive, Kyo. The atmosphere is so alive and so immersive… That scent, that’s your design too, isn’t it?”

“It is. I wasn’t sure people would notice—not that that’s really the point. But I did want it to be clear that this—“ he gestured vaguely—“is separate from whatever is outside the doors.”

“It’s unique,” Kaoru said approvingly. “I think you’ve made an experience here unlike anything someone would find elsewhere.”

Kyo could tell he meant it as a highest compliment and felt a surge of affection for Kaoru. Bowing slightly, he said, “Thank you. From you that means a lot.”

“I mean it,” Kaoru said. He put a hand on Kyo’s shoulder and it wasn't all that awkward. After a minute he let out a long breath and said, “Now I’m going to go experience it fully. I’ll be back.”

Kyo waved as Kaoru walked off and he found himself alone once more. He took some time to mill around, drinking his water, talking to a few people when they talked to him first. It was good. The response was what he wanted: people were somewhat uncomfortable, but clearly touched in some way by his work, the turn-out was good. And here he was, unable to properly enjoy it because some snarling little voice in the back of his skull couldn’t stop reminding him that Die hadn’t even deigned to shoot him a text saying he’d chosen not to come.

Shinya and Toshiya found their way over to him soon enough, both carrying glasses of champagne. 

They didn’t say anything at first, so Kyo raised his eyebrows. “Thoughts?”

“It’s dark,” Shinya said.

“It’s all very _you_ ,” Toshiya said.

“I can’t tell if either of those are meant as positives,” Kyo said, bemused.

“I know you won’t be making anything cute or lighthearted anytime soon, and this is moderately unsettling—I’m glad I didn’t try to bring my girlfriend and her daughter—but I didn’t dislike it,” Shinya said. “Toshiya’s right that everything here has you all over it, and there’s something… comforting in that. Although I doubt most people feel that way about it.”

“There are so many layers and intricacies,” Toshiya said. “I’m kind of blown away, but at the same time, I’m used to it because it’s you. I could never pull off a show like this; I can tell how much work you put into it.”

“I don’t know, you could have your own art exhibit. I’d go.” Kyo smiled. “I liked the one where I was wearing the cape.”

Toshiya snorted. “Bit of a different vibe.”

“We ran into Gara,” Shinya said abruptly.

“Oh, yeah, I talked to him earlier,” Kyo said, nodding.

“He’s so nice,” Toshiya said.

“He is. He’s really _nice_ ,” Shinya agreed.

“Yeah? He’s a good guy,” Kyo said.

“And he really likes you,” Toshiya said.

“And he _respects_ you,” Shinya added.

Kyo looked between the two of them, not so sure he liked where this was going.

“Having someone respect you and treat you well is important, Kyo,” Toshiya said hurriedly. “You can’t have missed those heart eyes Gara has when he looks at you, and don’t you think maybe—” He cut off at the unmistakable _stop talking_ look Kyo was giving him, and just stood there frowning.

“Why are you saying this now?” Kyo asked quietly. “What happened to ‘rooting for me’ and ‘wingmanning both of us at once’? Oh.” Kyo’s face dropped as he was struck with a distinctly unpleasant thought. “You know something.”

“I don’t know anything,” Toshiya said, quickly shaking his head. “I promise, I would tell you if I did.” He sighed then. “Frankly, I’m pissed at Die. I don’t even care what kind of bullshit excuse he has for how he’s been acting; this is important, and you can pretend it’s all fine, but I _know_ how much this means to you, and it _should_ mean a lot because it’s amazing, and you’re amazing and you’ve worked fucking hard on it, and _he_ knows what it means to you too, so as your bandmate and your friend, he should be standing right beside you. He should be here, telling you how fucking proud of you he is, like I am, like _Gara_ is, and instead—I mean has he even called?”

Kyo blinked a few times, a bit stunned by Toshiya’s sudden outburst. It wasn’t often that he lost his temper like this, and Kyo was kind of moved that it was on his behalf, but he also felt some level of guilt for being at least partially responsible for this unhappy reaction. “He hasn’t called, or texted. I haven’t heard from him since I left for Osaka,” Kyo admitted.

“I’m gonna tell him off. This is bullshit, and you don’t deserve it,” Toshiya said heatedly.

“Don’t,” Kyo said tiredly. “Just let it go, okay? I appreciate the sentiment, but I don’t want it to escalate. He’s being an ass, whatever, that’s just how it is.”

Toshiya looked like he wanted to argue more, but a loud buzzing signaled his phone receiving a text message and with a raised eyebrow, he retrieved it from his pocket. “Oh you’ve got to be kidding me,” he muttered.

Shinya raised an eyebrow. “Die?”

“Wait, he… he texted _you_?” Kyo asked.

“Yeah, he asked if I’m at ‘Kyo’s thing’ and says he’s on his way over,” Toshiya said. He worked his jaw for a moment. “I’m tempted to tell him to just fuck off.”

“What would that help?” Shinya said.

“Nothing,” Toshiya said. He texted back a generic affirmative instead, adding that the entrance to the exhibit was on the side of the building, in case Die might get lost.

Kyo had his phone out and was checking his own texts again, but there was nothing from Die that he had missed. “Why didn’t he text me?” he wondered aloud, feeling foolish as soon as it was out of his mouth. When was he going to get used to this already?

Shinya gave him a sad look and then said, “Let’s just be glad he’s on his way. We don’t know why he got held up, but at least he’s trying to make it over. Maybe he has a good excuse.”

Toshiya let out a short bitter laugh. “He’d _better_ have a good excuse, or _I’ll_ have a good excuse to—”

“Oh, my god, Kyo,” Gara interrupted suddenly, appearing seemingly out of nowhere. “Hearing you read your poetry like that—it’s so intimate and honestly kind of scary, and _wow_ , why don’t you do that more often, onstage or something?”

“Why don’t I… perform my poetry, onstage?” Kyo said, his head tilted. “I do that all the time, Gara.”

“But you sing it, and spoken it’s so _raw_ ,” Gara said.

“I think it depends on what I’m trying to express. I use different techniques for different works,” Kyo said thoughtfully. “Some poems are meant to be set to music, and others aren’t. There isn’t just One Way for all things.”

“That's a good point. And obviously music is necessary to express some things, you’re right,” Gara said. “I just want you to know how much your spoken words impacted me emotionally, as well.”

Kyo smiled a little dubiously. “You don’t have to be so serious about it. But thank you.”

“I wouldn’t say anything I didn’t think was true,” Gara said.

“I’m surrounded by all these good, honest people,” Kyo said.

"Where did Kaoru get to?” Gara asked then, looking around.

“Oh, Kaoru turned up?” Shinya said. “That’s good. Toshiya, you can take him off your hit list, at least.”

“Toshiya has a hit list?”

“Well, we’ll see how the rest of the evening goes,” Toshiya said.

Kyo spotted Kaoru walking towards them and scooted back to make a space for him in their little cluster. There was a nostalgia to it, five of them standing around together talking just for the social aspect of it. Five points on a pentagram.

Kaoru had that look on his face, lips pursed like he was taking great pains to decide what to say before it came out. Everyone else turned to look at him patiently. Finally he just said, “I would have expected nothing less from you, Kyo. I’m proud of the work you’ve done. I think it will reach people.” He nodded solemnly and then seemed to notice everyone else. “Where did you guys get champagne?”

Toshiya and Gara went with Kaoru to hunt down some drinks, promising to bring back another water for Kyo as well. 

“How are you doing, with everything?” Shinya asked, eyes steady on Kyo as the two of them were left alone.

Kyo rotated one of the bracelets on his wrist again and shrugged. “I’m pleased with the response so far. People seem to be getting something out of it, which is probably as much as I could ask for. I can’t tell them _how_ to feel, but as long as they feel something…”

“And the rest of it?”

Kyo frowned a little. “You mean Die, right?”

Shinya just tipped his head, looking at Kyo without judgment.

Kyo took his phone out of his pocket again, looked at the message he had sent to Die at the beginning of the night. The exhibit would be closing for the evening in less than an hour now, and Die _still_ hadn’t so much as texted him. He’d let Toshiya know he was running late, anyway, but… “I don’t know,” Kyo said, at length. “Maybe Toshiya is right to be so angry, maybe I should be too, but I’m just _tired_ , and I can’t feel anything about him that strongly anymore.”

“You let yourself feel and you get hurt,” Shinya said.

Kyo nodded. “I just want him to talk to me. And I don’t even know what I want him to say at this point. But I felt like he understood me so well, and now he’s just… gone.”

“It’s okay to grieve,” Shinya said. “Just so you know, I don’t think you deserve it. The way he’s been treating you is uncalled for, no matter his reasons for it.”

“Thanks,” Kyo said. “I tend to agree.”

“But I know you think you deserve it to some extent, too,” Shinya said. “And you don’t. I can understand wanting to give up on him, and I can also understand how hard it is to actually do. You don’t have to decide it all at once.”

Kyo looked down at the floor, smiling slightly. Even if he’d lost that easy connection with Die, Shinya did still have a way of understanding him better than most. He hadn't even had to tell Shinya his feelings for Die in order for him to accept them. Kyo wished he was better at showing his gratitude, as he found himself just nodding again.

“I love Die dearly,” Shinya said. “But if you do decide you need him taken out, fewer people would suspect me than Toshiya, after the fuss he just made about his hit list.”

Kyo’s eyes widened briefly at the casual homicidal offer, but he just took it as the show of loyalty that it was and smiled a bit more honestly at Shinya. “I’m sorry my work isn’t really appropriate for elementary schoolers, so you couldn’t bring your friend.”

Shinya waved off the apology. “After what happened last time one of us brought a girlfriend to meet the band, I’d like to make sure I plan it well and give everyone suitable warning anyway. Besides, I wouldn’t want you to make art that wasn’t honest, from yourself.”

Kyo couldn’t deny that Shinya had a point, but didn’t really get a chance to tell him so before the others were returning and Gara was saying loudly, “Look what we found wandering around!”

Kaoru had an arm around a somewhat uncomfortable-looking Die, who was apparently trying to wrap up a phone call he was in the middle of. Toshiya grimaced apologetically at Kyo, then nodded towards Die and rolled his eyes.

Kyo waited for Die to end his phone call before he attempted a smile. “Hey, Die! Glad you made it!” And it was true, he _was_ glad, almost in spite of himself. He was ready to wave off Die’s flood of apologies and excuses—but none came.

Instead Die just flashed a grin, saying, “Hey, yeah, great turnout!”

Kyo wasn’t sure how to respond other than to keep smiling and say, “Yeah, thanks.” It wasn’t exactly even a compliment. Die _could_ have complimented any number of things and it would have been appropriate, but what he chose to comment on was the turnout? And after showing up more than two hours late with no message, he wasn’t even going to say a simple _sorry_? It was so absurd, Kyo could hardly find it in himself to get _mad_ , which he supposed was probably for the best. He didn’t particularly want to start a screaming match or anything in the middle of his exhibit—although people might just take it as some type of performance art, which could be interesting.

Gara handed Kyo his water bottle and Kaoru the glass of champagne that he’d been carrying for him, and asked the band once again about how the tour had been going. Kaoru was quick to answer, starting in on a long comparison between the atmosphere of this and previous tours. Kyo took the opportunity to study Die a little, hoping to somehow read something telling in his body language, but there were no hints there that he could see.

They talked as a group a while longer, six now instead of five, as the exhibit started to gradually clear out, and Kaoru finally dragged Die off to look again at a particular set of photos that he’d been trying fruitlessly to describe earlier, before they would all be shooed out and have to return to their hotel for the night.

“I don’t know how you managed to miss them when you were looking at everything,” Kaoru was scolding him as they walked off. “You spend too much time on that phone…”

When they were gone Gara turned to Kyo, looking a bit serious, though he tried to cover it with a smile presently. “Hey, could I borrow you for a minute?” he asked, nodding towards where a low couch was positioned against the wall near the exit.

Kyo shrugged, and followed him. Glancing over his shoulder, he caught the encouraging gestures Toshiya and Shinya were giving him, and rolled his eyes.

“So,” Gara said, sitting down, “I hope it’s not weird for me to ask, but _what_ is going on with Die?”

“Ah,” Kyo said. He sat down too, and pulled his lips between his teeth, stalling for time as he tried to come up with an excuse for his own awkwardness.

“I don’t know anything about the situation, but from an outsider’s perspective? The way he is acting towards you is _seriously_ weird.”

“Yeah…” Kyo picked a little at where his pants were frayed around the hole in the knee. “Just towards me, specifically, right?”

“When we were all over there, he never looked at you,” Gara said. “I don’t know if you noticed, but he didn’t look at you, basically at all. He would look around at everyone else, but not you, even when you were talking. It was like he had some kind of Kyo-blinders on.”

Kyo scrunched his face up, scratched an itch over his left eye. He hadn’t actually noticed that particular quirk, but it wasn’t out of line with any of the other weird stuff Die had done, so he wasn’t exactly surprised to hear it. “He’s been… like this.”

Gara looked extremely disturbed by this. “He has? For how long?”

“Just since tour started,” Kyo said. “We’d been getting along really well before.”

“That’s not normal. The way he’s acting is not normal,” Gara said firmly. 

It was reassuring, in a way, to hear that Kyo wasn’t imagining Die’s weirdness, but he couldn’t take much comfort in it when it was still happening.

“You didn’t do anything to him?” Gara asked, leaning his elbows on his knees.

Kyo shrugged helplessly. “I don’t even know anymore. Not that I can remember, but he hasn’t talked to me really, so maybe there was something I just didn’t realize offended him so deeply. I thought things were getting better… Who knows anymore.”

Gara offered him a soft kind of look then. “Hey. You did something great tonight. Your work is amazing and people are being touched by it. Don’t let Die’s inconsistent personality distract you from that.” He patted Kyo on the back and stood up from the couch. 

Kyo waved him off. “You go ahead, I’ll be over to say goodnight in a minute.” He watched Gara walk back over to where Shinya and Toshiya were frowning, doing a rather poor job of pretending not to eavesdrop.

Kyo sighed as he sat there by himself a while longer. Everything for him had been leading up to this night for such a long time, and it had felt so important. Toshiya was right that it had been more important to him than he even wanted to admit, and Die’s nonchalance about it would have stung even if he _hadn’t_ been in love with him, and even if Die hadn’t been swinging him around by his emotions for the past month. The tour was almost over. Kyo was determined to get through the rest of it without any violent explosion that could cause peripheral damage to the band, and then, more likely than not, a serious confrontation would be in order.

In the meantime, he’d have to deal with the fact that he had a somewhat unreliable bandmate, and try to cope with that as best as he could. 

Feeling like he’d settled at least something for himself, he stood up from the couch and walked back over to the others, scrounging up just enough energy to tell everyone goodnight, and how much it meant to him that they’d come to support him. He bowed deeply as he thanked them again, then stood and smiled around at everyone with as much sincerity as he could muster. They all cleared out after that, heading back to the hotel Kyo had been staying in the past couple nights, and he felt relieved that he wasn’t sharing a room with anyone. He fully intended to savor his last moments of solitude before he had to return to the claustrophobia of the tour bus.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kyo feels awkward (is that not this whole fic?) and Kaoru is confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo! This is a short, quick update, and I feel like I should apologize because nothing really happens in this little chapter, but I leave for Osaka tomorrow (so I can actually seeee these guys in concert whaaat sorry I'm pretty psyched) and I wanted to at least post something in case I won't have another chance for a while. We are not quite at the end yet but it's finally kind of in sight.  
> I appreciate you all, as always!

Even after such a short time away, it felt a little strange to get back into the swing of tour life. Kyo couldn’t help but think he had no one to blame but himself for making things awkward within his band. Yes, it was Die’s behavior that everyone knew was the real cause of trouble, butKyo wasn’t able to shake the idea that he had triggered it, even unknowingly.

The day after his exhibit’s opening, he spent a long time in the dressing room with Toshiya, teaching him some things with makeup. “It’s basically just like you would draw anything, only it’s on your face,” he said, though he wasn’t sure how helpful that was, as he watched Toshiya try to apply something he had just demonstrated.

“Yes, but as we’ve discussed, you and I have pretty different drawing styles,” Toshiya said.

“I could give you makeup advice, too,” Kaoru offered from behind them, and Toshiya glanced at him over his shoulder.

“Yeah, I don’t think so. I’ve been down that road before,” Toshiya said. “On me, it just looks sort of… post-cry raccoon.”

“Is that not the look Kaoru’s going for?” Kyo asked with a little smirk.

“Oh, is that how it is?” Kaoru said. “Getting all superior about your face paint? Fine, I get it.” He was laughing even as he crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m gonna head out and see where we are with soundcheck. Thanks again, Kyo, for the nama yatsuhashi,” he said.

“Of course,” Kyo said, bowing slightly where he sat. “You’re very welcome!” He waved as Kaoru left their shared dressing room, and turned back to Toshiya, who seemed to be gaining confidence with some of the lines he was making.

“Did I thank you for the konpeito already?” Toshiya asked, one eye closed as he added another color to the lid.

“You did, a couple times,” Kyo said. 

“I just want to make sure you know you’re appreciated,” Toshiya said.

“You don’t have to make such a big deal of it,” Kyo said dubiously. All of the omiyage he’d given out had been well-received, and he didn’t doubt that everyone appreciated them plenty. He’d given Shinya his tea first thing in the morning, followed by all the staff members, then Toshiya and Kaoru, and now the only person he still had a gift for was, naturally, Die. All that was left after everyone else had chosen what they wanted was a small box of cookies, but Kyo figured Die had lost the right to be picky since he had refused to give any input as to what he’d like.

But Kyo had barely seen Die all day, and now he and Shinya were split off using the venue’s second dressing room, so the box of cookies was still sitting in Kyo’s bag on the chair next to him. He’d been trying not to think about it in any kind of daunting way. His attention was on Toshiya right now, and Toshiya deserved to have that attention without the incredibly loud worrying about Die in the background for once. Kyo leaned an elbow on the counter to better see how the other side of Toshiya’s makeup was coming along and smiled. 

“It looks good,” he said. “Better than I expected.”

“That’s kind of backhanded, isn’t it?” Toshiya said, lowering his brush to laugh.

“It’s true anyway that it looks good!” Kyo said, unconsciously glancing at the bag with Die’s cookies again.

“Well, thank you,” Toshiya said. “You know I think I’m good on my own for a bit if you have other stuff you want to get done before soundcheck. If I have a crisis and you’re not here to fix it, I’ll just rub my hands all over my face, smudge it up and pretend I did it on purpose.”

Kyo snorted, but took the hint and thanked Toshiya quietly before grabbing the cookies and going out into the hall towards the other dressing room.

It was ridiculous for him to have a knot in his stomach just walking down the hall to see his bandmate, but he never knew where he stood with Die and it felt like any understanding he _had_ had had been rapidly decreasing since the start of this tour, so here he was. He took a deep breath before knocking on the closed dressing room door.

Die’s voice answered, saying to come in.

Kyo turned the handle and pushed the door open with a quiet, “Excuse me,” and looked at where Die was currently leaning over the counter, looking in the mirror as he adjusted his hair. It made him miserable that he still found Die so _beautiful_ , even when he should be nothing but angry with him, and he stood staring for a moment at the soft way Die’s clothing draped over his shoulders, at his perfect profile as he failed to notice Kyo in the room.

Finally Die leaned back from the mirror and looked at Kyo, though he only held eye contact for a few brief seconds before looking away and starting to arrange some of the makeup he’d taken out of his bag. “Hey, Kyo. What can I do for you?”

Kyo held up the box of cookies somewhat awkwardly. “Just wanted to give you these, so they wouldn’t be sitting around in my bag.” He took a few steps towards Die and held the box out until he took it. “From Kyoto.”

Die turned the box in his hands, frowning slightly.

“I don’t really know if they’re something you’ll like,” Kyo said with a shrug. “You wouldn’t tell me what you wanted, so you ended up with whatever was left after everyone else picked theirs.”

“You brought something back for everyone?”

Kyo’s brow creased in a kind of skeptical confusion. “Yes? I mean, of course I did. I wasn’t going to leave you out of getting omiyage just because you’ve been acting like a jerk around me.” Well, he hadn’t really meant to say that, but now he just looked at Die, wondering how he would respond to the accusation.

Infuriatingly, Die just nodded. After a pause he looked up at Kyo and smiled. “They look good, thanks.” 

Kyo could tell there was nothing real about that smile at all and instinctively took a step backwards. He stood there for another minute, waiting to see if Die was going to say anything else, maybe finally apologize about how everything had gone down with Kyo’s art exhibit. He still hadn’t said _anything_ to Kyo about it, which was more bizarre than it was impolite at this point. Then again, they hadn’t seen each other most of the day, and it was an uncomfortable topic to start on without any lead-in. Kyo wondered if _he_ should bring it up, let Die know how much it had hurt him that he’d blown it off, but maybe their friendship wasn’t at a point where they could talk about such things openly anymore? 

Rather than saying more, Die just turned away to set the box of cookies down on the counter and picked up his eyeliner, effectively ending the interaction.

Kyo was tempted to slap the eyeliner out of his hand, to _force_ Die to _look_ at him and actually _see_ him, but instead he just let out a small huff of air and turned back to the door and muttered, “You’re welcome.” He glanced over his shoulder at Die once more before shaking his head and going back out into the hall.

_That’s just that, then_ , he thought as he went back to his own dressing room. There was nothing for it. Even when he was directly called on being a jerk, Die wasn’t going to say anything to defend or explain himself and Kyo couldn’t force him to change. He resisted the urge to just lie facedown in the middle of the floor and let the world continue on without him, trying to store the sadness and loss he felt away for future artistic use. He opened the door to his dressing room quietly enough that he managed not to interrupt the conversation Toshiya was currently having with Kaoru, who had his back to Kyo as he came in.

“I just think you should be careful with him,” Kaoru was saying. “I know you aren’t gay.”

“No, I’m not, but… I think you’re confused,” Toshiya said, not apparently noticing Kyo either.

“I’ve seen how you are together,” Kaoru said. “Kyo is… sensitive. I just don’t want to see him getting hurt because you’re leading him on.”

“That is… _so_ not what is happening,” Toshiya said, clearly trying not to laugh at the absurdity of it.

“Maybe you’re just too close to realize it,” Kaoru said, a sadness in his voice. “But haven’t you seen how down Kyo has been lately, how he’s pushing us all away? I don’t want to be the one to tell you, but I’m pretty sure he has _feelings_ for _you_.”

Now Toshiya actually snorted. “Oh, Kaoru. You are just incorrect. I’m sorry, but that’s not what’s going on at all.”

“Are you sure?” Kaoru said.

“I’m pretty sure,” Kyo said then, too amused by the conversation to keep quiet any longer. 

Kaoru’s eyes widened as he turned to see Kyo there. “Kyo! We were just talking about… um…”

“Yeah, I heard what you were talking about,” Kyo said. “But I can assure you, Toshiya is not leading me on in any way.”

Kaoru looked honestly a bit surprised. “Oh! Really?”

“Really,” Kyo said. “It’s not a thing. No offense, Toshiya, but you are not the object of my affections.”

“I think I’ll survive the heartbreak,” Toshiya said with a smirk. 

“Well, then,” Kaoru said, looking between the two of them, somewhat confused. “I’m embarrassed.”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s true that I’m much closer with him than I usually allow myself to be with people,” Kyo said, patting Kaoru’s shoulder comfortingly. “I can see how you might misread that.”

“But your take is far from reality,” Toshiya added.

Kyo looked over at him and smiled as he properly took in Toshiya’s completed makeup. He’d mostly done embellishments around his eyes, going for a kind of asymmetrical thing that sprawled down one cheek; it was pretty different from what Kyo usually did himself, but it didn’t look half-bad. “Your makeup looks great, by the way. Kaoru, doesn’t his makeup look great?”

Kaoru made a face, shrugged, and then nodded. “I don’t know what the intended outcome for it was, but I like it. It’s so different from your usual look.”

“Thank you,” Toshiya said, uncertainly. “I feel like everyone’s comments on my makeup end up being backhanded.”

“I said it was great!” Kyo said. “I can’t be held responsible for Kaoru’s insensitivity.”

“I’m on a roll today, aren’t I?” Kaoru said, pushing his hand through his hair. “First lecturing Toshiya on a situation that didn’t exist between him and you, now saying clearly the wrong thing about the makeup… I’m gonna go out for a smoke.” He offered them both a grim smile and excused himself.

“Poor Kaoru,” Toshiya said once he left. “I feel kind of bad that he’s so out of the loop.”

“I almost feel bad, too,” Kyo said. “But not really enough that I want to explain the whole Die thing to him. It’s probably not even a thing anymore anyway.”

“You took him his omiyage?”

“I did.”

“And?” Toshiya prompted, pulling out the chair next to him for Kyo to sit. “What did he say about the whole shafting you at the exhibit weirdness?”

“Nothing,” Kyo said, sitting rather heavily in the chair.

“Nothing?”

“ _Nothing_ ,” Kyo said again. “When are you going to get used to this? He’s not _talking_ to me. He’s not explaining anything, we’re not friends anymore, and I think I have to just accept that.” But Kyo was only speaking half-truths now because he knew perfectly well that he was hoping it was just some tour thing, that when they got back home, everything would go back to how it had been, and he would get Die back, as he’d had him before.

“I’m sorry!” Toshiya said quickly. He paused and then said, “You know, tour is almost over.”

Kyo nodded. “I’ve never been more relieved.” He laughed shortly. “It’s funny because I was so excited for tour to start before. I had so many ideas about how it would go, and how good it would be to have all this time with Die… Fucking stupid.”

Toshiya frowned. “You’re not stupid. None of us could have known he’d start being like this. I’m hosting the after party at my place when we get home. You’ll come, right? Since it’s at my house you’re welcome to hide in my guest room most of the night if you want, only interact with people as much as you feel like, but…” he shrugged. “Even if Die’s been a jerk this tour, it’s been nice for me to get closer to you. I’d like you to come because I like having you around.” 

“I’ll go, of course,” Kyo said with a sad sort of smile. “I doubt I could wiggle my way out of it even if I wanted to, but I’d go just to hang out with you anyway. I’m glad to call you my friend.” He shrugged too, feeling awkward saying anything even so mildly affectionate out loud. “Thanks for being here for me and everything.”

“That won’t change with the tour ending,” Toshiya assured him.

“Good to know,” Kyo said.

A voice came over the monitors in the room calling them to the stage for soundcheck, and they both stood, Toshiya pulling Kyo in for a quick, tight hug before heading out of the dressing room. Kyo clung to this thread of comfort, that even after all the shit with Die, in the end he would have absorbed the pain and grown stronger from it, with an unfailingly supportive friend in Toshiya at his side. If nothing else, it was something to pull out as a reminder when his thoughts turned dark.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the band returns from tour and Kyo has about as good a time at a party as could be expected.

Kyo didn’t make any further attempts to hash anything out with Die during the remainder of the tour. In a way it wasn’t that different from how they had been before they’d ever started talking all that time ago, except for the distinct feeling of _loss_ Kyo now carried. He thought of maybe trying to contact Heather, explain to her that he wasn’t a threat at all, that he was more than willing to respect her relationship with Die—he just wanted his _friend_ back. But he imagined how bizarre that would look if she really hadn’t had anything to do with it and Die had just chosen for whatever reason of his own to ostracize Kyo. It wasn’t like he could just ask Die for her number anyway.

Nevertheless the final shows of the tour went as well as they ever did. Kyo had no trouble at all drawing on his emotions, though he was careful to keep himself in check enough to keep from doing any actual damage to himself onstage. Toshiya even stopped trying to bring up the subject of Die, apparently catching on that it was something Kyo wanted to be done with. Shinya, on the other hand, did, a couple times, show Kyo something Gara had posted on social media, rather pointedly. Kyo was relieved when they were at long last wrapping up the encore on the last live of the tour, waving and smiling wholeheartedly at the audience. He loved being up there and giving his all performing, but this tour had left him more emotionally exhausted than most and he couldn’t be sorry that it was over.

When he returned to the dressing room after showering, he found Kaoru, Toshiya, and Die discussing the party at Toshiya’s place.

“Everyone has to bring stuff, obviously,” Toshiya said. “I’m not going to have time to get it all ready on my own. I’d say give me an hour’s head-start and then everyone can come on over.” He shrugged guiltily. “Sorry that’s not as clean-cut as we usually have things planned for us. I don’t have a memo printed out with start and end times.”

Kaoru laughed. “I think we can manage.” He checked the time on his phone and then kept it out, going about checking his email. “Die, you bringing that girlfriend of yours?”

Toshiya’s brows lowered immediately and he looked like he was about to say something, but Die beat him to it.

“Nah, she’s out of town for work, actually. Gets back on the weekend,” Die said, with that same easy smile as always. “Otherwise I would; she really enjoyed meeting you guys.”

Kaoru nodded. “That’s too bad. Bring her around again sometime though, won’t you?”

“I will, yeah,” Die said. He zipped a pocket on his duffel bag and threw it over his shoulder. “I’m gonna go say hey to my cat before the shindig. An hour, yeah, Toshiya?”

It was only with the slightest bitterness that Kyo noted Die’s concern for getting to _Toshiya’s_ event on time.

Toshiya pursed his lips and nodded shortly. “Otsukaresama.”

“Otsukaresama deshita,” Die echoed, bowing. He caught Kyo’s eye as he turned to leave the dressing room but didn’t say anything to him before walking out.

“Kyo!” Toshiya said brightly as Kyo came more fully into the room, heading for his station at the counter. “Did you want to hit your place before the party? You were gonna crash at my house right?”

“Ah, right,” Kyo said, cramming clothing into his bag without much care. “I hadn’t really thought on it.

“Wait, he’s staying over at your house?” Kaoru said, looking up from his phone with a quirked eyebrow.

Toshiya gave him a look. “It’s _not a thing_ , Kaoru.”

“Okay, okay!” Kaoru raised his hands defensively in front of him. “Anyway I’m going to get going. I’ll bring things for the party, and thank you again for hosting. I’m sorry we didn’t have it planned more well in advance.”

“No problem,” Toshiya said. “It just might not be the level of elegance you’re used to in your glamorous rock star life,” he added with a grin.

“Again, I think we can manage,” Kaoru said. He bowed to them both, and, with a final “Otsukaresama deshita” that they returned, was out the door.

Kyo looked around the room now, checking for anything he’d forgotten. “Shinya left already?”

“Yeah, he kind of bolted as soon as he was allowed to,” Toshiya said. “I think he was eager to bathe in the comfort of his own home.”

“That’s fair,” Kyo said, nodding as he finished zipping everything on his bag. “I don’t think I need to swing by my place, as long as you don’t mind me bringing all my stinky tour stuff into your guest room.”

Toshiya snorted at that. “I’m sure it’s no worse than mine. You can do a load of laundry at my house too, if you want. I’m definitely going to start one first thing.”

“Thanks, I’ll probably take you up on that,” Kyo said with a grateful smile. Despite working with words every day, he didn’t really know how to express to Toshiya how much he appreciated everything he’d done for him. Even something as casual as letting him do stay and do laundry after a party was more than he was generally used to in his friendships. He tried to let it be known somehow by taking off his glasses, offering a small moment of naked eye contact.

Toshiya didn’t hold the eye contact for long, but he smiled and put an arm around Kyo’s shoulders, giving him a squeeze. “You’re always welcome, Kyo. Now let’s get out of here; I’ve gotta make sure the place is presentable before guests start arriving.”

 

One relatively quiet cab ride later they were pulling up at Toshiya’s townhouse. It was, as Kyo had known, quite near his own home, but stylistically it was very different. In addition to being more spacious, as it would need to be in order to host a gathering of any size really, it was less traditional, with plush carpeting instead of tatami mats, and a stainless steel refrigerator that dwarfed the rest of the kitchen kind of strangely.

As soon as they got inside Toshiya went to start his laundry. “Anything you want me to throw in with this first load?” he called as he walked down the hall.

Kyo was still getting his boots off in the genkan. “No, that’s all right! I don’t think I have anything too pressing, but thanks.” He heard the washing machine start filling a moment later.

“Shit,” Toshiya said, coming back into the hall. “I don’t have anything to serve.”

“You told people to bring stuff, right?” Kyo said, stepping up into the hall as well, his duffel bag slung across his body.

“But I have _nothing_.” Toshiya rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. “Okay. I’m going to run over to the conbini on the corner just to get a couple things. Can you stay here and pick out some music to put on, maybe straighten up the living room if it needs it?” He paused thoughtfully. “Unless _you_ want to run to the conbini, and I could stay in case people show up earlier than I expect?”

Kyo shook his head. “Either way, but you probably have a better idea about what you want from the store.”

“Right, good point,” Toshiya said. “Guest room is right here, across from the laundry.” He gestured down the hall. “Sure you’ll be okay here? I’ll be right back.”

“Go, go,” Kyo said, shooing him past. Once Toshiya had slipped some shoes on and hurried back out the front door, Kyo went into the guest room and dropped his bag on the bed, taking only a minute to sit down himself. He rubbed at his eyes and tried to mentally prepare himself for the upcoming social interaction. Toshiya had offered to let him just hide out in the room the whole evening, but he knew it wouldn’t go unnoticed if he did, and he’d just as soon not be the subject of more gossip than necessary.

He closed the door behind himself as he went back into the hall, moving towards his appointed living room task. It didn’t take him long to find Toshiya’s CD collection, shelved a bit haphazardly near his stereo setup. He started going through it, pulling out albums he thought seemed suitable and setting them in a stack. Once he had what he deemed a fair assortment, he turned to the rest of the room to see what needed tidying. Somehow he didn’t mind this kind of mundane activity; it seemed so restful after a month of being on tour. Kyo let his mind wandervaguely over all the things he liked about being back home while he moved some stacks of paper from the coffee table to an empty clear file he found on a bookshelf and carried a couple empty glasses to the kitchen. 

As he worked he tried to keep his mind from getting back to Die. It was always where his thoughts seemed to end up and he didn’t totally know how to stop that from happening, but he was trying to get past obsessing over Die’s behavior when there wasn’t a thing he could do to change it. Some tiny voice kept chirping hopefully that maybe now that tour was done Die would be normal again, that maybe Kyo could handle Die’s weirdness if he knew it was just a tour-time thing. He frowned as he picked up a rumpled blanket that was half-strewn across the couch and shook it out, displeased at where his thoughts had taken him yet again. He folded the blanket and was arranging it to drape over the back of the couch when a knock sounded at the front door.

Kyo figured that Toshiya had probably forgotten his keys in his rush to leave and, after a quick approving glance at the state of the living room, went to answer it.

Surely he should have been expecting it, but in reality, when he yanked the door open and found Die standing there, grocery bag full of booze and snacks in one hand, Kyo’s stomach dropped out of his body and all he could do for a moment was stare.

Die, for his part, looked pretty darn uncomfortable as well. “Kyo,” he said. He looked past him into the house beyond. “…Where’s Toshiya?”

Kyo took a couple steps to the side to let Die in. “He ran to the conbini. I thought you would be him just now, coming back.”

“Ah,” Die said. He came in and set his grocery bag on the step while he took off his boots. 

Kyo couldn’t think of anything to say as he closed the door behind him, and _why_ did it have to be so _awkward_ between them? How had it even gotten like this? It had been so easy before to talk to Die, about anything and everything, and now even a short conversation like this had Kyo feeling sick to his stomach. He wondered if now was a good time to confront Die again, while no one else was around—but maybe creating that kind of tension immediately before a party would be selfish and he opted against it. 

“We hadn’t gotten anything set up yet, for drinks and everything,” Kyo said starting to walk backwards towards the kitchen. “Want to see if you can help me find a card table, somewhere to put ice…?”

Die nodded and picked up his bag, following Kyo to the kitchen with it. 

They were oddly silent as they got everything arranged. They found a small table folded up between the counter and the cart holding the microwave and Die set it out at the edge of the kitchen tile. Kyo got a bucket with a lid and a scoop out of one of the cupboards near the sink and started empty ice trays into it, sneaking glances over at Die all the while, trying to sort out his own feelings. 

Did he still love Die? Could he love someone who acted the way Die had been acting? Surely it would be more appropriate to hate someone like that. Where was his sense of self-preservation anyway?

He brought the ice over and put it on the table along with a stack of disposable cups he’d found in the same cupboard, and Die looked up from the drinks and _smiled_ at him. 

And yep, he was definitely fucked-up enough to still be in love with Die.

Kyo was about to say something, though he hadn’t quite yet worked out exactly what, when they heard the front door and the sound of Toshiya calling out as he got his shoes off. “Kyo? Are you around somewhere? I realized I completely forgot about getting out something to put drinks out—” He came around the corner and Kyo stepped back to better display the drinks table they’d set up. Toshiya’s eyes went wide as he saw Die.

“It’s all under control,” Die said. “No worries!”

Toshiya looked like he disagreed, but only barely let his eyes flick to Kyo before turning fully to Die and handing over his own bags from the conbini. “Great, thanks. So nice of you to be on time, Die,” he said with just a hint of sharpness.

“Yeah, I am a little early, huh?” Die said, starting to put Toshiya’s drinks alongside his own. “Sorry about that.”

Kyo pursed his lips, not sure what to make of the fact that Die obviously didn’t have a problem apologizing to Toshiya, though he still had yet to say a thing to Kyo about how he’d basically missed his whole art exhibit in favor of… whatever the hell he’d been doing.

Toshiya patted Die on the back, made to look like it was friendly, but was honestly a bit harder than was strictly necessary. “I forgive you this time!” he said with a smile that would have made Kyo very nervous had it been directed towards him. Turning towards the living room, Toshiya spread his arms. “Ah, it looks great. Kyo, thank you for helping me get everything ready. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He reached for Kyo, somewhat pointedly wrapping an arm tight around his shoulders, and leaning down to kiss the top of his head.

Kyo made a face and pushed him away, laughing, “All right, all right, you’re welcome!” He wasn’t sure how he felt about this brand of passive-aggressiveness, but he glanced over at Die just to check his reaction, and found him frowning, attention apparently on the phone in his hand. 

It didn’t take long after that for other guests to arrive and Kyo was quick to get himself out of the middle of the room, trying to keep attention off himself as he leaned against the wall by where the music was playing and minded his own business. He’d look up to greet people when they came over, but he wasn’t interested in engaging too much, and luckily enough other people were there that no one seemed especially set on dragging him into the fray. Even Toshiya, though he checked up on Kyo every so often to make sure he was doing okay, didn’t try to force him to be more social than he felt like being.

After a while, Kyo wandered off to check on Toshiya’s laundry, since he figured he’d probably forgotten about it. He set the machine to go through its spin cycle and came back out to the living room, heading to the drinks table, and finding, to his surprise, Die standing off by himself, watching the rest of the party with a distant kind of expression on his face. Kyo poured himself a coke and moved with the slightest hesitation to stand next to Die.

Die didn’t say anything and a few minutes passed before Kyo finally cleared his throat and offered up a perfectly neutral, “So! Tour’s over. Got any plans for our time off before rehearsals start up again?”

Die frowned and shook his head, didn’t even look at Kyo as he said, “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“I… okay,” Kyo said, feeling a bit defeated. He chewed at his lip and then made another attempt. “How’s your cat?”

“Fine,” Die said. And just like that he was moving off to talk to someone else, leaving Kyo standing alone at the edge of the kitchen.

_Well_ , thought Kyo. _That was just rude._ He walked, frowning, back into the main part of the living room, hovering by where Shinya was talking to a few other people, just to feel like he was close to someone who wanted to be around him. He thought fleetingly that he wished Gara was there.

He tried to remember what Toshiya had said what seemed like forever ago, that Die _wasn’t_ an asshole, that he must have some reason for acting the way he was. It sure didn’t look that way to Kyo now. Sure, he’d been blowing him off for a while, but now they were at a party for _their band_ and he was just being a dick, and if he did have a reason for it, it sure wasn’t one he was making known.

His mind went back even further, to his initial discovery that Die had more negative emotions than Kyo knew, that he just hid them behind jokes and shining smiles. Where was all that now? Die wasn’t even pretending with Kyo anymore; he was just treating him like dirt.

Kyo frowned as he sank more into himself. Maybe it wasn’t Die that was in the wrong somehow. Maybe Kyo _was_ dirt, and deserved to be treated that way. Wasn’t he always the one throwing himself some kind of self-destructive pity parties, and now as soon as someone else responded the same way he was going to act all offended? Die probably had all kinds of things in his life that Kyo couldn’t understand, and he _knew_ that Die was a good person, much better than he could hope to be, certainly less selfish. Maybe it wasn’t Die who was out of line at all.

Kyo was shaken from his mental maelstrom by Shinya lightly prodding his shoulder, his eyebrows tilting up curiously.

“What?” Kyo said, unsure if he’d missed a question that had been addressed to him.

Shinya shook his head. “Just checking that you’re there and okay.”

“Kind of,” Kyo said with a shrug.

“I’m going to grab a drink. Want me to get you anything?”

“Water?”

Shinya nodded and moved off, and Kyo looked down, realizing he’d finished off his coke without even noticing. He went to put the empty disposable cup in the trash bag with the others and met back up with Shinya, who was carrying two bottles of water. 

“It’s so crowded in here,” Shinya said. “Want to sneak upstairs?”

“I don’t want to look like I’m ditching,” Kyo said.

Shinya considered this for a moment, then started up the stairs. Halfway up he stopped and sat down on the steps. “Here. This way we’re still at the party, we’re just spreading out a ways.” He waited for Kyo to follow his lead and handed over his water bottle once he’d taken a seat.

“Thanks,” Kyo said. He stretched out one leg and leaned his elbows on the step behind him. “It’s nicer up here, too. It was getting pretty warm.”

“Too many people,” Shinya said. He took a long drink from his own water and then turned to Kyo. “So what’s on your mind that’s got you looking so… dark?”

Kyo shrugged again. “Me, mostly. Wondering why I’m such a selfish prick and how I manage to delude myself into thinking I’m anything else.”

Shinya blinked at him. “Kyo, what… Is this about _Die_?”

“Sort of, indirectly.”

“Indirectly how?”

“Just kind of realized he’s the only person who knows basically everything about me… So he sees me for what I am, treats me accordingly,” Kyo said, opening his water and turning the lid between his fingers. 

“Accordingly.”

Kyo swallowed a mouthful of water and clarified, “Like shit.”

Shinya’s face dropped in a way that was actually a bit scary. “Kyo.”

Kyo avoided answering by drinking more water, downing almost half the bottle in one go.

“You know that’s not true. You don’t deserve to be treated that way,” Shinya said, his voice low and serious.

“Don’t I?” Kyo said. “Who am I kidding? The fans know it, they want to see me bleed; maybe you don’t remember some of the colorful pieces of hatemail I’ve gotten over the years reminding me that I’d be better off dead, but they tend to stick with me; Die’s just showing he knows it too.” Kyo gestured helplessly. “I’m worthless. It’s fine. I accept that. I don’t know why I walk around trying to claim I’m something else.”

Shinya’s fist clenched and unclenched, and for a moment Kyo thought he was going to hit him, but instead he let out a long breath. “You are not worthless. No one here thinks that. None of the people you reached in the live tonight think that. If you think that, it’s just because your mind… works too hard and too fast and doesn’t pay enough attention to how it gets to where it’s going. Die is making you feel this way because he is behaving badly, and it is not your fault.”

Kyo finished off his water bottle, twisted the plastic in his hands, listening to the satisfying crackle of it, only half-hearing what Shinya was saying. Shinya snatched the bottle from him and tapped the top of Kyo’s head with it.

“Hey. Are you listening to me? It’s not. Your. Fault,” he repeated, looking hard at Kyo’s face. He handed the empty bottle back.

Kyo twisted it in his hands again, nodding because he knew he was supposed to.

“I’m not going to ruin the party, but I’m going to be speaking to Die later,” Shinya said. “I already told him once that he should be more aware of how his actions impact the people around him, but now we’re going to have to have a longer conversation.”

Kyo could tell by the peculiar way his jaw moved that Shinya was significantly pissed off, far more than he usually let himself get, and found himself feeling sorry for Die. His impulse was to _defend_ Die, to call Shinya off and not make such a big deal of it, but at the same time, he didn’t want to get in Shinya’s way when he went all terrifying like this, so he just said nothing. They sat without speaking as Shinya drank his water, the sound of crackling plastic loud between them. 

Eventually Kyo grew tired of twisting the bottle and started bouncing it on the palm of his hand, seeing how many times he could do so before it fell. Shinya watched him blankly, and when at last the bottle bounced too high and went tumbling down the stairs, Shinya passed Kyo his own empty bottle so he could try again.

The second bottle followed the first, bouncing against Kyo’s hand until it went clattering gracelessly down the steps, rolling to a halt right at Die’s feet where he stood at the bottom of the stairs, watching his bandmates disapprovingly. Kyo hadn’t noticed him there, but felt strangely unembarrassed to have been caught doing something so pointless.

Die bent, frowning, to pick up both the plastic bottles. “You’re the one throwing these down the stairs?” he asked, looking up at Kyo.

“Yeah,” Kyo said, unconcerned. “Toss ‘em back up here.”

Die only looked more irritable. “No, I’m not going to give them back just so you can throw them on the floor again.”

“I’m obviously going to pick them up later, but I was _using_ them right now,” Kyo said. He held out a hand. “Give them back.”

Die just shook his head, the same almost disgusted expression he’d had when Kyo had asked him about his post-tour plans on his face. He walked off with both bottles, presumably to put them in the recycling.

For some reason, this made Kyo _angry_. He could put up with a lot of mistreatment, but the way Die had _confiscated_ the bottles, the scolding look he’d given him, filled Kyo with a quiet rage. He didn’t at all care for being treated like a _child_ , especially by Die, whose behavior of late had been anything but mature. Kyo sat still on his step, deceptively calm, but such deceit was wasted on Shinya.

“Kyo,” Shinya said. “Relax.”

“I am relaxed,” Kyo said through gritted teeth.

“Come on,” Shinya said, standing up. He held out a hand to help Kyo up as well. “Back to the party. You can get a new water bottle if that’s what you want.”

“Who the fuck does he think he is?” Kyo burst out, surprising himself with the abruptness of it. 

Shinya looked almost amused. “ _This_ is what gets you angry? After everything he’s been doing to you, what really gets to you is him taking away your toys?”

“It’s none of his business,” Kyo said. “Where does he get off, coming barging in as he pleases, just to criticize however I’m living my life at the moment, and then going fluttering off again like he had no interest in actually being there??” Kyo was practically vibrating. “He doesn’t _get_ _to do that_! If he’s not going to be part of my life, he doesn’t get a _say_ in it!”

Shinya narrowed his eyes. “This is more than the water bottles, isn’t it?”

“It’s fucking everything!” Kyo said, struggling by now to keep his voice at a reasonable level. “I’ve just had it! Tour is _over_ so I don’t know what his excuse is now, and I’m just done putting up with it!”

A smile appeared suddenly on Shinya’s face, and he reached down and gripped Kyo’s wrist. “Good,” he said, and pulled Kyo to his feet. 

As they came down the stairs they almost ran into Toshiya who was lookingnoticeably tipsy by now. “I was just about to go looking for you!”

“We were on the stairs,” Shinya said. “What did you need?”

“We’re playing this card game!” Toshiya said. “You guys want in? I don’t really know how to play yet, but it seems fun!”

Shinya looked to Kyo, who was still blowing some metaphorical smoke from his nostrils, and then turned back to Toshiya. “Deal us in.”

Toshiya seemed pleased and went back to the table a few other guests were crowded around. They scooted aside to make two new spots at the table and Toshiya laid out the cards for them just as they made their way over and sat down.

Kyo was not at all happy to see Die sitting across the table from him, cards already in front of him, an uncharacteristically judgmental angle to his eyebrows. He only half-listened as Toshiya tried to explain the rules, frequently interrupted and corrected. Toshiya was giggling so much every time he made a mistake that Kyo didn’t get a sense of how to play the game at all. Apparently Toshiya had been drinking enthusiastically while Kyo wasn’t looking.

“I’ll just figure it out as we go along,” Kyo said, picking up the cards from the table in front of him. He slowly caught on as he watched the play move around the table, and he tried to keep his focus there instead of on Die.

Once the game was in action, Die seemed to be his most regular self, cracking loud jokes, tossing his hair, laughing and smiling with everyone—except when he deigned to look at Kyo, and his expression changed to something much more condescending. Kyo did his best to ignore it, to follow the game instead. When Die took it a step further, though, Kyo couldn’t really let it go past without reacting.

Someone else played a card right over one of Kyo’s that effectively knocked him out of the round and the table let out a collective, “Ohhh!!” as Kyo sank back in defeat.

“Now, you guys,” Die said, something like a sneer in his voice, “Don’t make Kyo feel too bad about it; we don’t need him working himself into a frenzy cramming another song about betrayal and the shallow laughter of society or some shit into our repertoire.” It wasn’t even a good one, but the table laughed nonetheless. “He’s just a sensitive guy, you know,” Die went on. “He’ll start crying up onstage and we’ll all think he’s in the moment, but really he’ll be thinking back to that time he lost at cards.” There was more laughter and Kyo was just staring at Die in bewilderment.

“The fuck, man?” Kyo said, somewhat softly.

Die’s smug expression seemed to falter for a brief second but then returned, and he called on the next player in the game to make a move.

Shinya cast a worried glance over at Kyo as he tossed his cards on the table and pushed himself to his feet. 

“Looks like I’m out of the round anyway,” Kyo muttered, and he went to check on Toshiya’s laundry again, just to have something to do. 

The machine was still spinning the clothes, but Kyo took advantage of the privacy the small room offered, taking slow, shaky breaths and trying to get himself under control before he went back out. He couldn’t get all his feelings totally in order. He was even more angry than he’d been earlier of course, but he was also more hurt than he’d felt in a good long while, and that healthy dose of confusion still lay over the top of everything, and he had no idea how to begin to deal with any of it. There was that feeling again, like he was being punished for something he couldn’t recall ever having done, and it all seemed to tie back to the discomfort of being treated like a child for no good reason he could find. 

After a while, he started to get worried about leaving Shinya out there with Die where who knows what he might say to him, and he made his way back out, trying his best to look nonchalant about the whole thing. To his surprise, the game had fizzled out and people were milling around more, drinking and talking. He noticed a few people gathering their things to leave; among them, to his simultaneous relief and dismay, Shinya.

“You’re going?” Kyo asked, though it was obvious Shinya was getting ready to go, as he buttoned his coat.

Shinya nodded. “We just got back from tour. I’m exhausted, honestly. You’ll be all right without me, won’t you?”

“Of course,” Kyo said, waving a hand. “Are you driving?”

“I’ll get a taxi,” Shinya said. “I’m still planning on talking to Die. I haven’t forgotten, but I won’t say anything to him if you’d really rather I didn’t.” He paused, waiting for Kyo to say something one way or the other, but he just stood there, lips pursed. “If you still want me to talk to him at the end of the night, just text me.”

Kyo agreed to that, thanked Shinya sort of ambiguously, and said goodnight, finally turning back to the living room as Shinya went about getting his shoes on. He headed over to where the music was playing, made sure he didn’t need to take out any more CDs. He had just started to organize Toshiya’s CD collection when Kaoru came in the back door from where he’d been smoking outside.

Kaoru smiled as he came towards Kyo. “I haven’t seen you all evening!” he said. “I was worried you’d just gone to bed early, since you said you were staying the night here.”

“No, I’ve been around,” Kyo said. He kind of _wished_ he’d turned in early, so he wouldn’t have had to interact with Die, but he hadn’t had the foresight.

Kaoru studied Kyo for a moment, watching as he shifted CDs around on the shelf, trying to sort them by genre first, then artist. “What’s this mood?” he asked bluntly.

“What do you mean?” Kyo said without looking up from what he was doing.

“Just what I said,” Kaoru said. “Something is clearly bothering you, but I can’t tell whether you’re sad or angry or just tired.”

Kyo debated how honest he felt like being with Kaoru, then shrugged. “All of the above.”

Kaoru nodded thoughtfully. “Is it because of the tour ending?”

Kyo wrinkled his nose in a dubious fashion. “I wouldn’t say that.”

“You’re not obligated to tell me things about your personal life,” Kaoru said. “That said… If you do ever need to talk about something… I think you might have a tendency to forget that I’m here for you.” Kaoru cleared his throat, shifting his stance slightly. “I’ve tried to remind you before that I care about you, not just in the context of the band, but as a person and a friend. If things are really troubling you, I hope you’ll remember you can come to me.”

An overwhelming wave of guilt threatened to crush Kyo as he finally turned to really look at Kaoru. He was horribly tempted to just tell him everything, or to at least tell him Die was a huge fucking asshole, but it was so complicated to explain, when he didn’t even have any answers himself. Plus every time he told someone about it, it felt so childish, all gossip and drama and he didn’t want to feed that. After a long pause he said, “I know. Thank you. If… If it gets to that point, I will talk to you about it.” What point that was, he wasn’t sure, but maybe he’d know it if he saw it.

Kaoru gave him an affectionate look, nodded again, and then walked off towards the drink table. Kyo watched him go before turning back to the CDs. He wondered what he could do to make things up to Kaoru after he’d left him out of everything that had been going on for so long. It was nothing personal, not that he didn’t trust Kaoru, or didn’t like him. He thought of Kaoru as family, honestly; he was practically a brother. He just couldn’t bring himself to burden Kaoru with his problems, issues he had probably created himself out of nothing, especially when it was all to do with their mutual friend and colleague. It didn’t seem like it was Kyo’s place to color Kaoru’s perceptions of Die without letting Die have a say in it, and he was too confused himself to give Kaoru a wholly accurate picture of the situation, he was sure. Maybe someday when he knew what the hell was going on, he could tell Kaoru about it as a funny anecdote. He let himself hope so anyway.

Toshiya approached him a short while later, wobbling a bit and looking at him with his head tilted. “Are you… alphabetizing my CDs?”

“Uh. Not if you don’t want me to be,” Kyo said. “They were just kind of all over the place, so I was tidying them up.”

Toshiya snorted. “That dull a party, huh?”

“No, no!” Kyo said quickly. He set down the discs he was holding. “Not dull. I just got distracted.” That wasn’t exactly untrue either. The party wasn’t dull; the company was just infuriating, and the CDs had indeed been a welcome, and fully intentional, distraction.

“Hm.” Toshiya tugged lightly on Kyo’s sleeve and went to flop down on the couch. 

He clearly expected Kyo to follow him, so he did. Kyo hesitated before sitting down on the couch sideways, and then Toshiya was pulling Kyo’s legs across his lap and sort of snuggling downward.

“What’s this, I’m a blanket now?” Kyo asked, half-smiling. He didn’t try to retract his legs.

“Mmhmm, you’re warm,” Toshiya said.

“You’re looking worn out,” Kyo said. He tried to get comfortable himself, nestling back against the arm of the couch.

“It’s late. We toured. I’m allowed to be tired,” Toshiya said with his eyes closed. “But you’re not supposed to say it shows.”

“Right, I forgot,” Kyo said. “You _look_ great, but you’re radiating an aura of exhaustion. That better?”

“Much,” Toshiya said. After a minute he said more quietly, “You know, Kaoru was asking about you again earlier, hadn’t seen you the whole night. I think he still suspects that your unrequited love for _me_ is what’s bringing you down.”

“I already told him it wasn’t, so I don’t know how much more I can do on that front,” Kyo said. “But I did talk to him just a bit ago. I know he just wants to help…” Kyo sighed, let his head fall back. “The time off now that tour is over is something I’m going to greatly enjoy.”

“Like you ever stop working,” Toshiya said.

“I’m not claiming I’ll be idle,” Kyo admitted. “Just that I can be… alone.”

Toshiya cracked his eyes open. “Is that what you want?”

Kyo pursed his lips as he thought about it. It wasn’t what he wanted, really. He _wanted_ to be the kind of person who could have friends and trust them and give them the affection they deserved. He wanted to be there for the people who were there for him. He wanted Die to be _among_ those people. There was a lot he wanted, and none of it really had to do with being by himself, and yet he didn’t know any other way to feel like he had control over anything, and wasn’t it a lot safer to keep control where you could?

When Kyo didn’t answer, Toshiya said, “I just mean, I was hoping we’d still hang out…”

This time Kyo didn’t get a chance to respond before a shadow was falling over the two of them and he lifted his head to see Die standing in front of the couch.

“All right, losers, I’m heading out,” Die said. “Get up so I can hug you.”

Toshiya grunted and pushed at Kyo’s legs so he could stand.

Kyo, on the other hand, had a loud resurgence of his anger at Die, and thought he felt rather like hitting him more than hugging him. He got up from the couch too, but while Die was hugging Toshiya, he walked off and found Kaoru was on the phone getting a cab, his jacket in one hand.

When he hung up, Kaoru offered Kyo a smile. “They’ll be here in five minutes.”

Kyo nodded.

Kaoru pulled his jacket on, looked like he was considering something, and said, “You were brilliant on tour. You always are, but I never get tired of watching you perform.” Tossing his hair back from his face he added, “Even when we have our difficulties and disagreements, it is a pleasure to work with you.”

“The feeling is mutual,” Kyo said, bowing gratefully. “I hope you know that even if I don’t unload personal stuff on you, I appreciate the offer. I know you’re there and it means a lot to me. I’m just not great at saying it.” He rubbed at his hair, feeling awkward.

“As long as you know you have my support,” Kaoru said. Somewhat stiffly he took a couple steps forward, putting his arms around Kyo for a hug and patting him on the back.

Kyo returned the hug as best he could, not totally able to hide his amusement at Kaoru’s discomfort with his own display of affection. Pulling back from the embrace Kyo squeezed Kaoru’s shoulder briefly. “Get home safe. I’ll see you soon.”

Kaoru nodded as he turned to get his shoes on, then waved and called out a goodnight and thank you to Toshiya before heading out the front door.

Kyo was distracted enough that he didn’t realize Die was right by his shoulder again, and before he could get a single sound out, he was being hugged tightly, _squeezed._

“You can’t get away from me that easy,” Die said quietly, a smile in his voice.

Kyo was at a loss. _He_ couldn’t get away from _Die_? He was torn between wanting to throw Die off of himself and pull him closer. He desperately wanted this contact; he’d missed it so much, and yet now it felt almost manipulative, something to placate his anger at how Die had been treating him all night.

All too soon Die was moving away and turning to put on his boots without another word. Kyo stood there, too stunned to say anything else, and then Die flashed him a smile and walked out the door.

Perhaps five seconds passed before the rage bubbled up in Kyo again and allowed him to shove his own boots on his feet and wrench the door open.

“You’ve got a lot of nerve,” Kyo said heatedly as he stepped outside. 

Die turned towards him, surprise painting his flawless features. “Excuse me?”

“It’s real cute,” Kyo went on, now that he’d gotten started, “Almost funny, how you try to pull something like that on me after how you’ve been acting. _Almost_ funny, but not quite.”

Die only took a few seconds to look shocked before he faced Kyo fully. “You mean kind of like it’s _almost_ funny how you practically ran out of the fucking room just so you wouldn’t have to hug me?”

There was a brief sense of relief as Kyo saw that Die was actually going to fight back, not just stand there and ignore it away. It faded quickly as Kyo realized he was going to be _arguing_ with him. “Are you serious with this?” Kyo said in disbelief. “You’re gonna act all pissed over me skipping out on _one hug_ when you’ve barely said two words to me in the past _month_?”

“What are you talking about?” Die sneered. “We’ve been on tour, we’ve seen each other _every day_.”

“We _see_ each other, onstage or in passing, but you haven’t _talked_ to me!” Kyo said.

Die’s jaw worked back and forth. “So it wasn’t talking to you when I told you—even though I didn’t _want_ to talk about it—about my family friend, Haruko, and how much she inspires the guitar playing I do even to this day?”

Kyo let out something like a growl in frustration. “Of course it was, and yes, congratulations, you’ve managed to pick out the _one time_ when you were acting normal towards me for more than five minutes during the _entire tour_!” He glared at the ground, trying to bury the guilt that Die’s hurled comment had spattered across him. “And you say it like it’s my fault you told us about her. No one _forced_ you to talk about it.”

“Right, it just didn’t count as ‘talking’ to you,” Die said. “Or it just wasn’t good enough because it wasn’t _more_. Is that it? Am I not _allowed_ to have a life outside of hanging out with you? What, you need _constant attention_?”

“God, no,” Kyo said, screwing his eyes shut. How was this getting away from him so much? How did Die know exactly all the most hurtful things to say, the things that played on Kyo’s insecurities the most? Hadn’t Kyo himself given Die all the tools to destroy him? Opening his eyes again he said,“I don’t need constant attention, I just… want to know _why_ you were acting like a huge bag of dicks the whole tour besides that one night!”

Die’s mouth opened and closed, and then his face got even darker. “I thought we were friends.”

“SO DID I!” Kyo half-shouted.

“We went to that concert together,” Die said. “We talked about everything, we talked every _day_ —”

“Which is why I’m so confused!! All that was _before_ tour started, and since then, you’ve acted completely differently towards me,” Kyo said. “And you fucking _denied_ it, but everyone has noticed, the band, even _Gara_ asked me what your deal is but I didn’t have any answers for him—”

“It’s not enough of a sign of friendship that I told you things…” Die shook his head. “I told you things I haven’t told _anyone…_ I _trusted_ you.”

“I know,” Kyo said. He sighed. “And that… you don’t know what it meant to me. I don’t have that many friends, certainly not ones I’m that close with, which is why I was so _hurt_ when you cut me off without any explanation.” He suddenly remembered to be angry and added, “But by the way, you can stop acting like you’re the only one who shared some pretty fucking personal stuff. I trusted you, too, you know.”

Die looked away. He looked back over his shoulder, then up at the sky. He was looking everywhere but back at Kyo, and Kyo was reminded of what Gara had said at his art exhibit, about Die having “Kyo-blinders” on. 

After a long moment, Die took a breath. “Look,” he said, “I never meant anything I did as anything other than a gesture of friendship, and I’m _sorry_ if—”

“ _Ugh_ ,” Kyo cut him off in disgust, “I never took anything as _more_ than friendship, I just want my friend back!!”

“I’m not interested in playing games and making drama,” Die said.

“What, and I am?” Kyo said, baffled and offended. “I don’t play games like that either; why do you think I’m so pissed about how you’ve been acting??”

Die raised a hand between them and Kyo quieted, waiting for Die to speak. “This is the last thing I’m gonna say right now: I’m sorry if you got the wrong impression, but I was never… ignoring you intentionally. I’m sorry if you don’t believe me, but that’s all there is to it. And now I’m done. We can talk about this later.” He dropped his hand and shook his head as he turned away, and walked off down the street to where he had parked, not giving Kyo the chance to say anything else.

Kyo stood there staring after him for a few moments, before he finally went back into Toshiya’s house, still fuming as much as ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol how much would y'all hate me if I ended it here


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kyo doesn't see Die and sees Die and doesn't see Die and...

The question really was just how _much_ later Die wanted them to talk about it. After the tour ended, an entire month passed and Kyo didn’t see Die at all.

Or that’s not exactly true. He did see him once, quite by accident.

It had been almost two weeks since the blow-up after the party, and Kyo and Toshiya had gone out for coffee, since Toshiya had been pretty much badgering Kyo (in the nicest way possible) non-stop to get out of the house for some social interaction. He had become increasingly worried about Kyo after he’d come barging back into the house from his confrontation with Die only to slam the door behind himself and lock himself in the guest room for the rest of the night. Even when Toshiya had knocked, hearing what was obviously the sound of Kyo crying, Kyo had refused to speak to him, and Kyo left the next morning before Toshiya got up.

Kyo had finally agreed to go do something with Toshiya, which was probably for the best. He really had been avoiding seeing anyone he wasn’t required to. He checked his phone often enough, hoping, perhaps naively, that Die would message him when he was ready to finish their conversation, but instead he got messages from just about everyone else, asking after his wellbeing. Kaoru sent what was obviously a simple and straight-forward checking-up-on-you message, which Kyo responded to shortly, if only because a lack of response would only create more worry. Shinya wanted to know if Kyo still wanted him to talk to Die, and Kyo really had to think about that one. After a long internal debate, he texted back telling Shinya to just let it go. Die was already clearly angry and it would probably create less “drama” if he just continued to deal with it himself.

Toshiya had naturally been the most persistent in his messages, starting the day after the party. He wasn’t pushy, but he had expressed some alarm at Kyo’s leaving his place without saying anything, especially after his evident emotional distress that night. 

Throughout coffee, Toshiya carefully tiptoed around the subject of Die, never quite touching on it. Kyo still hadn’t told him what all had gone down, but he was perceptive enough to know _something_ had happened, and sensitive enough to not ask about it. He was pretty quiet, clearly giving Kyo the opportunity to bring something up if he wanted to, but Kyo kept pretty quiet himself.

He talked a little bit about some of the writing he’d been doing, but he didn’t go into any detail, and then he muttered about upcoming things he had going on with sukekiyo. He felt kind of bad that he was shutting down again, finding it difficult to speak aloud anything that Die had said, the hurtful words still circulating so often in his mind. Additionally, he was still so _angry_ about it, but he had been waiting for Die to make the first move in reaching out and explaining himself—although he didn’t know why. Maybe that was just him being stupid, but he was afraid of pushing Die even further away by being too aggressive in his demands for answers.

At any rate, Kyo was sure the coffee date wasn’t at all the enjoyable social activity Toshiya had intended and he did honestly regret that he couldn’t make it be, but he wasn’t really in any state to be a great source of charm and entertainment for anyone. They had just paid andwere walking out of the cafe when it happened.

Kyo heard his voice before he actually saw him, unmistakable, with laughter painting the edges of it, and he froze totally as his eyes actually focused on Die. He was walking towards them across the cafe’s small parking lot, chatting amiably with a friend Kyo didn’t recognize, and Kyo couldn’t get his legs to carry him any farther. His stomach had folded in on itself and all he could do was stare. 

Toshiya nearly crashed into Kyo where he’d stopped walking. “Kyo, what—” and then he spotted him, too, a quiet gasp the only indication.

There was no way Die could miss them. They weren’t all that inconspicuous, even when they tried to be, and they were standing right in front of the very cafe he was walking towards. Die grinned as he saw Toshiya, and barely stopped walking as he threw his arms around him in a hug. 

Kyo remained where he was, staring as if Die were on the other side of a glass wall, untouchable. He just caught his eye as Die was pulling away from Toshiya, and then Die and his friend both continued on, resuming their conversation and disappearing into the cafe.

Toshiya looked over his shoulder after Die, and then back at Kyo. His mouth moved wordlessly. 

With great effort, Kyo forced himself to start walking again, towards the train station for which they’d been heading.

Toshiya walked alongside him in silence for a few minutes before he said hesitantly, “Maybe he didn’t see you.”

“He saw me,” Kyo said.

Toshiya was quiet again for a while, didn’t speak again until they were actually on the train. Kyo could tell it wasn’t easy for him to decide if he was going to say anything at all, and when he did, it was in a small voice, “What… happened?”

Kyo shook his head. “We had a fight, I guess.”

“What, like a fist fight?”

“Just words,” Kyo said. He closed his eyes, remembering the words of their argument for the thousandth time. He still didn’t think he could give them voice even for Toshiya’s benefit. With a sigh he said, “Pretty sure he straight-up hates me now.”

“What did you say to him?” Toshiya asked.

“It doesn’t matter,” Kyo said. “We’re not done talking about things.”

Toshiya looked like he didn’t know how to respond to that. “You’re okay?”

“Nah,” Kyo said. “Really not. But there’s nothing I can do until he’s ready to talk to me more. I think he knows… where I stand.”

“He _knows_?” Toshiya said. “You mean, you—?”

“I didn’t tell him how I feel,” Kyo said. “So I guess technically he can’t actually _know_ , but he sure seemed like… he suspected.”

Toshiya frowned. “Well, it’s not like he can keep ignoring you. We’ll be back in the studio and we all have to work with one another.”

Kyo had nodded, knowing Toshiya was right.

But Toshiya had, in fact, not been completely right. 

Once they were back in the studio, Die had managed to get his schedule worked out so that he and Kyo were never there at the same time. Kyo was somewhat astounded by it, honestly, almost impressed that Die would go to so much _trouble_ just to avoid him. 

After that day outside the cafe, most of Kyo’s anger faded into a more tangible kind of regret and grief. There was such a distinct pain in watching Die laugh and talk normally with someone else and look straight through Kyo as if he were invisible in the next breath. Kyo had gotten home and actually sent Die a text for the first time since getting back from tour:

{ _Hey there. It was weird seeing you today and not really getting to stop and say hi. I’m sorry for how pissy I was with you at Toshiya’s party. Maybe you’re still mad. I hope we can talk soon._ }

He’d sent it with his lower lip caught between his teeth, hating the awkwardness of everything he’d typed out, hating himself for being so weak as to send a message at all, but it hadn’t really mattered because Die never responded to it.

Kyo was writing a lot, which wasn’t unusual, but if nothing else this ordeal had given him some raw material to form into new pieces, something more beautiful. He wrote a whole set of lyrics about the surreal experience of seeing Die after everything, about that feeling of Die looking right in his eyes and yet looking past him as if he wasn’t there. He didn’t use names or any gendered pronouns in the words of course, but he would always know what it was really about; this encounter with a member of the undead who haunted his mind continually in the most unpleasant of ways.

When they started full-band rehearsals again, there was no way for Die to avoid being in the same room as Kyo any longer. The tension that first day in the studio felt almost like Kyo was moving through jello when he came in and started getting his lyrics in order on his music stand. Die didn’t look at him, and Kyo tried to return the sentiment. He didn’t honestly want to make Die more uncomfortable by making him feel like he was forcing something on him. He just wanted to talk. He wanted the explanations he felt like he deserved, and he wanted the chance to tell Die that he never treated him any differently than he did anyone else, that he never tried to _get_ anything from him other than his friendship. He could have been happy being his friend.

Rehearsal was stiff and awkward and littered with more mistakes than anyone was used to. It was disturbingly apparent that (at least) two band members were painfully unfocused. Kaoru cut the rehearsal short, looking around at them all strangely. 

“I’m not sure why exactly we’re so off today, but maybe when we meet again tomorrow we can work on some new stuff. And we’ll all actually _be here_.” He peered at Die, managing to pinpoint him as at least part of the problem. Die just looked away sulkily, and Kaoru shook his head. “Tomorrow we’ll probably go later in the evening too, if that’s okay with everyone.”

The rest of the band nodded tiredly, and he thanked them for their work and started tidying up and turning off equipment. Kyo packed up his things quickly and stood against the wall rubbing his hands over his face while he waited for Toshiya.

Shinya paused to speak to him on his way out. “Have you talked it all out, then? It doesn’t seem like you guys are on better terms.”

Kyo leaned his head back against the wall. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m extremely embarrassed that this is affecting our work. We started to talk it out, but we never finished and now I’m pretty sure we’re worse off than before.”

“It would seem that way, yes,” Shinya said with a frown. “He’s acting more like a child than ever.”

“I can’t change how he acts,” Kyo said.

“No.” Shinya shifted his bag on his shoulder and put on his sunglasses. “Well my offer still stands if you ever need it.” He nodded and walked out, leaving Kyo unsure whether he was referring to the offer to _talk_ to Die or to _kill_ him.

Toshiya walked over a minute later, noticeably less spring in his step than usual. “Need a ride?” he asked.

“Only if it’s convenient. I was just waiting to at least say goodnight before you left,” Kyo said honestly. He hadn’t really thought about if he and Toshiya would fall back into their routine of carpooling, still kind of confused about what that routine would be with Die factored out of it.

“I don’t mind!” Toshiya said. “You know I never mind hanging out with you a little longer.”

“Thanks,” Kyo said, and he followed Toshiya out of the studio.

“I won’t be able to give you a ride tomorrow, though,” Toshiya said. “Just warning you ahead of time.”

“That’s fine,” Kyo said. He looked over at Toshiya as they walked. “Is everything okay?”

Toshiya sighed. “Yeah, it’s good. I mean. No, it’s good.” He made a disgruntled sort of face and said, “I’m annoyed with Kaoru.”

“Already?”

“If he didn’t cut rehearsal short today, it wouldn’t have to run long tomorrow, and I’d much rather _tomorrow_ was the day it didn’t run long,” Toshiya said. His grin was a bit sheepish but his eyes had a twinkle in them as he said, “I have a date.”

For some reason, Kyo was caught off-guard by this news, though he was more than pleased to hear it. “Really? That’s great, Toshiya.”

Toshiya nodded eagerly, then stopped and wobbled his head side to side. “It _would_ be great, if Kaoru wasn’t making our rehearsal run long. I’ll have to go straight to drinks with this girl from the studio, and even then I’ll be cutting it close.”

“It’s not Kaoru’s fault,” Kyo said. “If anything, it’s _my_ fault because my stupid shit with Die screwed up our rehearsal tonight so badly we weren’t getting anything done.”

Toshiya looked like he wanted to argue but there was really no argument to be made. He nodded towards where his car was parked in the lot up ahead and they walked over to it in silence.

Kyo spoke up again, if just to distract himself from the guilt flaying his insides with its claws. “So, a date! Who’s the lucky girl?”

Toshiya smiled as he unlocked the car and climbed into the driver’s seat. “We met when I was working on designing jewelry pieces for my brand. That was a while ago, but we’ve been in touch, and when I saw her to work on more new items last week, I said what the hell, and asked if she’d like to get a drink sometime.”

“She’s a jeweler then, like an artisan?” Kyo asked, buckling himself in.

“Yeah, she helped with getting some of my designs made, but she designs a lot of her own stuff too, and it’s gorgeous,” Toshiya said. “She plays the cello as a hobby, how cool is that?”

Kyo couldn’t help but smile widely, hearing Toshiya excited like this. “She sounds wonderful.”

“She does, right? I’m nervous. This is the first girl I’ve tried to go out with since my ex and we all saw how that ended,” Toshiya said. He chewed his lip for a moment. “I’m cautious. But I really get a good vibe from her.”

“If anyone deserves happiness, it’s you,” Kyo said bluntly. 

Toshiya turned his smile in Kyo’s direction briefly, his eyes somewhat sad. “You deserve happiness, too, Kyo. Just because it’s not within reach right this minute doesn’t mean it won’t be.”

Kyo just nodded. He was used to hearing this kind of reassurance from his friends by now, and he recognized that the disconnect with the actual words was on his end, because he never felt reassured. He set aside the vague thought that that might be something he wanted to get looked at, and sat the rest of the drive letting Toshiya talk pleasantly about his upcoming date. It was just distracting enough that he didn’t think again about how Die had acted during rehearsal until he was back in his apartment, alone with his thoughts.

 

The next day, Kyo came to the studio determined to keep his feelings locked up and his focus on the music. He didn’t want to make Toshiya any later to his date, and he used that as his motivation throughout the evening. Every time he was tempted to gaze longingly in Die’s direction, or let his thoughts wander vaguely over his general sadness at not being able to talk things out, he snapped himself back into work mode, for Toshiya’s sake. Toshiya deserved so much, and Kyo was never able to give enough, but maybe he could at least keep something from getting taken away.

As Kaoru had said, he wanted to work on some new songs, and the band worked through a couple different pieces, restructuring and adjusting things before they even tried to throw Kyo on top of it all. Kyo waited patiently as they did, trying to keep out of the way and not start watching the grace with which Die’s fingers moved over the frets of his guitar, or the careless fidgeting he did every time he wasn’t actively playing. Admittedly, Kyo’s skill level at Not Watching such things left something to be desired.

Just as Kyo was starting to remember all the little reasons he’d fallen in love with Die in the first place, Kaoru got his attention and asked if he wanted to try doing a run-through with vocals. Kyo had been half-listening and had a decent idea of the structure of the song. He nodded easily and took up his mic, letting his eyes close as he started singing, the melody partly improvised, partly based on what had been established with the first presentation of the music. The lyrics were a version of the ones he’d written about Die, and by the end of the song, he was sure, even if no one else had noticed, Die _definitely_ had.

After avoiding looking at him for so long, Die was openly staring at Kyo, looking almost _wounded_ , though he couldn’t very well say anything to that effect. Kyo looked back at him challengingly, daring him to complain that Kyo had written something about him. The rest of the band made a lot of approving noises about what Kyo had come up with and they went through it a few more times, tweaking sections of the melody, nailing the lyrics down to be more consistent with every run-through. Die was fidgeting even more now than before.

The rehearsal ran late, as they’d been warned it would, and the instant Kaoru suggested they might be done for the night, Toshiya was out the door, promising to text Kyo tomorrow and let him know how his date had gone. Shinya and Die both took off shortly after, and Kyo was on his way out when Kaoru stopped him, having very much that look about him like he was going to start in on some long topic and Kyo was going to be there listening for a while.

Instead, Kaoru looked hard at Kyo and smiled with half his mouth. “Good work tonight. I have a good feeling about the new songs coming together.”

Kyo nodded uncertainly. He thought maybe that _good work tonight_ had a loud kind of _in sharp contrast to last night_ attached to it, and he couldn’t blame Kaoru for that, since he had truly let Die throw him off his game, which was entirely irresponsible of him. Still, he wasn’t planning on apologizing to Kaoru for it unless he was directly called out, so he just offered a bow and told Kaoru goodnight before heading out.

Even half-running outside, Kyo knew as soon as he checked the time on his phone that he had _just_ missed his bus. “Shit,” he said aloud as he stepped out into the night. He mulled over his options. The next bus wouldn’t come for another hour. He could walk to the train station, but at this time of night, the line that stopped at the station nearest his apartment ran much less frequently than the rapid lines, and if he left now he ran the risk of missing that too, getting stranded at the station for another forty-five minutes easy. He supposed he could always catch a cab, but did he even have enough cash on him for the ride to his part of town?

He was pulled from these thoughts by a soft shuffling noise beside him and he turned, in some shock, to see Die standing there, hands in his pockets. Before Kyo could remember how to speak, Die sniffed, and looked purposefully _not_ at Kyo. “Need a ride?”


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which certain matters are discussed, but Die has lost some street cred.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me please for the anticlimax! I should be better than I am!

Kyo couldn’t really remember sending the signal to his mouth to answer Die, nor the one to his feet to start walking towards Die’s car, but the next thing he knew he was clambering awkwardly into Die’s passenger seat. He was overwhelmed by the memories that being there called up, all of them at once and piled on top of each other in a kind of sensory garbage heap. Die was as stiff as Kyo had ever seen anyone as he drove, still not speaking. He didn’t even have music playing in the car and after ten minutes Kyo honestly thought he might start screaming just to be sure his hearing was still functioning as well as it ever did.

He decided to try to make conversation instead but found he hadn’t the slightest idea where to even begin. He could thank Die for the ride, but he couldn’t see that leading to anything more. He could ask Die something about what he’d been up to, but given that he’d been deliberately avoiding Kyo for the past month, it didn’t seem unreasonable to think he might not want to go into it. He could… apologize? Again?

In a way, Kyo felt like all he had to offer were apologies. He didn’t even know what they were for, but maybe if he let enough of them drain out of him, they’d be worth something, they’d mean something, he could get some kind of response.

But wasn’t he still kind of pissed at Die? Or supposed to be, if he let logic dictate anything. In which case, maybe he shouldn’t have to be the one making apologies. Maybe he’d apologized enough just by existing and it was Die’s turn.

Somewhere around there, Die cleared his throat, the first sound he’d made since offering Kyo a ride, and Kyo jumped, startled by it. He looked expectantly at Die, thinking maybe that was a sign he was about to start talking, but after a few minutes of silence he accepted that it was no such sign.

Finally Die was pulling into the parking lot next to Kyo’s building, and he still hadn’t said a thing. Kyo let out a short exasperated sigh and said, “Look, was there a _reason_ you offered me a ride home?”

Die glanced over at him as he parked in an unreserved spot at the edge of the lot. “I thought you might need a ride.”

Kyo unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the door. “I don’t _need_ anything from you. I could have gotten home on my own,” he said, swinging one leg out.

“I was just trying to be _nice_.”

That stopped Kyo, and he turned back to look at Die. Die looked like he was exercising a fair amount of control to keep his temper, and the thought that Die was angry again only flared up Kyo’s own anger. “You were trying to be nice? _Now_? After you’ve been shitty for the past however the fuck long, all the way up until today, _now_ you decide to be ‘nice’ and what, you think you should get a gold star for it? You know what, fuck you.”

If Kyo hadn’t been used to ugly looks from Die by now, the one Die gave him then might have had him cowering, but as it was he held firm, glaring right back. After a minute, Die looked away, pushed a hand back through his hair.

“I thought… I think I owe you an explanation,” Die said, with some difficulty.

Kyo raised an eyebrow. “Yeah.”

Die turned the car fully off and unbuckled his own seatbelt. He turned towards Kyo partway, then shifted back to face forward, and leaned his head back against the headrest. He sat there with his eyes closed for a long while before saying, “I don’t know where to start.”

“Right, you go ahead and take your time with that then,” Kyo said, and he climbed all the way out of the car this time, slamming the passenger door behind him. It wasn’t his job to walk Die through how to be a decent human being. Kyo had waited this long to get answers, he could wait longer and have Die know what he was doing without Kyo feeding him his lines. He crossed the parking lot to his building and hit the up button to call the elevator.

“ _Kyo_ ,” Die called, just as Kyo was heading into the elevator, and Kyo looked over his shoulder to see him running after him.

“Worked it out already?” Kyo said. “Faster than I expected.” He didn’t hold the door, but Die managed to catch it at the last moment.

“Can I please talk to you?” Die said, holding the door, rather than just boarding the elevator without Kyo wanting him to.

“Now you want to talk,” Kyo said. “I guess I don’t really have a choice in the matter, do I? We talk when _you_ feel like talking, and when you feel like pretending I don’t exist for a month at a time, we do that.” He was shaking ever so slightly, rage burrowed in his bones poking out its many and varied heads, threatening to take him over. He pushed it down to the best of his ability and gestured to the elevator. “So talk.”

Die ducked his head and stepped into the elevator slowly, his hair hiding his face, so Kyo had a hard time reading his expression.

Kyo punched the button for his floor harder than was strictly necessary and stared ahead rather than at Die.

“So,” Die said. “Um. Do you remember when you met Heather?”

_Unfortunately_ , Kyo thought. “Sure,” is what he actually said. Already he was surprised by where Die had chosen to begin this conversation.

“Right,” Die said. He paused again. “And remember, you were mad because she said that I had… talked about you to her? And you wanted to know what I’d said?”

Kyo had to actually look at Die now. How the hell was it that Die could remember something like that but couldn’t say hello when he ran into Kyo outside a cafe?

“The truth is, I hadn’t realized before then that I had talked about you that much. I honestly didn’t notice, and she had never said anything about it to _me_ ,” Die said. “It wasn’t until _you_ called my attention to it that I knew I’d been doing it.”

The elevator dinged and Kyo stepped off and started walking along the hall, not even pausing to see if Die would follow. 

Die caught up again as Kyo was unlocking his door, and Kyo glanced up to see the slightly panicked look on his face, like he thought Kyo might not let him in to continue with his explanation. Instead Kyo held the door open, raising his eyebrows at Die so he would go in. It was strange, having _this_ be the first time Die actually came over to his apartment. He would have much preferred for it to be in just about any other context, so he could crack a joke about how rare it was for him to have guests. Anything like that felt totally inappropriate right now, so he just waited for Die to go in and then came in after him, dropping his bag, changing out of his shoes, and walking down the hall to the kitchen in his bare feet.

Once he’d gotten some water started boiling he came into the living room and sat on one arm of his couch, not wanting to lose power in the conversation by bringing himself to a lower height level and sitting on the couch normally. Die shuffled in a few moments later, looking utterly out of place. 

“So?” Kyo said.

Die still had that panicked look about him and Kyo wondered if he was being too hard on him. After all, he had been waiting for Die to come talk to him all this time, and now here he was.

“So you were talking about me a lot…?” Kyo prompted in what he hoped was a gentler tone.

“Ah,” Die said. He wet his lips and then continued, “She was… mad. When we got home.” He swallowed, looking very uncomfortable as he stared at the tatami. “For all I had been talking about you, I guess she thought I hadn’t… described you well.”

“All of us?”

“Just you.” Kyo found it interesting that even now Die was having such a hard time meeting his eyes. When exactly had that started anyway? “We started fighting a lot. She actually accused me of sleeping with you.”

“Which you weren’t,” Kyo said.

“No, I wasn’t,” Die said, “obviously.”

“Then that seems pretty easy to set straight.” Kyo hopped down from his perch on the arm of the couch and went into the kitchen. 

Die followed after him, hovering at the door. “Sure, but then we were going on tour and everything, and she was kind of freaking out.”

“Freaking out about nothing,” Kyo said. He took the kettle off the stove just as it had started boiling and pulled down two cups from the cabinet with his free hand. “Oolong okay?” 

“Um, yes, thank you,” Die murmured.

Kyo poured the water into a small teapot with the loose leaf tea and let it steep, standing with his back to Die still. “Why didn’t you have me talk to her, if she was that worried about it? I could have told her I wasn’t going to make any advances on you or anything like that.”

“To be honest, she… She didn’t want me around you at all,” Die said, and even without looking at him, the nervousness was clear in his voice. “She basically said if I still wanted to have a girlfriend when I got back from tour, I’d stay away from you.”

Kyo nodded slowly. “I see.” So that was it then. She’d given Die an ultimatum and that had been the cause of everything. He pulled a tea strainer out of the drawer by the sink and tapped it absently against the counter as he tried to gather his thoughts into something he could say out loud. Finally he said, “No offense, Die, but she sounds kind of like a controlling bitch.”

“It’s not her fault,” Die said.

“Not her fault? You’ve just said she’s the reason you cut me off. What kind of person is that paranoid about her boyfriend’s coworkers that she makes _threats_ about him even talking to them?”

“It’s not her fault… because she—well she wasn’t really _wrong_ ,” Die said awkwardly.

Kyo turned to look at him, leaning his back against the counter. Maybe there were still things he needed to apologize for after all. “You mean because I…”

“Because I was in love with you,” Die interrupted, his eyes squeezed shut.

“Because you—what?” Kyo blinked several times.

“Am.” Die winced.

Kyo stood there, feeling that this whole explanation thing had really slipped away from him somewhere. Die still wouldn’t look at him. He arranged the tea pot, cups, and strainer on a small tray with his sugar bowl and took it over to the table in the corner. 

Die opened his eyes at the sound of the tray being set down and took a cautious step down into the kitchen before inching his way over to the table.

Kyo poured the tea over the strainer into the cups and leaned his elbows on the table. “I’m confused,” he said.

Die nodded.

“You’re telling me this now because…?” Kyo looked at Die expectantly.

Die opened his mouth and closed it again. He pulled his tea towards him. “You deserve an explanation for my… behavior. It’s not an excuse, but.”

“That can be why you’re telling me part of it, okay,” Kyo said. “The other part, though…”

“Well, when I got back from tour,” Die said, frowning. “I didn’t have a girlfriend.”

Kyo’s eyes widened and a kind of horror seeped through him. “What, because of _me_??”

Die grimaced. “No! No, it wasn’t… It’s not your fault.”

“She seriously left you? Because you had to go on tour and I happened to be there?”

“It was more complicated than that,” Die said.

“That’s fucked up!”

“She wasn’t wrong to do it, though.”

“Did you cheat on her?”

“No.”

“Were you going to?”

“…I don’t…”

“I’ll help you with that one,” Kyo said. “If I was the other party in question, _no_ , you definitely weren’t.”

“Right,” Die said. He glanced up to Kyo’s face for the briefest of seconds before becoming very interested once more in his tea.

“So then she should have had more faith in you, and I…” Kyo paused and scratched at his eyebrow. “Well, I was going to say I’m sorry she broke up with you, but actually, since she seems like she’s kind of an awful person, I guess I’m not that sorry.”

“I was sorry,” Die said with a shrug.

“For what exactly?”

“Many things,” Die said. “ _Am_ sorry for many things. But I was sorry I had made her feel like she couldn’t trust me. She said it was so obvious just from the way I looked at you during rehearsal. She said I should have warned her what you were _like_. I guess I hadn’t wanted to admit it to myself, much less to her. I thought I could get her back, if I just… showed her how much she was worth to me.” He sighed and looked at Kyo, holding eye contact for the first time. “Hearing your lyrics today, I… I didn’t know… how much I was hurting you.”

“I did tell you,” Kyo pointed out.

“I thought you were just mad, generally, because I was being such a fuckwad. I was being incredibly selfish.”

“Yeah,” Kyo agreed. “But you love her. Sometimes I guess we do selfish things for love.” He didn’t even know what he was saying. Was he seriously going to be all moving on and forgiving after everything Die had put him through? His brain was still stubbornly refusing to deal with the part where he thought he’d heard Die say he was in love with _him_ , because that just didn’t sound like it could be right.

“I did love her,” Die said. “I don’t know when I stopped. I know I still cared about her, and I know… we’d been together a long time. It was ‘serious,’ everyone said, and I wanted it to be because she was _good_ and we were good together, and I didn’t want to be like other jerks she’d dated before.”

“But she was also controlling, down to telling you she’d break up with you if you so much as talked to me while we were on tour,” Kyo said.

“…Yes,” Die said.

“Which, you know, isn’t great.”

“No, it’s not,” Die said.

Kyo took a sip of his tea. “So for the past month, you’ve been going to all these great lengths to avoid me because what, you were trying to prove something and win her back?”

“Partly,” Die admitted, clearly ashamed. “And I was scared.”

“Scared of her?”

“Of you,” Die said. “You were so angry at me at Toshiya’s party, and you had every right to be, and I just felt like I was losing everything at once. I’d already lost you, and then lost Heather, and then I lost you _again_ , and I knew I should talk to you, but I had already dug myself into this hole and I thought you hated me, and anything I could say would make you only hate me more. I mean. You probably _do_ still hate me.”

Kyo puffed out his cheeks thoughtfully and let the air out. “I kind of hate you. But kind of not.” He squinted at Die as he said, “So you knew you were full of shit, when I asked you why you’d been blowing me off and you said you hadn’t meant to or hadn’t noticed or whatever.”

“I… Yeah. There were some lies there, yeah.”

“How do I know you’re not lying now?”

Die hesitated and then ran a hand through his hair, offering Kyo one of the most pathetic smiles he’d ever seen.

“You do remember that’s the signal to indicate you _are_ lying, right?” Kyo said.

“Well, I’m not lying now. I’m trying to get things out in the open, and it’s actually really fucking hard, and just… I’m trying,” Die said. He looked tired and defeated and Kyo wondered if he shouldn’t just send him home to sleep on it and talk more another time.

“Maybe you should go,” he suggested, standing up from the table.

“Go? I—You’re kicking me out?” Sheer panic was painting Die’s face again.

“No,” Kyo said, startled by the extreme reaction. “I was just trying to give you a break.”

“I’d rather… keep talking,” Die said. “I’m afraid if I leave, you won’t let me in again.”

“Might be some irony there, coming from you,” Kyo said. He picked up his tea and headed into the living room with it.

Once Die had followed him, curling up on the couch in a way that made him seem far smaller than usual, Kyo returned to his spot perched on the arm of the couch, half facing him.

“All right, next thing I’m still confused about,” Kyo said. “You did a great job avoiding me while we were on tour. From day one, you were not speaking to me, not hanging out with me, not even interacting with me onstage—it was impressive. How did that still lead to her breaking up with you?”

Die’s expression went all guilty for a moment before he said, “I had been doing pretty well with it, yes… Until that night we all went out after the live.”

“The night I went too?” Kyo said. He’d spent so much time wondering about that night, just _why_ it was different. Apparently Die was easily acknowledging that it was different as well.

“I talked to her just before we went out. We were talking on the phone so often,” Die let out a brief, airy laugh. “It seems obvious now that that was because she didn’t trust me at all. But I thought I’d been doing so well with what she asked, and I told her that. She sounded… happy. I thought we were really going to make it through this, laugh at it later. I didn’t know you were going to be there when I got to the bar.”

“You wouldn’t have gone,” Kyo said, almost surprised by how much that hurt.

“Probably not,” Die said. “But then, there you were. And I was so _glad_ you were there. I had missed you.”

Kyo snorted. “You had _missed_ me?”

Die quickly realized that had been the wrong thing to say.

“I was _right fucking there_ , Die! _You_ missed _me_??” Kyo stood up and set his tea on the end table before he started pacing around. “No. You don’t _get_ to miss people you blow off that intentionally.”

“It’s not like I wanted to!” Die said, turning to set his tea down as well, just to keep himself from gesturing while he was holding it. “I thought maybe—that night being around you, talking like we used to—it was so _nice_ , and I thought, since I’d been keeping away from you so much, maybe I was allowed to have that—”

“‘ _Allowed to—_ ’ Jesus, Die, are you even _hearing_ yourself?” Kyo said. “If you didn’t _want_ to treat me like a pariah, the easy solution would have been to _not fucking do it_!! Are you not your own man, you’re some kind of wind-up toy that does whatever Heather tells you?”

“We’d been together over a year!” Die said.

“How does that make any difference at all??” Kyo demanded. He was angry all over again, enough that he was struggling to focus his eyes on Die. And yet, some king of guilt was still tickling around inside him, trying to remind him that if Heather was really keeping that close of tabs on Die, it probably classified as an emotionally abusive relationship, and he shouldn’t be taking his anger out on Die, who was the victim. With this in mind he rubbed his hands over his face, trying to calm himself down. “Okay. Okay,” he said, letting out a breath. He stood behind the couch and gripped the back of it with both hands. “So, we had a good night. But she didn’t want to let you have it.”

“No, she didn’t,” Die said. “I mentioned that you were there, and that we were all going to your exhibit in Osaka, and she was pissed. She didn’t want me to go.”

Kyo worked his jaw back and forth. “That’s why you didn’t come to my exhibit?”

“I did come!”

Kyo gave him a scathing look. “Barely.”

“I wanted to, but I was on the phone arguing with her about it for an hour,” Die said. “And then, she… Well, she got my parents involved.”

“She did _what_?” Kyo’s eyes widened at what he deemed a bit of a plot twist.

“My _dad_ called, and started talking about me settling down and how my ‘behavior’ was hurting Heather and wasn’t it time for me to grow up and stop ‘making eyes’ at people I ran into on tour,” Die said. “I was stuck in this Skype call with my parents, and the whole time I was trying to leave so I could get to the art space. I knew how much it meant to you, I did, I know…” He looked at Kyo and hesitated. “But when I got there, I felt like… I was this outsider. Everyone else was there, and Gara was there with you.”

“Gara? What does he have to do with anything?”

“Seriously? Don’t even act like you haven’t been doing things this whole time to make me more jealous.”

“ _Excuse_ me?” Kyo was honestly confused.

“With you and Toshiya, talking every five seconds, practically sitting on each other’s laps, you’re sleeping over at his house…” Die seemed rather surprisingly bitter about all of this.

“Toshiya’s _straight_ , you said so yourself!” Kyo reminded Die.

“Which is why it’s obvious you were doing it on purpose!” Die said indignantly.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Kyo said. “Like I’m that petty? Die, how could I even think about ‘making you jealous’ when I was under the assumption that you were shunning me because you had decided you hated me, or because I had done something to fuck things up between us?”

“What?” Die looked confused now.

“Believe me, I didn’t think the feelings you had for me were anything good,” Kyo said. “And even if I did, I wouldn’t _play_ with you like that, christ, you really think I’m that kind of person?”

“But then… Why were you…?”

“What, hanging out with Toshiya? Because unlike _some_ people, Toshiya kept talking to me during tour,” Kyo said. It was strange to have to explain this to Die when it seemed like the only and most obvious constant in his life these days. He leaned his forearms on the back of the couch. “Because Toshiya’s a great person and a great friend, and he didn’t dump me like a pack of expired fish flakes without even bothering to tell me why. Not a really difficult concept.”

Die pulled his knees towards himself and stared at them, looking wounded again and still a bit lost. 

“I wouldn’t have done something to intentionally hurt you, Die,” Kyo said. “I just couldn’t understand why we couldn’t be like we were before tour.”

“And it was just because of me,” Die said sadly.

“Well apparently it was mostly because of Heather,” Kyo said with a shrug.

Die shook his head. “But it was still me, it was my choice to be with her, to listen to her. I knew that her demands were unreasonable, but I still pushed you away. And then I made up excuses in my own head so I could try to blame you for it.”

Kyo looked soberly at Die. This whole thing was surreal somehow. After spending so long wondering what Die had been thinking, why he had been acting the way he was, getting the answers seemed… just strange. Like they couldn’t be the real answers, or there had to be more to it than that. Die wasn’t a terrible person and he wasn’t possessed by an alien and he wasn’t doing it all just to make Kyo suffer—he was just trying to do what he thought was right, a bit selfish maybe, but so… _human_. He picked up his tea from the end table. It was cold by now, but he drank it down in one gulp.

“Toshiya’s party,” Kyo said. He came around to sit on the couch, one leg folded up, one foot on the floor. “You were an inexcusable dick.”

Die closed his eyes. “Yeah.”

“Any backstory on that one?”

“Nothing good enough,” Die said. He opened his eyes and rubbed at his collarbone, staring into space as he went on, “Heather had already left, said she wasn’t coming back, and I wanted it to be your fault. It wasn’t. I know it wasn’t, but you were this force and I couldn’t… control my goddamn _heart_ around you, and it had fucked everything up, and it was _my_ fault. But having you there, still, there _with Toshiya_ , and even _with Shinya_ , and _you_ just as much as you ever are… I was angry and you didn’t deserve it.”

“I was angry, too,” Kyo said.

“Yeah, and I _did_ deserve it,” Die said. “I know I said some things…” He shook his head. “God, I said really awful things. If you can’t forgive me, even just for what I said that night, I would understand. I… I’m sorry, Kyo.” He looked at Kyo, actually saw him, looked at him with that depth that made Kyo feel like all the air had gone out of the room. “I am truly sorry, for everything. I know that’s not good enough, but please, _please_ don’t think you did anything to deserve how I’ve acted. I’m so sorry.”

Kyo opened his mouth to say he was sorry too, but swallowed the words down. Maybe if he didn’t know exactly what he would be apologizing for it was better to just leave it until he was sure. He also wasn’t sure if he could tell Die that he forgave him, after the emotional hell he’d been through the past couple months. So they sat in silence for a long while, with Die still watching Kyo somewhat warily.

“Now what?” Kyo asked quietly.

“I don’t really know,” Die said.

Kyo let out a soft little laugh. “God, look at us. What happened to you being so easy to talk to?”

“Guess I’ve lost my street cred as a great conversationalist,” Die said, a smile tugging at his lips.

“You definitely have,” Kyo agreed. “But you might earn it back.”

Something that certainly looked to Kyo like _hope_ flashed in Die’s eyes and he nodded.

There was still tension in the room but it seemed like it had morphed into something different, and Kyo felt like a monstrous weight had been lifted off his shoulders after this talk. He leaned back against the arm of the couch, stretching his arms over his head and settled back down with a sigh. He pulled out his phone to check the time and grimaced at how late it was. He also had a new text from Toshiya:

_Oh my god, she’s so cute and nice and REALLY interesting. I think I really like her already, I’m a mess. You got home okay I hope??_

Kyo smiled, his heart warmed knowing that Toshiya was getting some of the good things he deserved from the world. He quickly typed out a response, { _Yeah, I got a ride, actually. Die is here._ } 

Kyo put the phone back into his pocket and folded both legs in front of him on the couch as he thought about what to do next. He was torn between properly kicking Die out since it was getting pretty late, and offering to order takeout and have Die stay so they could actually hang out, but when he turned back to Die he was met with a peculiar facial expression of worry and concentration.

“Die?” Kyo regarded him curiously.

Die looked up at him and then back down at some spot on the couch cushion between them. “Um. About what I said before…”

“Might have to be a little more specific,” Kyo said.

“Yeah, the part about, um, you know, being in love with you, or… yeah, that,” Die said, and cleared his throat.

“Oh, right, that,” Kyo said lamely.

“Yeah,” Die said again. “I don’t mean anything, like, trying to get you to… return that, or anything. I just don’t want you to think that’s why I told you.”

“Okay,” Kyo said, but he was confused. Didn’t Die already know how Kyo felt? Wasn’t that part of what the whole problem had been? “So then, you weren’t telling me because you were hoping to start a relationship with me or something.”

Die’s eyes went kind of wide. “Oh! No, I wasn’t… I mean, I would obviously like to, but I don’t… expect. Um. I was really shitty.” He was fidgeting endlessly again.

Kyo frowned and leaned forward to grab Die’s hands just to still them. He wasn’t totally prepared for how the feel of Die’s hands in his would affect him and he had to struggle not to hold his breath. “I think we’ve established that.” He peered at Die with his head tilted. “However, I _thought_ we’d also established… how I feel about you.”

“You said you kind of hate me, kind of not,” Die said.

“I guess I did say that, yeah,” Kyo said. “But I… wouldn’t be opposed.”

Die stared at him, clearly not processing what he was saying.

“As long as I’m not just a rebound,” Kyo said, “Because I care about you more than that, more than… I am able to put into words, maybe.” He squeezed Die’s hands a bit, hoping it would hide how his own were shaking. He hadn’t been expecting to get into this tonight, or maybe ever, and wasn’t feeling especially well-prepared for this kind of divulgence. “I could be happy just being around you as a friend, but… I would be willing to give _us_ a try.”

Die shifted his hands in Kyo’s so he could squeeze back. “Are you being serious?”

“You know I wouldn’t say something like that if I wasn’t serious.”

Die leaned forward in a rush and then stopped himself, sitting up on his knees and still holding tightly onto both of Kyo’s hands. “I—Can I kiss you?”

How exactly was this happening right now? Could Kyo have perhaps fallen through some inter-dimensional portal to an alternate universe? Nothing about the moment seemed possible and Kyo found himself terrified of waking up from it. At the same time, he figured he’d better enjoy it while he could. After some consideration he said, “Yes, but, probably then you should go. It’s late.”

He had barely gotten the words out before Die was surging forward again, kissing him with everything that made him _Die_ , so obviously a kiss Kyo could never have gotten from anyone else. And that was at least _part_ of what made it perfect, though there were other contributing factors as well.

Kyo’s hands went to Die’s biceps, holding him steady through the kiss. He thought he could feel everything else ebbing away. First his doubt and distrust, his anger and grief over everything that had happened, but then everything else about the surrounding world; the couch beneath him faded away, the lingering smells of tea and tatami were gone, there was no sound… All that remained was Die’s lips against his, the feel of his own heartbeat, Die’s arms under his fingers anchoring him to this plane.

A whole lifetime might have passed by the time they reluctantly pulled back from each other and Kyo looked up to see Die’s eyes sparkling with more light than he’d seen in them in months. He didn’t think he’d ever seen anything so beautiful as Die in that instant, smiling at him with a kind of suffocating joy. He realized after a beat that he was smiling back in the exact same way.

Kyo cleared his throat and pushed Die back lightly. With some effort he got himself back up onto the arm of the couch. “All right, now get out of here then.”

Die clutched at his own heart dramatically. “So cold!”

Kyo arched an eyebrow. 

“Okay, okay, you’re right. Cold is not a word to describe you,” Die said, and stood up from the couch.

This was almost too bizarre for Kyo. Just like that they had flipped some kind of switch and now Die was joking and flirting and he couldn’t get it to work in his mind. He was definitely gonna need some time.

“Thank you for hearing me out,” Die said, walking over to Kyo on his perch. “Thank you for giving me a second chance, even if I probably don’t deserve it.” He pushed a few strands of hair back from Kyo’s face and whispered, “Can I kiss you again?”

Kyo closed his eyes, trying to dredge some inner strength up from somewhere. He shook his head firmly, “Not right now. It’s time for you to go.” If he let Die kiss him again, he knew he’d only want him to kiss him _again_ , and then again and again, and maybe, preferably, never stop kissing him for the rest of his life, so he’d better just cut it off before it got to that point. When Kyo opened his eyes, Die was pouting, but he nodded and backed off, heading slowly towards the genkan.

Kyo went after him, watched him put his shoes and jacket on, wondered if this would be the last time he saw Die leaving his apartment like this or only the first. Try as he might, he was still having an extremely difficult time believing that Die would still love him come morning. 

He had a fleeting panicked thought that if that was the case maybe he shouldn’t send Die away. Maybe he should get as many of those kisses as he could before the spell was broken and Die realized his mistake—but that felt strangely like it would be taking advantage of someone whose perceptions were clearly weakened. He would have to just give Die the chance to snap out of it if he was going to, and at least Kyo could have that one perfect kiss to cherish, even if it was the _only_ one.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Die said, shaking Kyo from his thoughts.

“Tomorrow,” Kyo said, nodding.

“You know…” Die stopped and shrugged. “I— Um. I’ll see you. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Kyo said, lost for anything else to say.

Die turned and opened the door, smiled over his shoulder at Kyo once more, and walked out, the door closing behind him.

Kyo stood where he was another minute, waiting for some impending disaster to go ahead and get itself over with, but nothing happened. He decided to brush his teeth and go to bed before the universe changed its mind.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kyo deals with some of his doubts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... Here's this. Gonna be going out of town again soon, so I don't know if I'll get to post anything else before then or while I'm traveling. So, er, sorry.

The sun was unreasonably bright, but that wasn’t really why Kyo had woken up so much earlier than he meant to; it had been his own thoughts, too loud for him to sleep through any longer. He’d been lying in his bed unmoving for more than an hour already, still unable to discern how much of last night had been reality and how much had been a dream. His fingertips moved unconsciously over his lips. Die had been here. Kyo had to have gotten home somehow, and he was sure he remembered details like taking _two_ tea cups to the kitchen before he got ready for bed. So someone had been here, and he felt confident it had been Die.

Die had spoken to him about… well, about everything. This part was fuzzier, since he’d had dreams before wherein Die confessed his reasoning for everything and this could have been another one of those. He dug around for something that made this occasion distinct from those dreams and got stuck. But if Die had been here, he must have said things. And he _was here_ , long enough to drink tea.

What Kyo really thought he remembered was Die kissing him. _Asking_ to kiss him _again_. And usually Kyo was pretty good about keeping that kind of extra fantasy out of his dreams, so in a way, that was a distinguishing element, wasn’t it? But it also seemed like the least possible out of everything he could recollect, and he started to doubt how much he could trust his own mind.

He cycled through this entire thought process a few more times before his phone vibrated on the table next to his bed and he rolled over to look at it, finding a message from Toshiya:

_Dude, you sent that text after eleven pm. Die was at your apartment?? That late?? WHAT DID HE SAY???_

Well, okay, that was confirmation of something at least. He pulled up the memory of texting Toshiya last night, where he’d been sitting on the couch, Die across from him, and how—

How immediately afterwards Die had brought up the issue of his being in love with Kyo, for the second time that night. Kyo closed his eyes, searching for some ripple in the fabric of reality that might prove that this was dream rather than memory, but no, he was _sure_ that had happened. And the kiss had been real too.

He sat up in bed and the brief joy he felt at his realization was sideswiped by a heavy truckload of doubt. What exactly was he thinking was going to happen now? He and Die were going to, what, start dating? How could that even potentially be something they could do? They were at least occasionally in the public eye, they had an image to protect, they had fans with varying levels of reasonableness who might not take such news well. Besides, what about the band? They were struggling to not let tensions interfere with their professional lives even when they _weren’t_ an item; how could they keep it separate with how entwined everything was? Kyo wasn’t willing to let Dir en grey feel the negative impact if he and Die discovered they weren’t right for each other.

Or, _when_ they did. Wasn’t that more realistic?

Kyo started to go about a quick morning workout as he continued mulling things over in his mind. In addition to these other problems, hadn’t he been too hasty in forgiving Die? Maybe it was wrong to keep blaming him for things when Die had been a victim of circumstances as well, but Kyo wondered if he hadn’t just heard that Die was in love with him and been willing to let everything else go a bit more quickly than he should. He should have been more suspicious, should have questioned it all more. What was Kyo even thinking, just accepting Die’s whole story? Die was in love with him? Since when? Was Die only interested in dating Kyo now that his girlfriend had already left him? As in, if she had stayed with him, would Die have been content forever to let his feelings for Kyo go unknown, never acted upon? Kyo wasn’t sure how he felt about any of that. He lay back on the floor where he’d been doing crunches and closed his eyes, frowning. 

It wasn’t like he wanted to _lose_ Die. Maybe he was being ungrateful, questioning and doubting now when he finally could have what he wanted. And when what he wanted wanted _him_. Maybe he ought to be celebrating instead of lying on the floor and planning how he was going to break up with someone he wasn’t even really dating yet. His phone was vibrating again and he sat up, stretching to reach it before relaxing back with one forearm resting on his knee as he answered the incoming call from Toshiya.

“Hello?” Kyo said, suppressing a yawn.

“Did you not get my text?” Toshiya demanded.

“Oh, I guess I forgot to write back,” Kyo said. He’d been a bit distracted by his own thoughts.

“And?? What the hell happened with Die?” Toshiya said, sounding almost frantic.

Kyo shifted how he was sitting, brought one leg to fold under the other. “We talked. Kind of a lot. I guess I got some answers.”

“Yeah?” Toshiya said. “Well, what were they?!”

“Someone is impatient this morning,” Kyo said, somewhat amused by Toshiya’s investment in his personal life. He rubbed a hand over his face. “Um, well, long story short, Heather, his now _ex_ -girlfriend, really didn’t like the idea of him being around me during tour because he’s in love with me, so she gave him an ultimatum about it, and his parents were on her side, pressuring him to settle down with her, but I guess he’s given up on that because he kissed me and now maybe we’re together.” He paused for only a second before saying, “I was gonna jump in the shower; can I call you back?”

“Um, _no_ ,” Toshiya said. “You can stay right where you are and finish this conversation. He _kissed_ you? You guys are together?? THIS IS A LOT OF INFORMATION TO PROCESS, KYO.”

“Right, it is for me too,” Kyo said, picking at some lint on his sweatpants. 

“You don’t sound happy,” Toshiya said, his own voice dropping from the excited pitch where it had been.

“I don’t… know how I feel,” Kyo admitted. “I want to be with him. I want him to love me, but it feels like it’s happening so fast suddenly, and I don’t want us to rush into something when we’re both emotionally vulnerable.”

“Hmmm,” Toshiya said. “When did they break up?”

“I guess she had already left by the time we got back from tour.”

“I suppose that might explain some of his moodiness at the after party,” Toshiya said. “Though to be honest, I don’t remember a lot of that party.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to,” Kyo said.

“But what about since then?” Toshiya said. “He’s been even worse. What about how he completely ignored you when we ran into him that one time?”

“He… didn’t exactly say anything about that. But I think he was still trying to win her back.”

“Still trying to win her back? But what, he’s done with that now?” Toshiya said, suspicion clear in his voice.

“I guess so?” Kyo said uncertainly.

“How are we supposed to know that he’s not going to decide he wants to win her back again, that he’s actually committed to you?”

“Are you trying to make me feel _more_ insecure about the whole thing?” Kyo asked. “‘Cause this is a lot of the same kind of spiraling thoughts I’ve already been having all morning.”

“I’m sorry,” Toshiya said quickly. “I just want to be clear about his intentions before we trust him too much. He’s proved himself kind of unreliable and I want to know what we’re getting into, here. It’s not worth you getting hurt by him, if he’s just jerking you around again.”

“I know,” Kyo said, torn between feeling sort of moved by Toshiya’s protectiveness and afraid that Toshiya’s suspicions were all too well-placed.

After a pause Toshiya asked, “Are you going to tell Kaoru?”

“Augh! Why would I do that?” Kyo said, entirely disturbed by the suggestion.

“Well, because of the band,” Toshiya said. “It’s bound to come up, and he’s the only one who’s out of the loop.”

Kyo leaned his head back and sighed deeply. “Shit.” He didn’t want to admit that Toshiya was right, but inevitably he would have to have this conversation with Kaoru and he wasn’t especially looking forward to it. How did he get himself into these things?

“What do you think you’ll do?” Toshiya said.

“I’ll… talk to Die. I’ll talk to some people,” Kyo said, shaking his head. Just when it had seemed like maybe everything would be over there was more to be dealt with. “I’m really going to go shower now though.”

“All right,” Toshiya said. “I’ll see you at rehearsal.”

“See you there,” Kyo said and ended the call. He was tempted to fall back and lie on the floor a while longer, but knew he needed to build up some momentum if he was going to make it through this day, so with a tremendous amount of effort he pushed himself to stand up and started to gather a change of clothes so he could go take a shower.

 

Die wasn’t there yet when Kyo arrived at the studio for rehearsal, so Kyo took the time to mentally prepare himself for whatever it was that he thought he was going to say to him. And what he was going to say to Kaoru. As he sat down with his stack of printed out lyrics, Kyo watched Kaoru milling around the rehearsal space adjusting things and typing on his phone, and thought how wrong it felt to burden him with any of his personal stuff. If only it wasn’t _Die_ he could get away with never telling Kaoru anything, but his heart was just one of many things Kyo had unfortunately little control over.

A panicky dread was starting to settle over him when Die finally showed up, and Kyo’s stomach did one of its kind of back-flip as Die’s face broke into the brightest smile imaginable as soon as he spotted him. This might be harder to do than he even anticipated.

Die set down his stuff, greeted Kaoru, and came straight over to where Kyo was putting lyrics in order in a folder. 

“Hi!” Die said, still smiling broadly.

Kyo glanced briefly over at Kaoru across the room and then up at Die. “Hey.”

Die bounced on the balls of his feet a little bit, and Kyo took a deep breath before setting his lyrics aside. “How’s your day going?” Die asked.

This was exactly the kind of smalltalk Kyo could never handle, and he stood up from his chair. “Can I talk to you outside for a minute?” He nodded towards the door, and saw the worry showing on Die’s face only for a second or so, quickly covered by another easy smile.

They walked out and down the hall, finally stepping outside to talk in the same place Kyo had opened up to Toshiya months ago. Kyo struggled more this time to start speaking than he had then. Die was watching him with nervousness that was too all-permeating to hide, and Kyo finally settled leaning back against the wall, the heels of his hands pressed over his eyes.

“I think this is a bad idea,” Kyo said.

There was a pause before he heard Die say, “…What’s a bad idea?”

“Us. Anything,” Kyo said, pressing harder against his eyelids and then easing up, watching shapes and colors in kaleidoscopic patterns blossom in the darkness.

“Oh.”

There was another silence and then Die spoke again, “Why?”

“Because, Die, I can’t _trust_ you,” Kyo said, finally dropping his hands. He blinked as he turned to face Die. “You lied to me, and you hurt me, and then you lied about it some more. I don’t have any way of knowing that you won’t drop me for Heather if you had the slightest chance—”

“I wouldn’t! Never!” Die said earnestly, his eyes wide. 

“How am I supposed to believe that?” Kyo asked helplessly. “When I saw you that time I was getting coffee with Toshiya you flat-out pretended I didn’t _exist_ , and that was what, in hopes of winning her back?”

“I-I know, that was awful, I’m sorry, but it was just… Hard to be around you. Any time I got close to you after I thought I was getting over you, everything just came rushing back,” Die said remorsefully. “I did want to win her back, and I thought cold turkey was the only way I could get you out of my system, but… I was wrong. I was so wrong, Kyo.”

“I don’t know what to make of that.”

“You mean so much more to me than she ever could,” Die said, though he looked slightly guilty after saying it. “It’s not her fault, but we just… never had that much in common. With you, I always feel… like it’s just natural, like I could talk to you forever, about anything. It scared me, how confused I would get around you, made me want to push you away more, and I’m not… I’m not trying to make _excuses_ again. I know it doesn’t make it okay. I never want to hurt you like that again, but I want to be close to you. I’m still scared, but I know you’re worth it, and if you… If you love me too…”

“That’s not the issue, and you know it,” Kyo said. “There’s so much else to consider, here. Like the fact that it hasn’t been that long since you were with her, and you’re probably just feeling all emotionally… weird. I’m not going to take advantage of that.”

“Kyo, I’m speaking for myself, I’m making the choice to say I want to be with you,” Die said, a crease between his eyebrows. “How can you call that you taking advantage?”

“Well, I don’t want to be with you,” Kyo said bluntly and a bit more harshly than he’d intended.

Die looked like someone had knocked all the wind out of him. “You—oh.”

“I’m sorry,” Kyo said. Already the inside of his brain was screaming at him, _what are you doing what are you doing???_ “I just think it’s better for us to stay friends.”

“Friends,” Die repeated, his voice sounding somehow detached from his body.

Kyo nodded, even though he knew perfectly well everything he was saying was a lie; of _course_ he wanted to be with Die, and some part of him knew they could be happy together, but there was another, louder part telling him he should be more suspicious, doubt more, not let things be so easy. When were easy things ever real? He couldn’t let this not be real, so he had to stop it altogether.

“But… Kyo, I’m… I’m in love with you,” Die said, his voice somewhat broken in a way that made Kyo want to just run away as fast as he could. 

“When did that even happen?” Kyo asked. It came out sounding cold and skeptical, but he said it more because he was honestly curious than to be cruel.

Die paused thoughtfully. “I guess I realized it… the night we went to the Kiki Morrison live. Not that I wanted to admit anything to myself then, but being there with you… You were so _happy_. You kept smiling all through the show, that _real_ smile and I realized I wanted to be the one making you smile like that. And then…” Die looked down at the ground, went quiet for a moment. “You _listened_ to me, even when I told you things I don’t tell _anyone_ , and I wasn’t afraid of how you would look at me afterwards. You opened up to me too, let me see your heart right in front of me instead of through the filter of your art, and it felt like such a privilege.”

Kyo shifted against the wall, turning so he was just leaning one shoulder against it. He kept his eyes on the ground too, trying to keep Die from feeling too much like Kyo was just watching him. It was strange to hear about that night from the other side. It had felt like such a turning point to Kyo, some kind of catalyst for everything that followed. Now he knew why: it had been the night they’d each separately recognized their feelings for each other.

Die continued, “But even after we talked about such dark things, it was okay. You didn’t shut back down after letting me see some of you, and there was so much trust between us. I had the passing thought that it was the best date I’d ever been on, and then I remembered that wasn’t what it was, and I panicked. I had to make it clear that I wasn’t hitting on you, that I was with someone else. I was sure I must have been behaving so _obviously_ like I was into you, and I tried to backpedal so hard.” Die let out a short, sad laugh. “Instead of making you smile and keeping your trust, I lied to you and took your smile away. Everything I didn’t want to do.”

Unsure of what to say, Kyo just kept frowning at the ground. All this time they had been loving each other and not done a thing about it besides make each other suffer. Maybe that was all they could ever do for each other. Sure, even now, all Kyo really wanted was to pull Die towards him, kiss him like he could communicate something deeper than he could with words, but he couldn’t let himself be sucked into it all like that. Die made him feel weak and confused and like everything else could just disappear, and it was too easy for Kyo to lose his grasp on himself. They could still be happy in their _friendship_ without Kyo giving up his control over what he _could_ control.

“I know that I don’t deserve a second chance, I told you that already,” Die said, and Kyo looked up just enough to see him taking a step towards him. “But if I can just—”

Kyo shook his head, cutting Die off. “I can’t, Die. I’m sorry.” He looked at his phone and saw he'd gotten text from Toshiya asking where he was. “We’d better get to rehearsal before Kaoru throws a fit.” He was too scared to look at Die’s face again before turning to go back into the building, knowing that the pain he’d see there perfectly matched the pain Kyo was trying to hide away inside his own heart.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things carry on. Die and Kyo's trust is rebuilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There may be some clichés and cheesiness ahead, so beware of that I guess. Please enjoy!!

It was honestly really nice to have Die as a friend again. Sure, the first few days were awkward, with Die always looking at Kyo so _sadly_ , his dark, pretty eyes all pleading and filled with remorse, but things got gradually better. Weeks turned into months and Die started talking to Kyo more again, in the way they used to, slowly rebuilding the trust and camaraderie that had been broken down by everything that had happened on tour.

Kyo was busy with recording for sukekiyo and saw his Dir en grey bandmates a little less often, but Die started texting him again. It was casual, usually with links to something funny he saw online, or continuations of conversations they’d had in person the day before, and Kyo found it so easy to deal with that it seemed odd to think there had ever been a time when they weren’t talking like this. 

The good point about not actually _dating_ Die was that Kyo didn’t feel obligated to talk to Kaoru about it, and instead managed to just keep avoiding that particular little nightmare of a confrontation. There was still tension during their time together at the studio, and sometimes Kyo worried that Kaoru would notice it, but if he did he kept it to himself. Toshiya and Shinya were much less the type to keep their noses out of things, and offered Kyo their full support—at least to his face. Occasionally he caught them muttering something or other to each other that he was reasonably sure was about him and Die but he never found out exactly what they were saying. 

All in all, the arrangement was working out well. Naturally it was still a struggle, especially after Kyo already _knew_ what kissing Die was _like,_ for him to not want that again, and to not want _more_ , but he still felt confident he was making the right choice not dating Die right now. Maybe they could get there someday, when he didn’t feel so distrustful, and when he wasn’t worried about Die jumping into something before he was ready.

 

“You know what I’ve realized?” Kyo asked as he stepped into the elevator behind Die one night after rehearsal.

Die glanced over before hitting the button to take them down to the ground level. “What’s that?”

“We don’t have nearly enough songs that sound like space.”

“…Outer space?” Die clarified.

“Yeah!” Kyo said, enthusiastically. “Actually I don’t know if we have _any_.”

“You think Dir en grey needs more songs that sound like outer space.”

“Don’t you?” Kyo said. “There’s so much to draw from there; galaxies, asteroid belts, black holes—shit, _aliens_!!”

Die was laughing by now. “I can’t even tell if you’re being serious.”

“I am!” Kyo said. “Why are you laughing?? Do you _not_ think we should have some songs that sound more like aliens?”

“I’m not totally sure what aliens sound like,” Die admitted.

“Gives us lots of wiggle room then, doesn’t it?” Kyo said.

Die just looked at Kyo for a long moment, still smiling, but there was something else behind his eyes that Kyo couldn’t quite sort out. The elevator dinged at their floor and Die looked away, shaking his head. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at all.”

“All I’m doing is pointing out a distinct _lack_ in an area that we could stand to work on,” Kyo said, walking backwards out of the elevator so he could still face Die.

“I’ll keep it in mind next time I bring some music in for the band,” Die said. 

Kyo nodded approvingly. “I think some of your DECAYS music has at least more of a space vibe than anything we have.”

“And are you going to have some celestial lyrics to contribute to this project as well?”

Kyo shrugged and held the door open for Die to follow him out of the building. “Only if the music inspires it. Let that be your motivation.”

Die laughed again as he went through the door. Once they were both outside they stood there for a briefly awkward moment with Die looking around, back over his shoulder towards the building. He cleared his throat and said, “So, getting a ride from Toshiya tonight?”

“Nope,” Kyo said and smiled. “He’s got a date.”

“Ohh, with that same girl? Things are going well then, I guess?” Die said.

“I think so! I hope so,” Kyo said. “He seems so happy when he talks about her.”

“Yeah, that’s really good,” Die said. He tucked his hands into his jeans pockets and rocked on his heels. “So… Did you… I mean, I could give you a lift home, if you want…?”

Kyo opened his mouth to accept but his answer changed shape before it actually made its way out and the next thing he knew he was saying, “No, that’s all right. I can take the train.”

It was hard to miss the tiny flicker of hurt in Die’s eyes before he said, “Are you sure? I don’t mind at all.”

“I know, I appreciate the offer,” Kyo said. “It’s not that late though; I’m good with getting home on my own.”

Die nodded stiffly. He lingered a little bit longer and then said, “I guess I shouldn’t keep you then. Don’t want you to get stranded.” He took his hands out of his pockets and took a step towards Kyo, then stopped, looking at him uncertainly. It was painfully obvious that he wanted to _hug_ Kyo, but wasn’t sure if he was allowed.

Thus far Kyo had managed to avoid any hugs from Die, which was kind of crushing him with despair in its own way. There had been a time when there was nowhere he felt safer or more warm and at peace than in Die’s arms for just those few moments each night; now, all he could think was that those arms were a trap, and he’d denied them both any kind of physical comfort in each other since deciding they couldn’t be together. If he allowed himself to be enveloped again in that wiry strength, how could he ever let Die let go?

In what was either a moment of weakness or a show of strength, Kyo shifted his bag on his shoulder and spread his arms, inviting Die in for an embrace. Die’s face lit up with a quiet disbelief, and then he was moving in, holding Kyo so tight Kyo thought his spine was being rearranged. There was a suffocating feeling, and he couldn’t be sure whether it was from how he was being squeezed or just from the dizzying nearness of Die. He let his head rest against Die’s chest, and couldn’t distinguish if the loud, rhythmic thudding he heard was Die’s heart or his own. His palms pressed flat against Die’s back, and he was sure at least that the slight shaking was coming from Die and not from him this time.

“Kyo… How…” Die’s voice trailed off and he nuzzled into Kyo’s hair. Then suddenly he seemed to remember himself and he pulled away, taking a step back to distance himself from Kyo so abruptly that Kyo almost stumbled. Die looked oddly guilty and ashamed when Kyo looked up at him again.

“What?” Kyo wasted no time at all in worrying that he had overstepped somehow, done something to make Die uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry,” Die said hurriedly. He gestured vaguely in the direction of his car. “I’m gonna… Yeah. Goodnight.”

“I’ll see you on Monday,” Kyo said, still feeling like he’d done something terribly wrong.

Die made a half-hearted attempt at a smile as he waved and walked off, his hands in his pockets again. Kyo watched him go, frowning, before he turned to head for the bus stop.

He felt bad. The truth was it wasn’t infrequent for him to feel bad these days, much as he tried to tell himself that the friendship he had with Die was completely satisfactory and much more fulfilling than a romantic relationship would have been. Die never complained, never pushed, never did anything to incur Kyo’s guilt, but still Kyo had the horrible feeling all the time like he was _punishing_ Die unfairly. Maybe it was wrong of Kyo talk about how happy Toshiya was with his new girlfriend when Kyo was the reason Die was single, in more ways than one. Maybe it was wrong for him to invite Die in for a hug when he wouldn’t offer Die what he really wanted.

The bus didn’t take long to show up and Kyo boarded it with a polite but soft greeting to the driver before moving to the back and sitting looking out the window. 

No matter how busy he kept, Kyo still had too much time to think. He still found himself replaying scenes in his mind over and over, wondering if he made the right move or if he should have done things differently ages ago. Recently the two episodes on repeat were fairly obvious choices: one was that night when he and Die had confided in one another in Die’s car. As far as Kyo knew, that part of the evening was still a secret between just the two of them, something so intimate that he hadn’t even mentioned it to Toshiya. It knocked around in his head constantly, that Die was able to know these things about him that Kyo could hardly bring himself to speak aloud, and Die could still love him as he was. Die wanted to be with Kyo in spite of it all—or rather, he wanted Kyo _because_ of _who_ he was, and that included history and baggage and all kinds of fucked-up shit. Kyo remembered how that night he had realized how badly he wanted to protect Die, remove any pain or sadness from his life. Now every time he saw him, he was reminded that the pain glimpsed in Die’s eyes was _because_ of Kyo.

The other memory getting a lot of play was the night in Kyo’s apartment, how eager Die had been to kiss Kyo, the sheer _joy_ with which he’d looked at him afterwards. With all of Kyo’s overthinking and anxious circling thoughts, wasn’t the proof right there, that he and Die _could_ make each other happy? Even if it was just for a moment here and there, maybe that was worth it.

Die had made it clear he wasn’t trying to get Heather back. She was absolutely something of the past, and things had returned to their natural state, of her never coming up. Die had given Kyo space and yet been just within arm’s reach, available and soothing. Kyo could find no fault in the way Die had been acting, and he only grew angrier with _himself_. He knew he still couldn’t promise Die anything, and he was too afraid of his own insecurities and self-destructive thought processes to think he wouldn’t destroy something good if he ever got his hands on it. So every day Kyo told himself that the friendship between him and Die was everything he wanted, and every night he knew the real reason he wouldn’t let them have more was his own fear and selfishness.

 

* * *

 

 

Kyo came into the studio one day to find the rest of the band already present and talking amongst themselves, occupied enough that they didn’t seem to notice his arrival. 

“It’s a matter of opinion though, isn’t it?” Shinya was saying.

Kaoru agreed. “And I think a case could be made for ‘Phenomenon,’ at the very least.”

“Ehhh,” Toshiya made a face. “We can all agree that Kyo’s in his own world on that one, but I don’t think it’s a world somewhere up in space.”

Die ducked his head at that, as the others laughed, and Kyo thought he saw the faintest of blushes dusting Die’s cheeks.

Kyo was laughing himself, having realized just what conversation he had walked in on, and the sound caught Kaoru’s attention. They shared some embarrassed eye contact, and then, clearing his throat, Kaoru rounded the others up to get started on some actual work.

Kyo was still smiling as he balanced his lyrics on his music stand and prepared himself for the first song they were troubleshooting, somewhat distracted thinking about the scene he’d interrupted. It was obvious that Die must have been sharing Kyo’s space vision with the group. There was something oddly touching about that, and it put Kyo in a reasonably bright mood for the rehearsal. He made an effort to be a little bit warmer with Die that day—not so far as to lead him on, but at least to show he recognized that Die was putting in some work of his own. 

A problem arose at last when the band was finalizing the arrangement of the song for which Kyo had written the lyrics (perhaps passive-aggressively) about Die. Kyo didn’t actually think anything of it as they ran through the song, working out kinks, recording almost more of a sample than a full demo, just to hear how it all sounded together. He sang out as passionately as he ever did, putting in the emotion necessary to give them an idea of how it would really sound.

It was only when they finished a take and Shinya’s voice came softly from behind him—“Die, are you okay?”—that Kyo realized his lyrics were still capable of causing Die a great deal of pain.

Kyo turned to see Die’s response, saw him nod hurriedly.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just give me a second,” Die said, swallowing, and Jesus, was he _crying_?

Kyo felt himself sinking into that old pit of guilt and despair. In writing those lyrics, he had only meant to express himself honestly, and sure, he had been _angry_ at Die, but he hadn’t wanted to hurt him. He never wanted to hurt Die. 

Awkwardness descended over the group and they took a short coffee and bathroom break while Die collected himself. Kyo hovered uneasily in the middle of the room, fidgeting with a bracelet on his wrist, not totally feeling like he should go and make things worse by talking to Die, but also wanting to check in and see if he was okay. Seeing him hurt like that, even if he _hadn’t_ known it was his own selfish lyrics that had caused that pain in the first place, Kyo thought he could almost feel Die’s pain reflected back into his own heart. He had a near violent reaction to it when he recognized it within himself, the urge to claw it out of his chest shockingly present—but that wasn’t how he felt when it came to helping Die with his pain. 

When he considered how he wanted to deal with Die’s pain, Kyo found it was all softness and caring, and if Die could feel safe in Kyo’s arms the way Kyo had felt in Die’s, shouldn’t he be offering them up right now and letting Die know he was protected? 

Die finally seemed ready to play again and the band reassembled, though they moved on to another song that wasn’t quite so personally upsetting. Kyo was distracted again, thinking now about what exactly it was that he wanted to protect Die from. He knew perfectly well what was hurting Die right now, and how was he supposed to protect Die from _him_ , himself? Certainly not by scooping Die up and getting in his face. Wasn’t it best to stay _away_ from him? Wouldn’t that be safest?

Kyo was struck by the thought that Die might have told himself something very similar when he was working so hard to keep his distance from Kyo during the tour. He didn’t really know what to do with that, and was relieved when they started on the next song, used the music to push some of his swirling thoughts out to the edges.

 

The rest of the rehearsal passed without any real incident and by the end of it, some of the positive energy they’d started with had come drifting back, but Kyo still felt an unbearable discomfort at the very thought of getting close enough to Die to talk to him about the impact his lyrics had had. Instead he waved vaguely as Die looked back over his shoulder at him on the way to the door. Toshiya was right behind Die and turned to look at Kyo properly.

“Did you want a ride tonight?” Toshiya called.

“Oh, yeah, thanks, if you don’t mind,” Kyo said. “Go on ahead, I’ll be right there.”

Toshiya nodded. “I’ll meet you downstairs.” He went after Die, and Kyo was just finishing getting his bag over his shoulder, ready to head after them when Kaoru stopped him.

“Kyo, could I have a word with you?” Kaoru asked, in that voice Kyo recognized all too well, deceptively mellow when it really meant Kaoru was about to scold him for something.

Shinya cast a glance over at the pair of them, raising his eyebrows in a disapproving manner and walked out into the hall.

Kyo waited for Kaoru to start talking, anxious already as he ran mentally over the possibilities for why he might be in trouble this time.

Kaoru crossed his arms over his chest, his face serious. “Kyo,” he said.

This kind of pause did nothing for Kyo’s nerves.

“ _What_ is going on with you and Die?” Kaoru asked.

Kyo’s heart did a tumble over itself at the question. Somehow he hadn’t expected it at all. When had Kaoru gotten clued in to the drama?? “We’re, um, not… doing anything,” he stammered.

“Obviously,” Kaoru said, looking slightly annoyed. “And I’m asking why the hell not?”

“I… what?” Kyo said blankly.

Kaoru gave an impatient little sigh and said, “You love him.”

“…Yes,” Kyo said.

“And he loves you.”

Kyo nodded, any sound he might have wanted to make stuck in his throat.

“So what are you doing torturing yourselves?” Kaoru demanded.

“It’s complicated,” Kyo said weakly.

“How fucking complicated can it be?” Kaoru said. “You love each other, you might as well give it a shot! Maybe it’s not meant to be—so what? If it doesn’t work out, at least you gave it a fighting chance. I don’t think the band’s gonna be torn apart over some lovers’ quarrel if that’s what you’re worried about.” He raised a skeptical eyebrow.

“It’s so uncertain,” Kyo said, his voice barely creaking its way out of him.

“Everything is,” Kaoru said. “Look, I’ve known you both a good long while. I know that you make each other happy in a way no one else does. There’s a balance there. And maybe it won’t always be easy or perfect, but when is anything?” He put a hand on Kyo’s shoulder. It was firm, not awkward in the least. “If Die wants you and you want Die, go _get_ him. Don’t let him slip by just because you’re scared of uncertainties. Life _is_ uncertainty.”

Kyo’s heart felt like it was being squeezed in a handheld lemon juicer. He grabbed Kaoru’s forearm, looking up at his face with a kind of desperate confusion.

“Get out of here!!” Kaoru said, pushing Kyo towards the exit.

And then Kyo was walking, though he felt somewhat disconnected from his body as his feet carried him down the hall to the elevator. He watched his hand as it moved to push the button for the ground floor of the building, and stared at his reflection in the metal doors, wondering whose face it was. Sometimes it seemed truly impossible that the face the rest of the world saw on him was his own.

The image distorted as the doors opened on his floor and he walked numbly out of the elevator and out of the building, looking around for Toshiya, hoping that he’d managed to keep Die around long enough that Kyo could… could… do… something…??? What was he going to _do_?

He started down the street towards the parking lot where Toshiya usually left his car, craning his neck and hoping to see the familiar, tall figures of his bandmates standing around under the streetlights, but he didn’t spot either of them. He walked on, thinking Toshiya might be in a parking lot farther down but he came to a stop when someone behind him called his name.

It wasn’t Toshiya’s voice, and he turned towards it, but the next thing he knew he was being _kissed_ , embraced in that way that he could only get from Die, and warmth burned through him so quickly, it seemed like he might melt through the very sidewalk he stood on. He was too stunned to react, and then Die was pulling back and looking down at him with something like fear in his eyes.

Die shook his head. “I’m so—” He stopped suddenly and frowned, shaking his head more firmly. “No, you know what? I’m _not_ sorry. I want to kiss you every damn time I see you, and it’s not something I can regret. Listen, Kyo,” he said, and paused to wet his lips. “I know you said you don’t want to be with me, and I want so much to respect that, but just… _why_? I might screw up but we still love each other, even if we’re _not_ together, so what’s the point of not making that step?” He smoothed his hands over Kyo’s shoulders. “Um, acting under the assumption that… you still love me.”

Kyo hadn’t said anything, hadn’t moved. He wasn’t totally sure he’d been breathing. He tried to get his voice to work, to tell Die, _I do, of course I love you_ , but it seemed out of his control and he could almost laugh at the poor timing for his voice to fail him. He nodded, hoping Die would take the same meaning from the action.

Die seemed to have focused his eyes on a button on Kyo’s jacket. “It’s so rare to find someone you really connect with, and you… It’s so _easy_ to imagine my life with you. When I think of my future, I can’t see it _without_ you.” He lowered his gaze to the ground. “I know I can’t promise what I’ll be like years from now, that nothing is known, but I like the person I am when I’m with you, and that’s…” A small breathy laugh fell from him as he shook his head again. He raised his eyes to look at back at Kyo. “Toshiya bailed. Let me drive you home.”

Finally Kyo managed to engage some part of his brain and he said, “Toshiya bailed?”

“More specifically, he left, and told me I’d ‘better fucking get my act together’ and take the opportunity to sort things out with you,” Die said, sounding somewhat embarrassed. “He said it’s a waste for us to not be together when there’s so much feeling between us… But yeah, that was his words, not mine.”

Kyo wanted to feel shocked by Toshiya’s betrayal but all he could really feel was grateful. “Then I guess you’d better drive me home,” he said with just the smallest of smiles.

Die looked totally relieved and gave Kyo’s shoulders a squeeze before stepping back and leading the way to his car.

This time the drive to Kyo’s place felt like it took no time at all. Die had the music playing louder than was strictly necessary and was singing along with a kind of inconsistent enthusiasm that had Kyo hiding his smile against his shoulder as he pretended to look out the window. They hadn’t actually settled anything and yet everything seemed rebuilt. Kyo knew how fragile it was, that it could collapse around them at any time, but he felt prepared to face that reality with Die smiling next to him.

It wasn’t long at all until Die pulled into a space in the lot by Kyo’s building. He turned off the car and said somewhat awkwardly, “Well, we’re here.”

Kyo nodded and then snorted. Die looked over in surprise and Kyo just started laughing out loud, leaning forward in his seat.

“What?” Die’s eyes were wide with confusion, but Kyo could tell he was on the verge of laughing too.

“I can’t believe you just kissed me like that in the middle of the sidewalk!” Kyo said as he unbuckled his seatbelt and turned in his seat to face Die a bit more. “Pretty ballsy move there, anyone could have seen us!”

Die laughed and unbuckled his seatbelt as well. “I guess I wasn’t really thinking about that.”

“If we’re gonna make this work, we might have to be more careful,” Kyo said, looking back out the window.

“If we’re gonna—Kyo, are you—Oy!” Die got a hold of Kyo’s arm, gently but enough to get his attention back on him. “You think we can make this work?”

Kyo studied Die’s face for a minute, so earnest, hope ill-hidden, and bit his lip thoughtfully. “Did you talk to Kaoru?” he asked.

“What, about this? Like,  _us_?” Die said. “No, god, did you??”

“No, he brought it up to me,” Kyo said.

Die looked vaguely horrified. “What did he _say_?”

“He couldn’t understand why we were making ourselves so miserable by not being together,” Kyo said. “But I hadn’t realized he even knew anything about it.”

“I may not have been all that discreet,” Die admitted.

“And he may not be as oblivious as I give him credit for,” Kyo said. “Anyway, he was right.” Kyo wasn’t stupid. He knew that Kaoru was right, that Die was right. He didn’t want to be the kind of person who avoided doing something he wanted to do just because he was afraid. “I won’t pretend I’m not still kind of scared, but I want us to try, and I’m not going to back out this time just because I don’t know what’s going to happen.” He took a deep breath and let it out, and reached for Die’s hand. 

Die laughed and his head tipped forward so his hair fell in his face. “I’m scared too, but I’m excited to see what _does_ happen,” he said. He laced Kyo’s fingers with his and leaned across the center console to kiss Kyo, slowly, like they had time for all the kisses in the world.

Kyo let himself melt into it, his liquifying body leaning in closer to Die as he kissed him back with a kind of need that he’d been quietly denying since the beginning of all this. Die’s tongue was suddenly slipping past Kyo’s lips into his mouth and Kyo tensed and relaxed in a matter of a few seconds. Die was so warm and the taste of him was intoxicating and it just wasn’t enough. Before Kyo could really realize what was happening, he was clambering over the center console and onto Die’s lap, getting his hands on Die’s shoulders as he nipped at Die’s lower lip.

Die let out a small sound as Kyo settled over him but he didn’t seem to be protesting at all. His hands drifted lightly over Kyo’s back and came to rest at his waist. He got his tongue back into Kyo’s mouth and received a soft moan from Kyo for his efforts. He pulled back with a little smirk on his face. “You know, anyone might see us here too,” he pointed out.

Kyo tried to steady his breathing. He thought maybe he should have been more embarrassed at how quickly he’d lost any real control over himself, but even now he couldn’t take his eyes off Die’s perfect lips, the shine of them in the low light from the parking lot’s streetlight. He got himself to nod and said, “Did you want to come up?” His voice sounded foreign to his own ears, huskier than he’d meant it to, and he felt himself blushing a bit.

Die grinned. “Thought you’d never ask.”

Kyo managed to shift off of Die so they could get out of the car and Kyo could grab his bag and then they were walking in silence to the elevator, keeping a careful distance between them. They stayed quiet the whole ride up to Kyo’s floor and Kyo wondered how much pretense there would be once they got into his apartment as far as him playing host when all he wanted to be doing was kissing Die again. 

They left the elevator and made it to Kyo’s door with Die still hovering several feet away as Kyo went about getting it unlocked. He had finally managed to get Die to come to his place properly, not for an argument but for, well, company. It felt strange and utterly insignificant at the same time.

Die finally spoke again when they were in the living room, having abandoned shoes, jackets, and bags in the genkan. “I like your apartment,” he said.

Kyo looked around and shrugged. “Thanks.” He went over and sat on the couch, waited for Die to join him.

“I didn’t get to tell you last time I was here,” Die explained. “Everything was weird. But I like it. It reminds me of you, but the you that people don’t always get to see.” He smiled and came over to the couch, but he stood leaning over Kyo instead of sitting down. “I need to be kissing you now, if that’s all right.”

Kyo grabbed the front of Die’s shirt with both hands and yanked him down, crashing their mouths together. The pretense ended there; now it was all heat and desperation and Die’s hands deftly unbuttoning Kyo’s shirt. Kyo’s mind was all fogged up with Die’s lips and hands andhow right everything felt. The thought occurred to him that he had never even imagined this with Die. He’d never let any of his desires for Die get this far in his mind and he didn’t really know what he was doing now. 

Lucky for him, Die seemed perfectly comfortable taking the lead in this area. He got Kyo’s shirt off and started kissing down Kyo’s neck like he was following lines on a map. 

Kyo let his eyes fall closed and shuddered out a breath as Die licked all the way back up his neck, over the tattoo there, and up to his ear. Kyo moved his hands from Die’s shirt back to his shoulders and dug his nails in as Die’s tongue traced along the shell of his ear. He was distracted enough that Die’s pinch to his nipple came as a complete surprise and he cried out, jerking beneath Die slightly. 

Die shushed him and ran his fingers more soothingly over the hardened nub while he went back to biting and sucking at Kyo’s neck. He settled his weight more fully on Kyo’s lap and Kyo was suddenly aware that he could feel the beginning of Die’s arousal pressed against him. 

Kyo’s mouth dropped open and he was almost surprised when a low moan escaped him. Die was so _hot_ against him, his mouth on his neck like an open flame, his body just radiating unfathomable heat, and he needed it closer. “Die,” he breathed out, reaching around to pull Die towards him more. He moved his hands lower, to Die’s ass, and squeezed what little there was as he tried to get closer to him.

Die gave a soft grunt against Kyo’s collarbone and ground himself down against Kyo, his hands back on Kyo’s waist holding him steady.

“Ohh…” Kyo’s moan was louder this time as he felt his own cock hardening, pressed right up against Die’s. Something was perfect about it, but he wanted to _see_ Die, and there was just far too much clothing in the way. Opening his eyes, Kyo got his hands between them and started working Die’s belt open, only to have Die finally pull off of his neck and lean back so he could look at him. Kyo froze up immediately, afraid that he had misread the situation. “What?” 

Die scooted back off Kyo’s lap and stood in front of him, looking unsure. “I want you,” he said.

“I want you too,” Kyo said. “Why did you stop…?”

Die paused, his hands fidgeting with the ends of his unbuckled belt. “I haven’t actually been with a guy before.”

Kyo almost laughed but managed not to. “I haven’t either,” he said. “Do you want to stop?”

“I really don’t,” Die said.

“That’s a relief,” Kyo said, reaching for him again, but Die stepped back away from him. Kyo frowned up at him. “What do you need?”

“I… want to do it right,” Die said. “I don’t have, you know, lube or anything…” He looked down at the floor.

“Ah, right,” Kyo said. He felt kind of bad that Die was clearly so embarrassed about this, and was determined to get it out of the way easily. “Wait here a minute. Sit on the couch,” he said, pushing himself up to stand. He went to his bedroom and pulled the drawer of his nightstand open, getting out a couple of condoms and a bottle of lube. He looked down at it in his hand, considering how the next part would probably go. He didn’t know obviously what Die’s personal experience was as far as whether he’d be more comfortable with topping or bottoming. Kyo found, thinking about it, he would be fine either way. He might not have slept with anyone with a dick before, but he had enjoyed the feel of a toy in his ass many a time, and didn’t think he’d mind Die—no, in fact, the very thought of it had his cock giving an enthusiastic throb, and he decided unless Die had other ideas, he’d prefer it that way.

Upon returning to the living room, Kyo found Die had taken off his shirt, but was sitting dejectedly on the couch, looking nervous. He offered Kyo a smile when he approached, but it obviously wasn’t a totally honest one.

“We don’t have to do this, you know,” Kyo said. “There will be other opportunities if we still want it later.”

“I _want_ it now,” Die said, a note of frustration in his voice. “I just don’t really know what I’m doing, and I don’t want you to feel like…” he trailed off and gestured uselessly with his hands.

Kyo nodded, and tossed the condoms and lube on the couch next to Die. “Okay. How about you just relax, and if you need us to stop we will.”

Die hesitated then nodded, holding out his hand for Kyo to return to the couch.

Instead Kyo stayed standing in front of him, his eyes locked on Die’s. Slowly he started to unfasten his own belt, enjoying the way Die’s breath caught as he watched him. He unbuttoned his jeans next, then dipped his hand into his boxer briefs and grasped his cock firmly, his head falling back as he did. He gave himself a few slow strokes, sighing in relief at the feeling. He lifted his head so he could see Die properly again and smiled at the entranced expression on Die’s face. Die’s eyes were glued to Kyo’s hand moving in his pants, pupils blown, his lips slightly parted. “Die,” Kyo said, and Die’s eyes snapped back up to Kyo’s face. “Do you want to fuck me?”

“Oh, god,” Die said, looking almost pained.

Kyo hooked his thumbs in his boxer briefs and shoved the rest of his clothing down his legs and off all at once, leaving him bare before Die. He took a step forward and Die reached down to palm his own very obviously erect cock through his jeans. Kyo grabbed the lube up off the couch and nudged Die’s leg with his foot. “You might wanna get those jeans off.”

Die hurried to get his jeans unfastened and lifted his butt off the couch enough to get everything off. As soon as he settled again, Kyo was straddling his thighs and Die was simply staring between them at their cocks, hard and close enough they were almost touching—but not quite. 

The snap of the lube opening finally pulled Die’s attention and, as Kyo brought his own well-coated fingers around behind himself, Die seemed to realize what was happening and he let out a whine.

“You’re—oh, _god_ ,” Die said, looking from Kyo’s face to his dick, to where his hand had vanished behind him. 

Kyo gasped when he pushed the first finger into himself. His eyes closed as he started moving it, adjusting easily to the stretch.

Kyo heard Die swallow before he asked breathlessly, “How does it feel?”

“Nn, _good_ ,” Kyo said, and added another finger. “Feels so good.” His free hand went to Die’s shoulder for balance as he started riding his fingers a little harder.

“Jesus…” Die whispered. He held onto Kyo’s thighs on either side of his own. “Can’t believe you’re finger-fucking yourself… right on top of me. Fuck.”

Kyo let out an airy kind of chuckle, interrupted by a moan as he got a third finger in and stretched them all inside himself. “Never had someone… watch me do this,” he said.

“But this is something you do?” Die said, his voice lower perhaps than Kyo had ever heard it.

Kyo bit his lip and nodded, heard Die groan in response, and then the tearing of the foil condom package. He looked down to see Die slicking his own cock with lube, still watching Kyo with wide, hungry eyes. Kyo freed his fingers and wiped them on his shirt lying on the couch beside them. He waited for Die to meet his eyes before he lifted himself up. When he was sure Die was ready he held onto Die’s cock with one hand and slowly lowered himself down on him. His head dropped forward and he hissed out a quiet, “ _Holy shit_.”

Die moaned lowly as Kyo got himself fully seated on his cock. He held tightly onto Kyo’s hips and seemed like he was scared to move at all.

“Are you okay?” Kyo asked softly, one hand moving lightly over Die’s chest.

“Are you—god, I’m… so good. Yes,” Die said. “Are you okay?”

Kyo smiled and pressed a kiss to Die’s lips. “I’m wonderful.”

Die nodded, but stayed tense.

“You’re allowed to move, you know,” Kyo said, circling his hips.

“Fuck, Kyo,” Die said. He thrust up a little, unable to do much more than that at this angle.

“Mm, please do,” Kyo said with a snicker, and he started lifting himself up and dropping back down on Die’s cock at a slow but steady pace. He took one of Die’s hands from his hip andguided it gently to his cock. Honestly, he was already closer to losing it than he’d really like to admit. There was pre-cum stringing from the tip of his cock down onto Die, and the thought that he was getting Die sticky with his mess only served to arouse him further. “Touch me?”

Die’s hand fit perfectly around Kyo’s cock, and the way he stroked him had Kyo panting in no time at all. Die slid forward on the couch, spread his legs further. With the leverage of his feet firmly against the floor, he was able to thrust up into Kyo harder, faster, and any sense of control Kyo had felt was rapidly crumbling.

Kyo was riding Die hard now, bouncing on his dick, but every upward thrust Die made just went _deeper_ , and Kyo couldn’t keep quiet in the slightest as his prostate was hit again and again. He buried his face against Die’s neck, clinging to his shoulders helplessly.

“Jesus, Kyo, I’m—god, I love you, I’m so—” Die let go of Kyo’s cock, went back to holding his hips with both hands, keeping him close as he fucked him more desperately.

“DIE,” Kyo cried. He angled himself so his cock could still get some friction trapped between them, and it didn’t take long then for him to snap, throwing his head back as he came, a wordless shout ripping free of his throat.

“Fuck, _fuck_!!” Die gave a few more jerky thrusts and then stilled, holding Kyo tight as he came as well, with a soft groan.

They sat there panting for the next several minutes before Kyo pushed himself up on shaky legs and flopped over on the couch next to Die.

Die removed the condom, tied it off, and tossed it aside on top of his pile of clothing. He tugged Kyo over so he was resting against his chest and let out a little sigh against Kyo’s hair.

Somehow Kyo didn’t feel lost or confused. He wasn’t struggling with any kind of regret or shame over what had just happened; there was only acceptance and peace and some soft-spoken joy. “I love you, too,” he murmured into Die’s chest.

Die stroked over his arm tenderly with a contented sound and they stayed like that for a while, drifting in and out of sleep until Kyo sat up and slid off the couch, crawling over to where his jeans lay on the floor and digging out his phone to check the time. He had a text from Toshiya but he decided he’d save it to be dealt with in the morning. He put a hand on Die’s knee and shook it gently. 

“Psst, Die, ne, wake up,” Kyo said.

Die frowned in his sleep, reached for where he clearly thought Kyo would be, and frowned deeper. He opened one eye. “Why?”

“So we can get in my bed?” Kyo offered. He leaned forward to kiss Die’s knee and pushed himself to stand up. “Let’s go clean up.” He extended a hand to help Die stand as well.

 

Ten minutes later they were tucked against each other in Kyo’s bed, warm and comfortable with all the proper alarms set. 

Kyo could tell Die was already drifting off again and he curled up closer to him. “Hey, Die?”

“Mm?”

“I’m sorry about my lyrics,” Kyo said. It had still been weighing on him and yes, he’d been distracted, but it really bothered him that something he’d written had hurt Die so much, and he wasn’t sure how he could fix it.

“What?” Die said. 

“I was upset when I wrote that, and hurt, and I don’t want to hurt you with my words,” Kyo said.

“Don’t ever be sorry for expressing yourself,” Die said, his fingers tracing lightly over Kyo’s tattooed back. “I would never want to take that away from you. It’s who you are, it’s part of who I love. Besides, I deserved it.”

“Still,” Kyo said. “I wish I could make it better for you.”

“Hmm, well, you can always make it up to me by writing me another song,” Die said. “A nice one.”

“A nice song?” Kyo said, making a face.

“Yep, one about how much you love me, and how happy we are,” Die said, and Kyo could hear the grin in his voice even if he couldn’t see it in the dark. “Or at least about how good the sex is.”

“I don’t think that would work in either of my bands,” Kyo said, but he couldn’t help but smile himself.

“Then it’ll have to be a song you only sing for me, in private,” Die said, snuggling up against Kyo more. “That makes it more special anyway.”

“Sappy fucker,” Kyo said, laughing.

“Yeah, I’m not gonna deny that,” Die said. “But I’m _your_ sappy fucker.”

“Ah yeah, that can be the song title,” Kyo said.

“I love it already.”

Kyo rolled more onto his side, grinning into his pillow. No, he couldn’t know that it would work for them, that the band wouldn’t somehow come between them, that Die wouldn’t do something to hurt him again, or that he wouldn’t hurt Die… But maybe the world was built on possibilities like this, and as humans, all they could do was try to work through each day, making the effort for their loved ones. He knew Die would be there when he woke up. He knew with an uncannily solid certainty that Die _loved_ him. For now, that could be enough, and where they went from here, they could go together.

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's that. I want to thank you all so, so much for being there through this whole thing, wow. I warned you at the beginning that it would be long and self-indulgent and you've all been endlessly patient and helped me feel less alone while I was writing out some stuff for myself, and I'm just very appreciative. I hope this last chapter works for everyone. I just want the happy endings for people who might have missed them the first time around.  
> On to more nonsense as always. <3


End file.
